Anxiety Isn't the Whole of Me, It's Just a Part

I’ve mentioned before, but God has used Internal Family Systems to bring such healing and freedom to my life, it’s practically unreal to me.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapy model that sees the mind as made up of different “parts,” almost like a family inside of you. Some parts—called exiles—carry deep pain or trauma and are often pushed away. To keep that pain from overwhelming us, other parts step in to manage life by being perfectionistic, critical, anxious, or overly responsible. When the pain breaks through anyway, still other parts—often called firefighters—jump in to distract or numb it, sometimes through impulsive or extreme behaviors. At the center of it all is what IFS calls the Self: a calm, compassionate, grounded core that can listen to these parts, care for them, and bring healing.

I have struggled with anxiety in different forms over the course of most of my life—my first memory of it being when I thought there was someone in my and my mother’s apartment when I was home alone in the 7th grade and I hid in her bedroom closet with a knife for hours.

But I only started really addressing it in the past five years with talk therapy and EMDR.

But it wasn’t until my most recent therapist told me about the Tapping Solution app which guides users through Emotional Freedom Techniques, and Internal Family Systems that I experienced the most liberation to date.

I began having parts conversations—envisioning the different aspects of myself and talking to them directly. It felt odd to begin with, for sure. It’s a bit woo-woo even for me, but bringing the Spirit into it and asking Him to guide me has helped.

I tend to be a words-girl, keeping journals since I was a teenager. And I tend to not be all that visual in my imagination, even tending to have vague and short dreams.

But I found myself having very vivid interactions, able to picture each of my different parts, and imagining per se our conversations, them talking back to me. I’m going to share a couple parts conversations in the hopes that you will see that you can do this as well.

I was anxious to go to our small group wrap-up celebration on my own, disappointed that Richard had another engagement he couldn’t get out of. I’ve always been a bit socially anxious, never loving going out to do things on my own. And Richard has become my buffer, my safe and fun buddy, giving me more confidence to go do things, by knowing he would be with me or at least in the same room.

When I feel anxious, it can present as anything from an upset stomach, to eye twitches, shaky hands or even crying if it’s something I really, really do not want to do.

I’ve learned to not shame myself for this anymore. I used to tell myself it was ridiculous that I felt this way, especially if it were for something I also wanted to do or set up myself.

But now, I’ll say something like this:

Hey there, Anxiety. I feel you. What’s going on? (I usually already know what’s going on.) Then I’ll say something like, Do you realize how much you have helped me in my life? How many things you’ve kept me safe from and got me through? You’re really great at taking care of me. (This starts to calm me down…I can start to feel my symptoms softening and lessening.)
But you know what…we’re safe now. And this thing we’re about to go to…it’s actually a good thing. We’re 54 now, we’re all grown up. We can handle this now. There’s actually nothing for us to be afraid of.
And then I wrap it up by saying, Anxiety, I’m going to need you to remove your energy from my body.

So, for this small group celebration, my Anxiety showed up as my 5-year-old self. I told her that she didn’t have to go with me, that she could sit this one out, that she could stay all cuddled on the couch, but that I needed to go to this because it was important and I had made a commitment and it would be meaningful and I wanted to support my group. She said okay.

As I was getting ready to leave, I felt her say she didn’t want me to go either. Again I said that I heard her and that I actually didn’t want to go myself but that I’d be home in a couple hours and we’d get a couch night just the two of us tomorrow. She liked that. I went on to have a lovely time, and in the couple times I started to feel uncomfortable while at the celebration and felt like I just wanted to leave, I thought of Little Beth sitting on the couch and it genuinely helped.

Another time, I was about to do a coaching call and felt some butterflies over it. I asked Anxiety what was going on, and it was Little Beth again. I asked her why she didn’t like talking on the phone and she said, “We had to call mom when we got home from school and we were alone and scared,“ and I said that made a lot of sense. And then she said, “And we had to talk to daddy on the phone every week and we never knew what to say.”

I don’t like coaching calls because I never know what I’m going to say, I assume I won’t fill up the conversation and people will think I’m a bad coach with zero wisdom and help. So to hear that little girl part of me say that was a lifetime of connecting the dots.

But recent history tells me that I always know what to say because I’m really good at coaching. And so I told Little Beth that she could just listen in if she wanted to but that I needed to make this call because I was about to help someone. She liked that idea. And I went on to make that call and have had less pre-coaching-call anxiety since then.

I get it…for some of you, this may sound insane. How can it be this simple? How does this work?

By approaching these our parts with curiosity and compassion, we shift our nervous systems out of fight-or-flight and into a calmer, more regulated state. As old wounds are witnessed and unburdened, the brain rewires toward safety and integration.

I don’t fully understand the science behind it, I just know that it’s changing my life.

I’m letting the parts of me out from the basement of my heart and into the living room. I’m letting them tell me what they felt when they got stuck at that age or stage or in that trauma.

And just letting them be heard is what is called unburdening, and it legitimately sets you free, to the point that I can feel it in my body and it’s changing my life and relationships. I’m genuinely being set free.

This essay is an excerpt from my e-book, Stories Only Strangers Can See. If interested in reading -- and if you are truly a stranger ;) -- you can purchase your copy here. 

FREE (or Super Affordable) Resources

If You’re in a Difficult Marriage:

Safety First
If you’re not safe—or if you or your children are being physically or sexually harmed—please create a safety plan and reach out for immediate help.
📞 National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
📝 Safety plan: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/

🌿 Support & Encouragement
• All That to Say podcast: https://bit.ly/all-that-to-say-elisabeth-klein-podcast
• Confidential marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
• Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage e-book: https://bit.ly/Elisabeth-Klein-books-on-Amazon
• Better Way to Stay e-course: https://bit.ly/better-way-to-stay-marriage-ecourse
• Decision Time e-course: https://bit.ly/courses-for-wholeness

If You’re Separated, Divorced, or a Single Mom:

🌱 Encouragement & Healing
• All That to Say podcast: https://bit.ly/all-that-to-say-elisabeth-klein-podcast
• Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: https://bit.ly/Elisabeth-Klein-books-on-Amazon
• Moving On as a Christian Single Mom e-book: https://bit.ly/Elisabeth-Klein-books-on-Amazon
• Heartbreak to Hope divorce recovery e-course: https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-ecourse

✨ All courses: https://bit.ly/courses-for-wholeness