I went away for five days. It came at a pivotal point for me. And I used it as this in-between time. In between several seasons of my life.
I set aside one morning for what I called a grieving session. During that time, I journaled about a handful of things that have been hurting my heart over the past couple years. I wrote about how my health has brought me such discouragement this past year-and-a-half and I felt like I had lost so much time and money to trying to find out what was wrong with me. And I wrote about missing my children - yes, even though they are 27 and almost 26, and I should be used to the empty nest years by now but my heart hasn't caught up and how I wished I could see or talk to them every day for the rest of our lives but that's not how the system works. And I wrote about some marriage things and how I hadn't handled those things well. And I wrote about my work and its ending as I'd known it and loved it for a decade. And I wrote about how my life was about to completely change with my husband's retirement, saying a goodbye to my stay-at-home-alone years.
I cried a bit. I let myself be sad. And I didn't try to fix it or jump into 'what's next?', scheduling my next session for the next morning.
I let myself do some work, go for a couple walks, listen to podcasts that weren't too deep, asking the LORD to metabolize the grieving work, to receive it, to hold my heart, to comfort me, to transform me in my sadness and my goodbyes.
The next day I had what I called a consecration session. This is where I brought up all of the same issues, but thanked God for all the good things in each of those areas, and asked him to help me let go of what I needed to let go of, to love in healthier and more whole and holy ways, to bring as much healing as he wished to give me. I told him I received all the good memories into my heart and mind, and I received all the lessons he had wanted me to learn, and I received all the sweetness he wanted for me (and my body, and my children and mothering, and my marriage, and my husband and my work). I invoked the creation glory of God and the river of life (John Eldredge phrases) over each area of my life. And I surrendered each of these areas to him, asking for his will to be done.
I then read in Luke 8 the story of the hemorrhaging woman who had touched the hem of Jesus' robe.
One of my issues as I'm far into middle age and post-menopausal and feeling like my life is smaller is that I feel invisible, unneeded.
But there is one sentence in the ESV account that goes like this, and it caught my eye, and I kept reading it over and over and over:
Now when the woman saw that she had not escaped notice, she came trembling and fell down before Him...
Now when the woman saw that she had not escaped notice...
Now when the woman saw that she had not escaped the notice of Jesus...
(Now the woman saw that she does not ever escape the notice of Jesus...)
I have not escaped the notice of Jesus. I may be escaping the notice of many many people (and that's truly okay), but I will never escape the notice of Jesus. (And neither will you, by the way.)
I then went down to the beach of Lake Michigan and found two rocks. A dark one for my past, a light one for my future. I literally said to God, out loud, this rock represents everything in my life from September 27, 1970 to today. Thank you for all of it, the good and the bad. I give you all of it. I can change none of it. And I'm saying goodbye. Then I tossed it into the water.
I then said, out loud, this rock represents everything in my life from today until the day I die. Thank you in advance for all of it, the good and the bad. I give you all of it. I receive all of it. Please give me strength for all of it, please guide me, please give me wisdom and joy and hope. Please give me more of you. Then I tossed it into the water.
Listen, things like this aren't magic. But I believe in rituals. I believe that something shifted in the spiritual realm, and little somethings shifted in my heart. (I can tell because I am making little different choices from before that trip in a few key areas.)
And I also believe I'll remember that I did that, and that might be the most important thing, when I'm drifting backwards...I can bring the memories to my mind of sitting on that couch, of writing in my journal, of crying, of feeling grateful, of the words 'she had not escaped {his} notice', of standing on the beach, the weight of those rocks in my hands, the sounds of those rocks splashing in the water.
Do you have old things you need to say goodbye to? Do you have new things you need to say hello to, to consecrate? Spring is as good a time as any.
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