Marriage is an Uncontrollable Thing


Marriage is an Uncontrollable Thing

Here is a thing I wish someone would have said to me when I was 21, and perhaps again when I was 44.

You don’t think you are controlling, but you are. You need to know going in that you will not be able to control or change your spouse or your marriage as much as you are hoping to.

You will be 100% responsible for / in control of yourself, 50% responsible for / in control of your marriage, and 0% responsible for / in control of your spouse.

Now, some of you may not think you are controlling and you really might be easy-breezy, good for you.

With that said, newsflash: everyone is controlling to some degree. Everyone thinks the way they do things is best or the way they think about things is right, otherwise we wouldn’t do and think those things. (A quick test to see if you're controlling: is there even one person in your life that you think should be making different choices? You're controlling-ish. Do you tell people how you think they should be living their lives? And/or do you give advice that you weren't asked for? You're controlling, full stop.)

But back to marriage and control.

First time around, addiction could not have been farther from my mind. If I had a radar, addiction was on the other side of the globe. Not us. I mean, like, addicted to what? Did we have baggage? Oh sure, I knew that ahead of time. But neither one of us were ever about to want something more than we should want it and then get the thing and then use it much too much and secretly by the way. And neither of us were about to start telling the other what they could and couldn’t do and when and where or I’m telling whoever.

But lo and behold, premarital counseling and a book or two did not prepare us.

And I couldn’t make things go the way I wanted them to, no matter how much I tried and prayed and yelled and cried. And I couldn’t make things go the opposite of what I’d grown up with, despite how much I tried and prayed and yelled and cried.

Now, I’m not saying we were destined for addiction and codependency and failure and hurting each other endlessly and divorce and repeating the darn cycle despite our promises to each other that we wouldn’t. I’m not saying it was out of our hands. No, there were things we could’ve done. We just didn’t do those things. We did other things. (We don't know what we don't know and we didn't know.) We did things that hurt the other and ourselves. Repeatedly. Over and over. For almost two decades.

So, sweet one looking ahead, trying to peer into your future marriage with a sense of I think I have a pretty good idea of what’s coming…because I read those books and I talked to those people and I asked God and I chose oh so carefully…I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry to tell you that your spouse is going to shock you. Sometimes with greatness but also sometimes with devastation. And, and I’m maybe even more sorry to tell you this part…you will shock them right back…and yourself.

Prepare all you want. I’m not knocking preparation.

But humans are, well, human. And we change every single day. And the person you said I do to is not the same person you will be married to in six months or six years or a lifetime later. We say I do to all the versions of our future spouse. As do they. (The only things that will never change in this life are Jesus Christ who is the same yesterday and today and forever, and the complete love that God has for you.)

Our chief task in marriage is to love, support, and pray for every version of your spouse as they are, and hope for the same in return, but you do it anyway whether they are doing it or not.

But if you don’t go into this thing called marriage without your hands at least a little less clenched, without all those expectations of it absolutely must go this way or else I’ll die or not on my watch, my spouse will not do such and such to me and our marriage, you will be ravaged. You will not live through it. You will not survive the thing.

The only thing I can promise you with 100% accuracy is that your marriage will not look like you thought it would. Your spouse will not be the spouse you are hoping they will be (for better or for worse) and you will not be the human you assumed you would be. They will say things and do things and you will say things and do things that you cannot fathom right now, both wonderful and catastrophic. And you will hopefully each say thank you often. And you will hopefully each say I'm so sorry more than you can guess now. And love will beget love and forgiveness will beget future mercy.

But you know what…no matter what…it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Even when you’re not. Because God.

There is beauty in the ruins. There is delight in the pleasant surprises. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. Even when you're not. Because God.


STARTING IN FEBRUARY: If you're a woman in a difficult Christian marriage OR if you feel like your marriage could use a little boost, I'd like to invite you to join this new private Facebook coaching experience - Marriage Challenge! We'll be starting soon!join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/marriagechallengewithelisabeth

FREE (OR SUPER AFFORDABLE) RESOURCES:

if you'd like to reach out, you can email me at elisabeth@elisabethklein.com

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in a difficult marriage:

∂ if you’re not safe or if you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, please set up a safety plan (https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-perso...) and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)

∂ podcast – All That to Say: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/elisabeth-klein

∂ confidential marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment

∂ Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage e-book: https://bit.ly/Elisabeth-Klein-books-on-Amazon

∂ Better Way to Stay e-course: https://bit.ly/better-way-to-stay-marriage-ecourse

separated or divorced or single mom:

∂ my podcast – All That to Say: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/elisabeth-klein

∂ Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage book: https://bit.ly/Elisabeth-Klein-books-on-Amazon

∂ Surviving as a Christian Single Mom e-book: https://bit.ly/Elisabeth-Klein-books-on-Amazon

∂ Heartbreak to Hope divorce recovery e-course: ⁠ https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-ecourse

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