When all is well in a marriage and both husband and wife are healthy physically and emotionally and life’s stressors aren’t bearing down, sex is wonderful and reciprocal and hopefully desired by both partners.
But this question is not being asked by a woman in this kind of scenario; it is being asked by a woman in a difficult marriage whose husband does not treat her well on a regular basis.
(Let me press pause to say that though 97% of my audience is comprised of women, I do realize that I do have a few men readers and that the man can just as easily be a victim in these scenarios.)
I’ve had wives tell me that their husbands have quoted Scripture to induce guilt; lovely things like, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:4) (There’s a name for this, by the way – for using Scripture to attempt to control or manipulate someone – it’s called spiritual abuse.)
I know of a situation where the husband asked the couples’ counselor, in front of the wife, mid-separation, if they should be having sex. The counselor said that, yes, the Bible talked about withholding sex only for times of prayer and that ideally a married couple should be having sex. So the wife went home that night, in an effort to do everything she was told by her counselors, and offered herself to her husband, only for him to make her feel small and disrespected and whore-ish in his icy and demoralizing response.
Yes, as a married couple, we are to give ourselves over to our spouses. Yes, our bodies are no longer our own. And yet…
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. –Ephesians 5:25
…there are situations and seasons and entire marriages when the husband is being abusive towards his wife, doing the opposite of what Paul commanded here, and yet still expects sex from his wife.
This is one of those times when life just isn’t as it’s supposed to be. And yet the wife in this marriage wants to follow God, wants to be obedient, and perhaps even wants to have sex for sex’s sake, and yet, feels this inner struggle because odds are she may not love her husband, she may have no respect for him, she may feel no desire for him, she abhors – rightly so – feeling used or like a prostitute (without the money left on the nightstand).
And so she’s torn. If this is you…and this has been me…here is what I would do:
- Pray. Tell God exactly what you’re feeling. Admit your lack of desire. Admit your anger or resentment. Admit you don’t know what to do and ask for wisdom.
- Sift through your circumstances with brutal self-honesty. I ask this with all the gentleness I can muster up: are you truly being abused and mistreated, or are you being stubborn and selfish? I believe that if you ask God to reveal your true motives, he will.
- Seek out counsel from someone you trust. Find either a woman who has been in a difficult Christian marriage or a Christian counselor who understands abusive marriages, and share your situation.
- Try talking to your husband. Try explaining to him that sex, for you as a woman, is an emotional act, and it is tied into all the other parts of your marriage (from what I understand, that is not the case for the man, so he may not fully understand where you’re coming from). Explain to him that when he is unkind to you, it makes it very difficult for you to want to be intimate with him.
- Have sex, but only IF you can do so without it adding resentment onto the pile of issues already stacking up and IF you can do so with a pure motive to serve the man who is your husband.
- OR Don’t have sex, but only IF you cannot do so without being in fear or feeling violated or even more broken.
- Be aware that in the cycle of abuse, sex can be the act that ends the honeymoon phase. I am not saying this so that you may use it to manipulate him to keep him on his best behavior; I am saying this so that you are not thrown off guard if things do go back to being bad after you acquiesce.
This is so very hard, sweet ones. There are no easy answers. Yes, the Bible says have sex if married, but the Bible also talks about treating each other the way we wish to be treated and laying our lives down for each other.
My personal belief is that, either way, if your heart is in the right place and if you are prayerful, you will not be considered disobedient. And remember that regardless of what you choose to do, you are still loved and there is still grace.
If this post resonated with you, then you’d benefit from Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage, found here.
Wow Elisabeth, this is one tough issue!! At around our ten year mark I had to get boundaries on sex. I chose to not withhold sex altogether but there were certain things I would no longer allow. Sodomy, spanking, and anything painful was NOT allowed—yes it was a huge issue! (This was when scripture was thrown in my face…according to my (now ex-)husband the reason God told wives to submit to their husbands was because God knew we would not desire what they did and we are supposed to set all our needs(and pain) aside to satisfy them! Hmmmm..) However, I stayed available and even was the one to instigate it most of the time to keep that connection and because he would get very moody and angry with me if too many weeks went by. It was never for me. He used so much against me over the years, my faults and failings, I was not going to let sex be one more thing. I have nothing but sympathy for the women out there who are still in the midst of this anguish. My prayers are with you all.
Wow. I wish somewhere along the way someone, anyone would have given me permission to set boundaries in this area. Not having those boundaries broke me. I had that counseling over and over and over again. He would use that scripture. Pastors used that scripture. Counselors used that scripture. No one understood what was really going on in our bedroom. By 2007 I was so broken, that every time he would force himself on me I would break down in tears. It began as crying through the process to full on panic/anxiety attacks that would take hours to calm down. At first I would try taking a shower to stop the tears, to just breath. Then at the end I just would go outside so the kids didnt have to hear. It felt like being raped every single night over and over and over. I finally left in 2010. But that part has taken a toll on me, and it really has taken a long hard road of healing. I spent 20 years of hell so I know that I still have a long way to go. I just hope and pray that the women who are in the position I was in hear your words and find the strength to set the boundaries necessary.
I survived a marriage that cycled in and out of spells of spiritual abuse. This was due to the addictive personality of my spouse who went for periods of time with no accountablity to godly men. With accountability, things were tremendously better.
We sought counsel from the early months regarding this issue. (After a couple of incidents when he had fits of rage if I declined sex for any reason.)
I learned some crucial things…. God created marriage and sex for safe, nurturing, sacred love………and procreation and pleasure! But first comes safety, then trust, then yeilding, that is why the act is loving, not exploititive.
Now let’s talk about sex during separation and after divorce: simple answer… don’t do it. Not with your husband or anyone else. Simple but not easy. I was so love starved I had sex with my husband for three months after he left me until I stopped letting myself be used. I fall into temptation with my guy friends because I’m so needy for that touch and affection. If it weren’t for the Holy Spirit I probably would have given up my purity. For someone who did “everything right by the book,” eveything you’re supposed to do before and during marriage, I felt betrayed and felt like it was all a waste. What was the point of saving my virginity for the one I’d love til death do us part? He’s gone and took my purity with him. What does it matter now if I experiment with other guys? I’m damaged goods anyway. That was my thinking. I was used to sex three or four times a day every day for years. To suddenly be stripped of that…. I was like a feral animal trapped in a cage, being deprived of my basic needs of survival. And the physical pain is more than I can bare sometimes…. I thought it would go away in time but I think my sexual need is getting worse, not better. I’m dying for someone to tell me how to cope.
Wow, excellent post Elisabeth! Your last point was excellent, and eye opening for me. I always wondered why my emotionally abusive husband would be cruel and cold the morning after we had lovely sex the night before. Now I understand why! That was the end of the honeymoon period! NEVER saw that as a reason, but it makes SO MUCH sense!
I also love the rest of your blog, especially that you lovingly ask women to search their own hearts, and be honest with themselves. Sometimes we just don’t like our husbands, and use sex as a tool. More often though, the husband really IS abusive, and it really DOES make us feel like a whore to have sex with someone who treats us like one. Sad but true.
Can echo almost every comment. This is an issue where I messed up so badly. I felt pressured to have sex by myself and.counselors when I should have abstained until real change occured in my ex. Hindsight makes it clearer, obviously, but I had no clue I was in an abusive.relationship because I wasn’t phsically abused. But, after and in seperations, jumped into sex too soon thinking it would make things better when it did the opposite.
Wow, you just gave me information I never realized. My ex husband (who was abusive) used to wake up the morning after sex and treat me really badly. I could never understand that. Explaining that sex is the end of the honeymoon phase explains this perfectly! I’ve never heard anyone else say that before. Makes perfect sense. Thanks!