I am a Control Freak
My husband recently retired and I have been anxious about it. Here's where I do all of my typical disclaimers: I love him, I like him, he loves me, he likes me, we get along most of the time, we like to hang out together, yadda yadda yadda.
And all of that is true.
AND I am an introvert. And I love (require like oxygen) alone time. And I am a tad bit routine and a touch inflexible and never been called spontaneous a day in my life and everything has its place and I live and work on the main floor open concept kitchen/living room combo all of the minutes of my every single day and I like quiet and...
And in my emotional preparation for our time together I have been saying some things.
Things like, oh, you could finally join a men's group now! and hey, want to meet with our pastor about ways you can serve? and guess what, you can go to the monthly men's breakfast and look at that I already put it on the calendar for every first Friday of the month until one of us dies! and things like that.
Innocent things like that. Well-meaning things like that. (Deeply, deeply well-meaning things because I love him and want what's best for him and...)
And as it turns out... Controlling things like that. Sounds like I'm your mother or Holy Spirit or friendly neighborhood cruise director things like that. Sounds like that sweet man doesn't know what he wants for his own life and doesn't know how to make his own decisions. Things that, if someone said to me, I would be seething.
According to the book Control Freak by Les Parrott III - that yes, I already ordered and read in under three days - "anxiety fuels control. But at the root of control is not trying to dominate another person but trying to tame the anxiety."
When I am anxious, my control ratchets up (poor sweet Richard just trying to live his own life and enjoy his well-earned retirement).
I am controlling. But I don't want to be. I don't want to hurt or undermine my husband.
So this is what I will be working on, especially as we adjust to fifty more hours a week together moving forward: -I can ask him something once; I know I’m being controlling when I ask more than once (this is an AlAnon principle that I should've known already) -not asking him about men’s ministry / joining a men’s group / meeting with our pastor about serving on his own, because he's a grown-up and can do any or all of these if he wants to (and being super grateful that he wants to serve with me and be in a couples' group with me) -filling up my own life, taking care of my own emotional acre and staying out of his acre, detaching with love (also AlAnon stuff that I thought I'd mastered) -guarding my tongue and not saying something if it’s naggy or critical or controlling (we'll see) -making a habit of asking Richard’s advice, opinions and ideas, listening to it and trying it -make a habit of relinquishing control on small things, letting him make couple decisions and his own decisions, to practice this muscle
We are all controlling from time to time. We all think that what we think and do are the right things to think and do otherwise we wouldn't do them. But when we hurt others - even unintentionally - with our needing to have our own way or with our pushing our agendas or values on someone else, it can be a good idea to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate. Only good can come.
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