I think you all think – because I have led you to believe it perhaps – that I am living my happily ever after. It’s all the pictures on Facebook of me with my husband, smiling and happy. And it’s all the sweet words I’ve written about my sweet husband, how he prays with me and reads a devotional with me and how he plants flowers for me and how he builds me up about my writing and my work, and how he is, you know, genuinely kind to me almost all of the time. And that is all true.
But it’s so much more.
And I haven’t been sharing because it’s too personal and too painful and too real and too right-now, and it has the potential to steal some of your hope, which I hate. (I desperately want to be a hope-dispenser for all of you; heads up: this post might not be that.)
Because the truth is that most of our emotional energy – most of our life together – so far, is spent (or feels like is spent) untangling the knots from our past. Even with going through a Bible study on freedom and a book study on preparing for a second marriage and weeks and weeks of in-depth premarital counseling BEFORE WE EVEN GOT ENGAGED, I hugely underestimated the weight of this going in.
We have yet to be able to truly begin to carve out who we are as a couple and who we are now as a family, five-plus months into our marriage. We are treading water in our collective pasts.
And I have been trying to pretend we are not doing so, trying to pretend we are not in a transition of enormous change, trying to pretend we are not in limbo. I have been desperately trying to pretend that we are a regular married couple…that we have few to no problems, let alone large ones.
But in reality…
We are newlyweds.
Who don’t live together full-time yet.
With no end in sight.
With little we can do about it but wait and pray and hope someone will find favor with us and change our circumstances for us.
Who are spread too thin.
With five children between us.
With two ex-spouses.
With two failed marriages in our rearview mirrors.
With long histories with other partners.
With ingrained ways of relating to other people.
With both true and false accusations being hurled at us.
With disappointments and guilt and mistakes and pain that could fill a hot-air balloon and make it fly away.
(Before anyone thinks I’m simply whining about adjusting to a new marriage (oh, boo-hoo, Beth); I’m not. I can’t say any of the most horrible things that have gone on the past few months here on the blog. So you’re just going to have to trust me…it’s been very bad.)
And I am desperately trying to rush through this season and put it behind us all the while knowing there is no rushing.
And every single day I am keenly aware that I am disappointing at least one – if not multiple – people who I care about, my husband included. Every single day. That I am not loving the people in my world well. That emotional things are falling through emotional cracks on a regular basis. That I am not enough, no matter what I do. Lose-lose-lose.
And in the midst of all this loss and change and uncertainty, I am struggling with insecurity and attacks on my marriage and attacks on my character that leave me second-guessing my every genuine attempt at kindness and generosity, that leave me agreeing with things like what a hypocrite I truly am. And I am struggling with loneliness and isolation whispering to me, with a sadness and an anger that are just below the surface of most of my thoughts and interactions. And my body is revolting against all this unresolved conflict and all these loose ends and is practically shutting down on me with a loss of appetite, continual upset stomach, sleepless nights, and back pain. And I am struggling with trying to fix everything…and I mean e-ver-y-thing that is wrong in my life, in our lives…trying to fix everything with racing thoughts, while knowing deep down that there is next to nothing I can do about almost all of it, that we just have to somehow keep living our lives with so many unresolved issues.
It has been such a painful way to start a marriage, such a painful stretch for both of us. More pain and much harder than we both anticipated, and we are both so very weary.
And I’m sorry; I’m so sorry. You have no idea how desperately I wanted to give each one of you a perfect, shiny, second-marriage, redemption story to hold up in front of you and run towards. I feel like I’ve let each one of you down. I know you wanted everything to work out just right for me. I know you wanted a happily-ever-after for me. (I did too.) (He did too.)
But life is messy.
Our life is messy.
We are praying for healing and mercy and wisdom and strength, for simultaneous protected and softened hearts, for the shards of pain to be removed. And sometimes we forget to pray. And sometimes we hurt each other and our children.
So, today, this is all I really know to be true:
We are trying to make good choices.
We are trying to do good work.
We are trying to love God (and we are trusting that he loves us).
We are trying to love each other.
We are trying to love our children.
We are trying to love our friends and families.
(Despite how it all appears.)
We are failing at some of this.
But, and I’m so sorry, sometimes love isn’t enough. And at the same time, sometimes it has to be. // Christ have mercy. We need you.
A week later…
The day after I wrote this, I finally asked myself the question that I had been asking my MarriageMentor and DivorceMentor mentorees lately: how is your life working for you? And I realized mine wasn’t. My life – in its current form – isn’t working for me and it isn’t working for my husband, and I/we can’t keep doing things the same way. Something…some things…have to change.
But the truth is, I am declaring that my joy has been robbed. And I have done all I usually do when walking through a hard time, when being spiritually and personally attacked – extra time with Jesus, trying to eat even better even though I’m not hungry, drinking more water and tea, upping my Vitamin D intake, walks and bike rides and yoga, circling the wagons with extra time with close friends, doing fun things, playing worship music throughout the day, extra journaling, taking naps – and it hasn’t been helping. I dumped out my bag of tricks and I came up empty.
So, I got myself into my counselor’s office, and then a few days later, I got myself into my doctor’s office, and then the next day, I began taking an anti-depressant again, something I haven’t done since my separation.
I will keep doing all I know to do, and I will wait in expectation for healing to come and joy to return. (It always does and it always has.)
And my expectations – and your expectations – of happily ever after will just have to be transformed to something closer to reality:
Two people doing the best they can who totally mess up but know that they’re loved.
And that I’ve got. Because, to be crystal clear, this marriage is nothing like my first marriage, I would marry Richard again in a heartbeat, and I am grateful every single day for his great love for me, especially in the middle of our mess. And I am trusting that it won’t always feel like this, that one day our past will be just that…our past. And that our present and our future will be front and center, where they rightfully belong. Until then, Jesus…
If this post resonated with you, please share it with a friend.
Elisabeth,
If I were with you, I would give you a big hug…take your face in my hands, look you in the eye and say…you are loved…it is okay…it will be better…
I am so thankful for your transparency and honesty…that struck me when I first read your writing on Crosswalk and it continues still a few years later…
I share some of your same feelings…always it seems!…even though for different reasons…
But I love you and thank you for being you and being real with all of us…
: )
Thank you for this. Thank you for continuing to share your heart. I thought I was alone but again you’ve reminded me we’re never alone. I came across your blog while seperated and remarried in May 2014 and expected the same things you did. It has been hard to be newlyweds with so much baggage. Ron Deal said in his Step Family series that the honeymoon comes after the kids are grown for newlyweds. He wasn’t joking! The exes are never going away and its hard, the hardest part because they do still joy. I think in purpose sometimes. What I’m learning is to not talk so much about them. If there’s an ex issue I tell my husband we talk about it for a bit and then we change the subject. We too are spread thin, you’re not alone. We have little kids and a new baby, we’re spread so thin it crazy. I just find big ways to small times matter. Like pretending the van is a pirate ship or rocket ship and laying down with the kids at bedtime. Hang in there, you still have a redemption story and so do I. I just today someone yesterday “God didn’t bring me through my divorce to my new husband for nothing. He brought us together and I’m standing firm in that.” I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for you and me.
So sorry that you’re struggling Elisabeth, but I hope it helps to be reminded that you can absolutely trust the God who brought you and Richard together. Remarriage and stepfamily life is not easy, in fact it’s downright hard work, but you are most definitely NOT alone. Isaiah 54 & 55. He is faithful. Bless you xx
May God continue to heal your pain. And may He silence the critics and restore the joy of your salvation.
Praying for you. So sorry.
Dear Elizabeth – Thank you, as always, for being so brave and honest. It’s difficult to find the right words but I was wondering how you were doing and thinking that your new marriage must bring its own challenges, for the various reasons you mentioned (transition, blending families, baggage from the past, etc.). I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I hope you’re getting a lot of support and that you and Richard are able to make the changes you need in order to keep making progress. My heart and my prayers are with you.
Dear Elisabeth,
As I read your email, I couldn’t help but think about you and Richard and where God is placing me next week, at The Cove in Asheville, NC. Billy Graham’s Training Center…I will be sitting under Dr. Edwin Lutzer, recently retire pastor of Moody Church for the last 30 + years…he is teaching on “Grace to get Past Your Past”
I know it would be a miracle from God for you and Richard to be there but thought I would share due to all teachings are available after the seminar which will be on Wed, Oct 28th….available to order through the Book Store.
Asking God to give you and Richard His wisdom, His strength to continue to persevere in Christ in becoming the married couple He desires you both to be for His Honor and Glory….
Praying…..
Prayers!!! I think you are right on that happier days are ahead. Thanks for being honest. I was just chatting with my dad (happily married to my stepmom for 20 years now), and he admitted a similar season (not that he needed to admit it. Us kids were part of the adjustment). I remember the rough early days of my mom’s marriage to my stepdad too (and we begged them to marry; we loved – still love – our stepdad!). But, oh, it was not always smooth sailing and happily ever after. My mother (not a cryer type) actually would burst into tears in front of us. And this was/is a GOOD marriage. But 20 years later… It’s not intense like that. Things are settled. I have a boatload of happy me memories and strong affections and have watched my parents grow and set great examples for us.
Praying you get some resolution and relief soon.
Beth, thanks for sharing! You are not alone! We all have a past. But thank God for sending Jesus to die on the cross for our sins! He died so when we stand in front of God someday that he sees us washed white as snow and our sins are thrown in the sea of forgetfulness to be remembered no more! If God does not see it anymore we should not either. The past is the past! To be remembered NO MORE! Walk in victory! Keep fighting the fight! The enemy was you in this month of October to see our problems. But, be like David an attack it. Walk in confidence. Take charge! You have the power and the authority to tread on serpents! Keep doing what God has called you to do!! God is with you! You are not alone! Love you my friend♡♡MY GOD IS A GOD OF LOVE AND FORGIVENESS♡♡OUR GOD IS ABLE TO DELIVER US!!!
I sooooooo appreciate your transparency. Part of what’s been hard in seeking out help is that I feel like everywhere I look people have the “blessed and highly favored”, happily ever after face on. I can’t stomach or muster up that lie. So, thank you for being honest. I trust God will continue to carry you through this season.
I. So. Get. It. With empathy and understanding. Love your transparency and your REALNESS!!
dear Elizebeth,
Thanks for your honesty. Its completely okay to share your struggles and challenges. Life never promises to be easy and thank God you’ve shown us that marriage doesnt solve all our problems and although clearly the right thing it brings its challenges. Remember how far you have come and what you left behind. This too will pass. This difficult season will pass. I was thinking of the song standing on this mountain top seeing just how far ive come knowing that with every step you are with me. Scars and struggles on our way but with joy our hearts can say never once did we ever walk alone. Carried by your constant grace, held within your perfect peace , never once did we ever walk alone.
Psalms says he daily carries our burdens. Let the Lotd carry you and Buzz through this.
It too will pass… Like all the other challenges and you’ll come out stronger for it. God bless you. Keep looking up and dont take on board negative comments from others. X
I so admire what you are doing. This is not easy. Life sucks. And can suck our joy. Your husband has truly been a gift and you two keep fighting the fight and praying through this war. You will get through it.
Beth,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
For being honest.
For being transparent.
For letting us see into your reality.
In probably the most bizarre way ever, you have given me hope.
I will be perfectly honest: seeing and reading about your love with Richard made me feel somewhat hopeless. It wasn’t anything you did; it was the brokenness in me talking. Your love just seemed so perfect I didnt think I could be capable of finding that same type of love. It’s kind of like those drastic weight loss stories and in fine print it reads “Results not typical.”. I totally believed in your ability to find that kind of perfect love but I felt too messed up, too broken, too jaded to ever be that lovable. I was so ecstatic you found that but it felt impossible for me. Everything looked like a fairytale and I didn’t feel fairytale worthy. To see the reality of a good, sincere love after a cruel, loveless marriage makes me realize that I don’t have to be perfect and whole and sunshine and daisies to be loved like he loves you. It breaks my heart that things are hard for you right now; thank you for sharing it with us.
Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation talking from being up all night with a sick kid but this post has given me more hope than anything I’ve read in a long time.
I love you dearly, sweet Beth. You honestly have no idea what a bright spot you’ve been in my life the last few years. You have truly been a hope-dispenser, even in your darkest times. I will lift you up and pray God moves in great way for you and your family. Thank you for being simply you for all of us.
Thank you for being real. So many people sugar coat their lives. Your blog today is exactly how I feel. I have baggage, and so does my husband. We are trying to navigate our marriage and I feel like we are failing miserably. I lived with my husband for three years and then left. We have been separated for over two. I don’t know if we will ever live together again. We never had a honeymoon because we have 4 kids between us. His youngest daughter comes first before everyone and everything. Always has. Always will. So much so that they act like husband and wife.(the two of them live together as his oldest daughter moved out two years ago right before I did.) I feel like I am a mistress. Not the wife. I do most things alone. Not with my husband. He is usually with “the wife”. I have prayed many times about this and God has shown me time and time again that divorce is not an option. I feel despair. I feel lonely. I feel like this will never end. But this is life. It is messy. And I have my love and hope in Jesus Christ who suspect trains me. And I thank you for being real.
I absolutely ADORE my second husband. Yet there are days when this second marriage feels as painful as my first abusive one. No, he is absolutely NOT abusive, but I feel abused by his kids at times. And the pain I feel is really real. So, I totally get it. Remarrying after abuse with kids is really tough.