I had a revelation – mid-falling-for-the-sweet-man – when I went away to Michigan on my freak-out last month. Hopefully you can track with me on this because it’s a bit complicated.
I am an introvert. I love my kids, my family, my friends but I love spending time alone. I hate talking on the phone. My ideal day is when I don’t have to go anywhere and my house is quiet.
But despite this, I have a few deep friendships and we pour into each other. But if I don’t hear from a friend for a little while, I don’t panic. I just figure she’s living her life as I’m living mine.
I don’t have to know my friends’ daily lives with a play-by-play. Or my family’s. Or my children’s. Or even, when I was married, my husband’s.
However, I do seem to have to be in somewhat constant communication with one particular type of person/relationship:
A man, when there is some kind of romantic interest, pre-wedding day/pre-eternal-commitment.
(I know, with each confession, I am scarily narrowing down my potential future dating pool. A chance I’m willing to take to bring resonance or empathy to even one of you today.)
I had been under the mistaken impression that this was a character flaw in my teens and early 20s, but it turns out I’ve still got it. I have now been in this situation with four men in the past twenty-four years: I can’t get enough.
I don’t feel this way with guy friends. I didn’t feel this way once the security of a marriage commitment was in place. But in the in-between time, I seem to become slightly obsessy.
I was given ample – and I mean generously ample – access to this most recent kind man and yet, still I would think, it’s been six hours since he texted me…has something changed? For the love.
Yes, me, a fully-actualized grown woman. Acting like an insecure fifteen-year-old with her first boyfriend. My mentor would remind me that my wounds were deep and that healing will take a lifetime. But then she would point out that it wasn’t normal. (Bless her, she loves me enough to say the hard things.)
It was to the point where I could track my emotions with the level of communication for the day. Lots of connection: happy happy. Little connection: deep sigh and swirly panic. #notnormal
The interesting thing was that regardless of my emotional mindset, I was still, thankfully, getting much work done every day, still taking care of my home, still keeping my kids and dog alive, still leading small groups, still having my quiet times and in communion with Jesus.
But my inner world was a roller coaster. It was unhealthy and I kinda knew it. I was craving the contact, his good words. (If when I were younger, I had to be in constant contact with one particular boyfriend who I argued with all the time, I would liken that to an addiction to crack. But this…this was more like a pull to have a smoothie continually being pumped into my body.) (And yes, I know, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.)
And I didn’t know how to stop it other than to ask Jesus pretty constantly to steady my emotions. I was living my full life on the outside but I was all over the place on the inside. Not good.
And so again, no answers today. Just a confession, an observation, an awareness. Maybe this will make at least one of you feel not so alone in whatever un-wholeness you’re working through today.
I’m in this interesting place: I want to be the woman God created me to be, which comes with every emotion sometimes all within one day, and I want to celebrate that, and yet, I want to live in integrity and a calm that reverberates in my soul that no matter what, Christ is with me and is holding me and I don’t have to cling and claw and hyperventilate and overanalyze and wonder. I can just live. I can just feel. I can just be. It’s all going to be okay. Hopefully one day.
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. –Philippians 4:11–
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
This is such a good post, Elisabeth! Wow…thank you for being so willing to be transparent for the benefit of us women out here.
I am in my early 50’s now, and I feel like I am just now really growing out of this kind of thing….hopefully. Man, when I was younger, I was so desperate to be loved by a man. And in my marriage, this has been such a source of deep pain. One time I thought I had found the man who was going to rescue me and take me away from all this. I was wrong, so wrong (not to mention in sin, being already married, hello!) Nothing happened between us (thank God) , and when I realized nothing was going to happen…and could not happen, if I wanted to walk my faith out…I literally was broken. Went for a walk by a river and literally my legs gave out…I knelt there in the woods and sobbed my heart out. I will never forget it.
At the same time, at this period in my life, Jesus spoke to my heart and said “I will love you, I will love you.” Emphasis on the “I”. It took me years to realize it had been He Himself that was saying this to me. I was so blinded by my neediness. It is humbling to look at it now. Sometimes I do still get those little pangs. The other day I was at church, alone…and I literally felt something like a long sharp needle piercing my heart, with this alone-ness. BUT because of all of this, Jesus is the most precious Person to me now. I wouldn’t trade it.
He understands us more than we ever can. He knows how embarrassing it can feel to us as adult women, dealing with these strong, teenage feelings. For the love….(love when you say that! 🙂 ) Argh…. he knows and He sees. He will bring you through. Just the fact you are aware of this is such a great gift from Him. Love you Elisabeth, I thank God for your ministry. It’s a lifesaver.
Thank you for the encouragement, Rebecca!
Sisters separated at birth! Well said.
Thank you, Carol!
Again…..your post reverberates in my soul….Amen! Amen!! Amen!!!
I was wondering why it is so “easy” for the ex to move forward from relationsihp to relationship and I am still an emotional roller coaster. Why is it so “easy” for others to “move on” and I’m still trying to figure out how to get through the day. Like you, my funcitionality remains in tact, but emotinally – MAJOR ROLLER COASTER RIDE!
It was so bad yesterday that I was literally feeling that all of this was some cosmic joke! I fell asleep exahausted from the struggle. And then…..This morning…. John chapter 3 and 4….such blessed assurance!!! Nicodemus had questions…the Samaritan woman found the living water she had thirsted for during 5 marriages and one live in boy friend!! So I am rejoicing today and the faithfullness of my Savior!!
Reading this post was another confirmation and AMEN moment for me!! GOD has SO GOT THIS!! Resting in Him and rejoicing today!!
Kim, I love when I hear something I write was someone else’s confirmation. Makes it worth it. -Elisabeth
I want to share that I have experienced this, too! Such a neediness and craving for affirmation – I didn’t have this trait when I was young and blindly trusted. It seems to have developed as part of my woundedness from betrayal and distrust. I still fight the urge for constant confirmation of my worthiness…yet, my counselor reminds me of what a draining task that can be for the one who loves me, yet is always required to do more to prove that love is true. I’ve been that position, too and it drove me away.
So, I think you’re doing great to recognize the trend, bring it to the Lord and trust Him to affirm your heart. I’m learning the same. Also, such generous love from a man reinforces security and I believe then the grasping for reassurance begins to fade into trust.
Such good skills to learn! Thank you for being so open – and all the other ladies for reminding me I’m not alone!
Thank you for the encouragement, Missy! -Elisabeth
While I am not in the same place that you are in life, I have been there. When me and my husband were dating, I lived for the telephone to ring or for the familiar ringtone on his text messages. (Thing is, I still do.) If we are separated, I am miserable. Not because my life is less than whole without him, but because I found the one that God intended for me. I am just blessed that I didn’t blow it completely and God didn’t say tough luck after I royally screwed up with my first husband.
Thank you for being real.
What really grabbed me in this post though, is this…
“I am an introvert. I love my kids, my family, my friends but I love spending time alone. I hate talking on the phone. My ideal day is when I don’t have to go anywhere and my house is quiet.
But despite this, I have a few deep friendships and we pour into each other. But if I don’t hear from a friend for a little while, I don’t panic. I just figure she’s living her life as I’m living mine.”
I needed to see/read that I am not the only one that is like this. I have joked for years that I am an outgoing introvert. Meaning that if I am forced into a social situation I will preform, but I would rather be in my pajamas at home infront of the computer writing or editing photos.
Bless you dear one. You are an inspiration and God moves through you. Thank you for letting Him.
Faith, thank you for saying God moves through me. What a beautiful encouragement. -Elisabeth
I could so identify with what you had to say. I am still in a very difficult marriage, walking as you did through the valley. One thing I have learned is that I need to find all of my identity in Christ. I can be addicted to love but it needs to be His love. Otherwise, my need does demand someone else to make me enough, to complete me, to define me. I am learning to drown in the love of Christ. If I am his, what else do I need?
Kathleen, how beautiful…to drown in the love of Christ. Gorgeous. Thank you for reading.
May I recommend a resource: Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage (www.elisabethklein.com/store) to help you keep walking?
-Elisabeth
Thank you for this. I’m not sure you’ve written a post that I haven’t agreed with! I was wondering if at some point you could address what a healthy dating relationship looks like, and maybe specifically how often to see each other.
Amy, I’m not sure yet I’m able to write a post on that, I’m sorry. Hopefully soon! -Elisabeth
Elizabeth – I had a relationship end a couple of months ago and it seems so similar (talking for 5 months, Michigan, etc.). Your post today is exactly how I felt. And I hated feeling. I felt like I was one of the teenage girls that I had been teaching in school. You nailed it on the head with the lots of conversation: happy happy sentence. For me, I know that God has decisively shut that door in my life right now. For whatever reason. Do I long to try to pry it open and see what’s behind there? Sure. Because it was the first time in a long time that I felt loved and appreciated. But, there is still a lot of healing going on and you’re #notnormal resonated with me. There are still things that He needs to work on in my heart. But, I have faith as you do that something good is in the works, whether it is with him or someone else. I need to wait and be patient and let him fill the cracks in my heart. Thank you for your posts recently about this. You are definitely resonating over here and I wonder if the Holy Spirit is not using you (yes, I’ll be selfish here) for me. You are a blessing, sweetie.
Lisa, absolutely feel free to think of the Spirit using me just for you. All I need is one. 🙂 -Elisabeth
“I know, with each confession, I am scarily narrowing down my potential future dating pool. A chance I’m willing to take to bring resonance or empathy to even one of you today.”
Hi, Elizabeth, I follow your posts with interest because I have friends and relatives my age, 73, who still feel the way you do about “romantic relationships.” Their lives have been characterized by multiple relationships and/or marriages and by futile searches. I love your wisdom, your hard-won learning. I think many or even most people do not “get it right” the first time, either in partnership or marriage, and whether or not they are Christians. I think God wants us to “get it right” by learning to entirely trust His ability to work through us, even though that may not bring exactly the outcomes we want.
My marriage is unusual and I don’t speak of it as exemplary; God brought two unusual people together to accomplish an unusual work. But isn’t that what you and your readers want to know: that God knows you and your unique needs and His plans for your fulfillment in the context of His purposes?
I followed a type of learning path I relate to in some of your teaching and the experiences you share with your readers. I picked up your quotation because it takes me back to my dating life, such as it was: my passionate desire for marriage, and the two relationships that looked as though they would make it. The first one ended in the death from a very rare disease of a man younger than I. I learned some essential lessons about my ability to hear God and follow His will during the two years we were friends, then romantic friends, then profoundly obedient-to-God friends as he was dying.
The whole concept and culture of “dating” in some ways runs counter to the concept of God having a plan for your life; dating suggests that it is your responsibility to find your mate. I dated not at all in high school, partly through illness and partly because organized church activities took the place of exclusive male relationships for many of us. My prom date and I continued to date in college. He was going to a university far from mine, was desperately lonely, and veered into homosexuality. I was too involved in my intellectual and artistic development to feel a great loss, although I grieved for him and we remained friends. Most students were far too busy with their work to manage intense personal relationships as undergrads, although a few did. That also had something to do with the type of school I was attending and with the different social and cultural expectations in the 1960s in Canada. I was more interested in people for their own sake at that stage — a concept you express in the second part of the quote above — than I was interested in finding fulfillment for myself. I could wait for marriage while I learned in ways that would enrich me and the marriage. I felt I was flexible enough to make adjustments to anyone who came within some kind of undefined range that encompassed my idea of what God would find suitable for me. I took that expectation and curiosity into friendships and into a few dates. Does that approach make any sense to you? I have the feeling that you have that kind of “open expectation with certain qualifications” in your outlook on dating.
I was open to God, who was teaching me about myself, so I knew I needed, first, a meeting of minds in a mate. For about eight years I rarely dated because I didn’t meet a male mentality that matched (co-ordinated) with mine. And the deeper I delved into Christian faith and practice, the fewer men I met who had a sharp mind with a solid faith in a body I could respond to who also were at liberty to make a marriage. I needed a partner with a working faith in Jesus; a living Jesus where you have to pray together to know what He will tell you about your next unified decision, and the next one, and the next. Looking back, that first meeting of minds–I was 30 by then–was uneven; our age difference of 7 years really represented learning differences in our individual walks of faith, although his was strong for what he had to do, which included blessing and delighting me in various ways. By the time I had recovered from his death, I had learned to trust that God had one and only one man in mind for me and that I did not have to hunt for him because God would bring him to me. The whole “dating” idea died as a walk of faith took over.
Learning how God was meeting me and others in our various life challenges prepared me in some specific ways for the man who was coming, although I did not realize that process was taking place. But God also spoke to me in a dream-vision that suggested the person coming was in profound difficulty. When I wakened and wrote a description of the dream it contained many phrases and images that I did not understand, especially “blood in the footsteps.” Then, a few months before I met him, I was complaining to God about my single state and He said, “Why would you want to rush into a place that is not yet ready for you?” I realized then that the dream-vision was not merely some kind of fanciful projection of my subconscious, but true; and I began to pray for the man who would be my husband, who must be in some grave danger. I took a fresh look at how ready I was for a marriage partner who might also bring some serious problems with him. A few months later, I met him the night before his fiancee’s funeral; she had been murdered by his almost-ex wife. I did not immediately recognize him as the man of my dream-vision. As I got to know him over the next months, in a few “dates” but mostly through exchanged letters, I saw how every word of the dream-vision was an accurate description of this unique man. His telling of those events that brought us together we published in The Turning Year: a memorate. My expression of our meeting is in a poetry sequence “Beginnings” on my writing blog. God really does have the power to make marriages by “getting through to” the people struggling to find right relationships. I hope my odd experience is not so weird that it cannot bring hope to those struggling to find God’s will for their marital and relationship lives. Blessings, Laurna
Laurna, thank you for sharing your story with me. -Elisabeth