Signs of Spiritual Abuse in a Christian Marriage

Spiritual abuse in a Christian marriage can be one of the most confusing and isolating forms of control. It doesn’t always look like yelling or overt anger. Sometimes it hides in scripture, in words like “submission” or “obey,” or in the careful twisting of faith to dominate your heart and mind.

One of the first signs of spiritual abuse is the use of Scripture to control, shame, or manipulate. Phrases like “God wants you to submit” or “you must obey me” can be wielded not as encouragement or teaching, but as a weapon to dominate. When obedience becomes fear-based or conditional, it’s no longer biblical guidance—it’s spiritual control.

Another warning sign is being told that your feelings, decisions, or concerns are sinful or wrong simply because they don’t align with your spouse’s desires. For example, when I told him the first time that I planned to tell the kids about his drinking before I went to Liberia, he accused me of bringing Satan into our family. That accusation wasn’t spiritual wisdom; it was a tool to silence me, to make me question my instincts and my conscience.

Spiritual abusers often enforce secrecy or use fear to maintain control. I was forbidden from telling the kids about his drinking, told that I’d be going against his authority, and warned that if I didn’t obey, he’d involve the church. I was told it would get ugly and that I’d be in sin. In cases like this, spiritual abuse creates a climate of fear, guilt, and shame, leaving the victim feeling isolated and powerless, even within the church community.

Other signs include consistent belittling under the guise of correction, denying your voice or perspective, or making you responsible for the abuser’s spiritual reputation. An abuser may insist they are “leading the family spiritually” while leaving you to bear the emotional, relational, or moral weight of their actions.

Recognizing spiritual abuse doesn’t make you unfaithful, weak, or a “bad Christian.” It means you are discerning God’s truth from human manipulation. Abuse disguised as faith is not love—it is control. Protecting yourself and your children may require setting boundaries, seeking counsel outside the marriage, and leaning into Scripture as a source of truth, not fear.

It’s also important to remember: God’s desire is never to instill fear, shame, or coercion in a marriage. True spiritual leadership uplifts, encourages, and honors both partners. When your spouse’s words or actions consistently produce fear, guilt, or silence instead of peace, joy, and grace, you are likely dealing with spiritual abuse.

Acknowledging spiritual abuse is painful, but it’s the first step toward freedom, healing, and clarity in your faith and your marriage. You don’t have to navigate it alone. Prayer, wise counsel, and God’s Word can help you see the truth, set healthy boundaries, and reclaim your voice in a marriage meant to reflect love, not control.

If you’d like to go deeper, Better Way to Stay in my comprehensive companion guide for women in difficult marriages.