(Warning: this post contains swearing. Pardon my French, in advance, as my Gramma would say.)
I was recently told – from a few sources, combined – that I am a victim-card-playing, ludicrous, bull-shitting hypocrite who doesn’t actually care about people who are hurting.
Yep, that sounds about right.
I am all of those things.
I want people to feel sorry for me. For my past, for my present. I want people to look at me and think I rose above the ashes. I want people to think that my current circumstances are just too much for one person to bear, that I should be pitied, and lauded, and maybe brought a meal. Yes, I play the victim card.
I “bullshit” people. Now, with this one, I sincerely do not think that I set out to do this. (I could be wrong…maybe I do.) But truly I don’t, for instance, start writing a blog post or enter into a conversation with the goal to mislead. But I’m sure I do. I’m sure that I have painted a picture of my former marriage and I paint a picture of my current marriage and I paint a picture of my heart, and those pictures are just downright inaccurate. (Spoiler alert: no one’s version of their life is 100% accurate. There is your version of a circumstance, my version of a circumstance, and God’s {TRUE} version of a circumstance.) I don’t intend to “bullshit” anyone, but I am absolutely sure that I do.
I love my kids with my whole heart, but I selfishly place myself before them on a regular basis, especially with my time.
I say that God is my number one priority, that my faith is what holds me together, but my knee-jerk response to life can still be worry and fear, with praying coming down the pike later. I start every morning with him, but do I apply what I read beyond those minutes? Is my heart softer? Am I more compassionate because of my faith?
I write things that don’t line up with my actions. Yes, probably every day. For instance, I have a hard and fast rule that one should not start dating until one year post the divorce date. I followed this rule (and then some). It is a very important guideline to me. But my husband and I started dating three weeks’ shy of his one-year divorc-ary. (To be clear: I am NOT saying he was not divorced yet; I am saying he had been divorced 11 months and one week when we started dating. Before we met, when I had asked him how long he’d been divorced, he thought I meant separated and he said two years, and I found out later the actual date. Completely innocent mistake.) But technically, I am a hypocrite in that we both didn’t follow that to the letter. (Side note: I would say that I believe that guideline to be even more true and important now, because the farther away from the divorce day, the less baggage to wade through in a new relationship, which I can say we are experiencing firsthand.)
I do care about people who are hurting. But there are so many of us. And from time to time I get weary. And I may not handle each heart that comes through my life with kid gloves and I may inadvertently hurt someone even more. Yep, I hurt hurting people.
I’m also self-absorbed.
I’m also a procrastinator.
I’m also lazy.
I’m also a grudge-holder.
I’m also stubborn.
I also want my way.
I’m also quick to anger and not quick to forgive.
I’m so many of the things that people who know me and don’t know me and those who think they know me but don’t know me say about me.
I’m so many of the things that Jesus tells us not to be.
Those words that were said over my life were spoken from afar. They were not said to me face-to-face. They were not said by people who have lived with me or seen me cry or spent even one full day with me. They were not said by people who care about me in the least, or for me to make corrections to become a better person because they love me. They were said to hurt. And they did.
However, those words they said are true words (in a sense).
Now, I could end this blog post right here and this would be a fully true (as fully true as I as a human can write) statement of who I am.
But I am not just those horrible things.
I’m 45 now. Which means I know myself pretty well and I’m comfortable listing off my strengths as easily as I just listed off my faults.
So, yes, I’m a victimy, hypocritical, uncaring bull-shitter, but I also know in my heart that I love Jesus so very much, and that he loves me back. I also know that I do truly love my children, and even though I fail them, they love me, and they know I would fight for them with everything in me. I also know that I love my husband, and even though I can hurt him, he loves me completely. And I have the sweetest group of girlfriends who I love so much, and even though I can be selfish with my time or say something sarcastic that stings, they love me unconditionally.
And my heart hurts when someone is hurting.
And I spend a good deal of my time trying to alleviate other people’s pain.
And when I get mad and end up yelling, I feel really, really badly about it, and I say I’m sorry.
And I have a tender, almost fragile heart, one that soaks in harsh words like a sponge and it takes sometimes days and months and years for the wounds to heal fully, if ever.
And I want to fix everything but there’s so little I can actually do anything about, and that just about kills me.
So for those of you who read my blog and have put me on any kind of pedestal other than ‘fellow hurting human being’, who think I handled my hard marriage just right and who think I handled my divorce just right and who think I handled my dating life just right and who think I am handling my new marriage just right and who think I’m handling my parenting just right (maybe because of things I’ve written)…I’m not. I’m just a girl. I’m just a girl who messes this stuff up all the freaking time.
And I am sorry if I have hurt you, or misled you, or gave you bad advice, or skimmed over your pain, or made you think I was ever something that I am not. I am so sorry. I want to be on paper who I am in my life. Desperately.
I’m a girl whose true, deepest heart wants to love and to encourage and to protect and to bring healing, and my true heart wants to be loved and be encouraged and be protected and be healed.
So, sweet one, if you are being attacked, if your character is being annihilated, if you are resonating with what I’ve been going through these days, stand up for yourself. Yes, you heard me. But not the way you think. There is no point, I’ve found, in trying to convince someone who has their mind made up about who you are that you are anything other than their image of you. So stand up for yourself in your own mind and against the Enemy (he ain’t called the Father of lies for nothing). Own your faults but then tell yourself who you are in Christ – loved, held, fought for, gifted, seen, good – and refute the lies you’ve been hearing with Truth. And, if you’re able, pray for those who are saying the horrible things…this is all I’ve been able to muster up, but it’s helping to bring me healing – Please bring healing and wholeness to fill-in-the-blank. And I have said it over and over when each of their harsh words float across my mind, which is, sadly, very often.
Remember: you are not who others say you are. You are who God says you are.
Thank you, Jesus, that you see me – truly, deeply see me – and still completely, intimately, audaciously love me. I’d be lost without you. Amen.
(P.S. Listen, I’ve sent my share of snarky email responses in the heat of the moment; I get the rush, I understand the satisfaction in getting my voice heard and my point across. But if you are someone who tends to text or email or comment harsh or inappropriate words to people that you barely know, let me ask you to think about this next time. These horrible words that have been said to me are in large part the reason I am back on an anti-depressant. Words are soul-crushing. I wouldn’t go so far as to say the words I’ve heard over these past months have ruined my life, but I journaled this phrase recently…that those handful of people have re-broken me. So, next time you’re about to hit send on something cruel and unnecessary, please simply consider this: the person on the other end is a human being, with a fragile heart, who will remember your words. You can choose to bring healing or you can choose to re-break someone who is trying to heal. And if you struggle with this and actually want to change and grow and stop hurting people, you go ahead and write out that inappropriate thing, venting like crazy, and then you send it to a trusted friend who can handle it, not to the person that you wrote it to. OR, if you actually really know this person, get together and have a conversation face-to-face…that is the most respectful way to go. But if you don’t want to change and you see nothing wrong with it, you’re just going to keep hurting people, including yourself. And that is an absolute shame.)
(P.P.S Because of the nature of the overwhelmingly kind comments I have received here and on Facebook and over email since posting this blog yesterday, with many suggesting I shouldn’t listen to people who don’t know me, to my readers who are critical, I want to clarify one thing. Of the five things I started off saying I have been called the past few months – 1) painting myself as a victim, 2) ludicrous, 3) “bull-shitting”, 4) hypocrite, 5) doesn’t really care about helping hurting people – only one of those descriptors came from a reader, someone I’ve never met. I know the others. If it were just readers, it wouldn’t hurt like this, those words would’ve rolled off my back way more quickly, and I wouldn’t have even written about it.)
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Please dont listen to people who dont even know you. We know uou arent ierfect and neither are any pf us. The person who spoke those words over your life is probably jealous of your re-marriage or has their own issues and insecurities. For me it hurts more if people close to me say those things. Its the opposite for me. I was thinking of the story of max lucado and the wemmicks. Its more important what your creator says about you. We are all work in progress. I know your intention is to help women gojng through a difficult time and you have helped many. Try to do a follow on positive blog with some positive things where your ministry has been helpful and encouraging to women. Focus pn your marriage now. You are no longer a victim you are an overcomer, no longer a slave to sin but a child of God. Its no longer i that live but he who lives in me. The old self has gone the new has come. We are new creations. Yes we fall down again but we know that god loves us in spite of our continual failings and his grace and mercies are NEW every morning. Take heart dear Elizabeth and focus on Jesus, not on what some others throw at you. What did nehemiah do when he had opposition rebuilding the wall? He prayed and he said dont fear, god will fight for you and your families.
Elizabeth, thank you for continuing to be honest and raw. This post has spoken to me. I have lost friends (those who I thought were friends) over my divorce. I sometimes feel the loss of friendships hurts more than the actual divorce. I feel betrayed especially when I know they are talking about me. But you are right! Their words mean nothing. The words of God and how he perceives me is the TRUTH. Thank you for that reminder.
Elizabeth, once again your post has resonated with me. I had a week last week where several people hurt me with their words. I keep thinking I should have grown a thicker skin by now…but, it still hurts more than it should. I hope you keep doing what you’re doing because you ARE helping hurting women. Divorce is such a hard journey, but the good news is we know God is on our side even when it seems no one else is. God bless you! You’re doing great!!
Elisabeth:
Sweet lady, beautiful Beth…. I have to tell youu how very much your words struck right down deep in my heart.
And.
I, too, have an oh-so-fragile heart, and words that are blasted to me in an attempt to hurt just resonate and echo and re-visit my mind so frequently that I end up completely melted down. I then struggle to get back up (with Jesus doing the lifting) and set my mind straight (with Him doing the straightening and giving me the most crucial input)… and I cry, because I have to let the hurt out…. and sometimes I DON’T cry (brutal, holding it in) and I get sick.
I currently have been fighting shingles for something like 4-5 months (however, I’m a self-proclaimed FANATIC about natural healing, so have been able to keep those nasty, itchy, painful ugly shingles down to a dull roar.) And with each new breakout, I’m learning more and more about WHOSE I am (sweet Jesus owns me!) and HOW to deal with emotional conflict (mine is mostly with a Mom I love dearly, who is addicted to shopping online and also addicted to sugary, horrible junk food -ok, some salty too – that is slowly killing her…. but I love her so much and the HELPLESS reality of watching her self-destruct… oh, shoot, I’m going on and on!)
I have a painful (24/7) disability involving my spine, so I am not in the outside work-force. I praise God that He used this disability to draw me to Him. Unfortunately, my ex-husband dumped me because of it. (he was NOT following GOD in any way, so I AM better off)
I read your blog consistently, and you can add me to the large group of those who HAVE BEEN BLESSED by you and your insightful words.
I just wanted to say: even though we are ALL made up of positive and negative qualities, I see and hear and read of your love for those of us who are hurting. I feel deeply your desire to give some insight to us, even when it means you have to be painfully honest and share things that you would maybe rather NOT.
I feel your love.
I would count myself blessed to be your friend.
And… even though I rambled hard and long in this comment, I pray that you hear my love returned to you. I’m a fan, but don’t put you on a pedestal. I’m just a fan, who admires the work you do.
Be Blessed today! I lift you up to Jesus!
In His love,
Babs
Amen Ladies!!!!! It continues to be God’s battle and His revenge….we have an audience of One and is name is Jesus…who is full of grace and truth….John 1:14..
STAND TALL FOR JESUS!!!! as we all are conformed more to His image.
Blessings in Christ…..
TRANSPARENCY!! What a gift! You have always blogged and written everything with this transparency and I recognize how hard this must be – but also how freeing! Thank you so very much! And my prayer is that we will be inspired to follow suit!! And I really appreciate the reminder about not sending hasty emails that may be hurtful. I’ve been on both ends of that, and it was a needed reminder! What a blessing you are!!
all I can say is “hurt people, hurt people” (been there) and there is always pharisee’s out there that have to hang on to their legalistic views and opinions. Remember God knows the heart and He knows your sweet heart Beth. If you think back to all the bible characters that were serving others in obedience for God….they too got extremely hurt by others….those they were close to and those who didn’t know them, but they were being effective for God and their ministries were touching lives beyond those hurtful people and their words. Satan loves to destroy effective people for God…yes you are an overcomer in many ways and God surely knows your heart. Blessings on you dear sister and keep your chin up and keep touching the lives of many.
Elizabeth,
WOW is all I can say! Sadly this world is full of haters who “allow” the enemy to whisper garbage into their ears. Praise the Lord that “Greater is he who is in me than he that is in the world!” (1 John 4:4) We serve an awesome savior who loves us so much that he breathed life into us. Only ONE man walked this world who was PERFECT and his name is JESUS! Its by HIS grace and mercy and what HE did for us on calvary why we are saved! You continue to do what God has called you to do, the truth hurts and haters will be haters. We all fall short in Marriage, Parenting, Friendships, and our walk with the Lord. But he forgives, restores, renews, and heals! You are not the only one who falls short, we all do! I thank you because sometimes its that ONE single word of encouragement I need to make it through my day! And it is through your blog God uses you to give me that word! I pray God continues to prosper your ministry and use your life as an instrument to bring praises to his name! :o)
Blessing in Christ Jesus
You are wholly imperfectly, perfect.
It is especially hard, being a writer. Even more so when you bravely open your life up to examination by others when your writing platform is about your personal life.
You are brave, sweet girl, and strong, and so confident in your walk. (At least you’ve managed to bull-shit [pardon me] the impression of you being so if you’re not. But I think the truth lies closer in this direction — wether you identify with it or not, you have an inherent bravery, strength and confidence that shines through in your written word — I don’t believe that to be bull-shit. I believe that to be a snapshot of you in a moment.)
I am just beginning to realize my lifelong dream of writing. And what you address here, and also confess to, is something I’ve been guilty of in the past as well. That’s why I’ve taken a tongue-in-cheek approach to your bull-shit ownus from your critics. And I hope you will allow me a moment to try and lift your spirit and hear my argument against your ownership stance of bull-shit.
As readers (and I need to qualify that not every reader does this, and those of us guilty at one point have grown and matured to a place of compassion for the author) we are guilty of (as you’ve already identified) putting our favorites on those nasty pedestals without ever giving forethought to their inevitable fall. But we are also guilty of something much more selfish and rather shallow that is intrinsic to that pedestal mentality. We read what an author writes in a moment about an experience and translate that moments experience, not into a simple moment in that authors life, but it becomes that authors entire life and every similar situation becomes defined by that previously written experience. That an author labors to find the right words to express the right mood and sentiment of exactly what they went through or what they feel they need to say is never realized by many readers; that the author takes so much of themselves and places it on display, knowing some will not understand, but still hoping that they have somehow managed to use words in just the right way on a blank canvas of white to bring to life in the readers mind exactly what the author wishes them to know is an extremely arduous task. Many readers don’t understand how that can drain an author at times, especially when the subject matter is extremely close to a personal pain, humiliation or shame. This I thing is the crux of the matter at heart in your post, many readers read through a filter of omnipotent viewpoint. Not to say they think they are God, in literary terms (for anyone reading who I may loose) it’s a style of writing that the author takes a god-like approach to narration to delve into the minds of different characters, build tension, and weave many different sub-plots. However, in my opinion, from personal experience mainly, when readers read non fiction based on the authors personal life, we tend to filter it through this omnipotent viewpoint–but when it’s flipped and to a readers viewpoint and we are in that god-like position the natural progression is to become rather judgmental. Especially if the measure we are using to judge the author against is our own convictions, beliefs, morals, feelings, experiences, etc., yet the problem occurs in this when we fail to realize that our convictions are not yours. Our experiences and responses to them, how we would deal with our pain may not be how you handle yours. Simply put, the problem lies in lack of empathy and compassion. Yet somehow, despite all this the author has become infallible and now every aspect of their life is examined through the microscope of what is published publically, as if by making the decision to tell their experiences they have given up the right to do any wrong, to make any mistake. To throw a tantrum and eat a big fat gooey chocolate cupcake and avoid the gym for three weeks simply because they want to and life is overwhelming to them at that point. That pedestal has become shored up in an impossible reality and we guilty readers romantically dream of this author as THE ONE who finally found the missing magic formula to happily ever after.
The reader who cannot realize that your life is just like mine, and just like theirs (what? There really is no Prince Charming? Well, there may be…but In reality Prince Charming’s armor is tarnished, he may have a trail of toilet paper hanging out the back flap, and his trusty steed is knock kneed and buck toothed with one badly misshapen eye. But he has a very happy grin) is the same reader who has not looked at themselves as honestly as you have done.
Are you bull-shitting, using us for your own gain? Basically, what your opening statement translates to me: Have you become the abuser? Unevqivocally not! And I would like to humbly and with full love suggest to you that when you write to me, because as I read your blog it reads in such a way that you have written it for me personally, that you are not bull-shitting. I think that you do yourself a disservice in stating that.
To write of an experience, to write of a moment, a period of time, a conviction, your feelings — to write so openly about your life, yet retain your privacy and dignity — to answer to and hold true to the convictions and responsibility you feel led to by God is not bull-shitting anyone, in my humble opinion.
It is a hard road you are traveling. And you are under attack. But strengthen your resolve. Examine your motives. To bull-shit means to lie. In a public realm, such as a blog, many people believe it is their right to know everything about your life because you have opened your life to examination through making parts of your life public knowledge. They believe anything you post should have the same moments of anger and snide sarcasm and hints of laziness, the indications that you haven’t given your children enough time, etc. And when they find something that causes you to fall from the pedestal that you should never have been on to begin with the fault, in their eyes, becomes yours. Let me suggest that this is not so, and they are lashing out in moments of conviction, pain or fear.
Maybe they felt by following your lead, rather than the example of God that you set, is where they are truly discomfited. Maybe they found that you really didn’t have a magic formula…or, rather, you did; only it’s really against God whom they are rebelling and you are taking the hit for being His servant. Sadly, even other Christians in times of struggle and pain do this to others. I have been guilty here too. I identify with your moments of anger and taking long amounts of time to forgive yourself, if you ever do.
Pure speculation on my part of what your critics could be going through. But it hurt my heart to see you say that you were, in fact, a bull-shitter. You see, when I read your words through the filter of you, understanding you are like me just a normal girl with no super powers, and through the filter of Christ. I discern no bull shit.
It’s the story of Job. Jobs friends came and tore him down. In the end it’s what God thinks and not their incorrect assessment of you. Love you sister!
Agreed with Caroline Stuart. You are Precious to me. You know what? I know you went from people of the second chance. I bet the enemy is working 7 x77 to make you not share what you learned. I am in Canada. Never heard of it before you mentioned it. But checked it out and I bet The Lord spoke to you during that time. I don’t say this to put added responsibility on you, I say this BECAUSE sweet Beth, your Blog that the LORD led me to was what pulled me off the floor in December when my kids left and I spent Christmas alone, it helped me say goodbye to my former life. Your book was so honest I felt excerpts were from my journal. You have some tough stuff and God will use even this honesty. Thank you Elizabeth The Lord, He alone is my refuge, my place of safety and He is my God I trust. Thank you for sharing your heart
Love you! The real you. When I first started reading your stuff that is what I found so encouraging. Finally, someone who really understands a difficult marriage and is willing to be honest about it. I am no longer on Facebook and miss the group I was in. I still follow yr blog.
Unless someone has walked this path they do not understand and have no right to judge or criticize. People have no idea how much you or I have been put down already by an abusive spouse. We need encouragement NOT condemnation! Keep on writing and keeping it real. HUGS.
Wow. It seems like you’ve been going through a difficult time lately, and I am really sorry for your pain and I pray you walk through it and get healing and clarity out of what seems to be a rough season. Thanks for being so honest with it all. It really does mean a lot to me and helps me walking out of my past divorce….. and on a completely different note… this might not be the right time to ask for this… but will you talk more about dating? I NEED some guidance, specific guidance from a Christian friend who has successful walked this path before me. (I just joined Match)
You are not your sin or your pain or what others say. You are instead totally & completely loved. –Elisabeth Klein