Marriage is work.
Marriage takes sacrifice.
Marriage takes compromise.
Marriage takes brutal honesty and communication, even when you don’t want to communicate anymore.
Marriage is a dying to self.
Most marriages fail. Or if not fail, simply limp along.
Marriage is hard.
Marriage is hard.
Marriage is hard.
Marriage is hard.
Marriage is hard.
I get it. Ugh.
For the past two or so years, I have been hearing stories daily of women who are “trapped” in awful, awful marriages that would make most people’s skin crawl. I also hear stories of women who are now separated or divorced, who have left behind horrible, horrible marriages that would make you cry.
And I have been married before, for almost two decades. My marriage was not just a hard marriage, it was a broken marriage. Every day was a battle. My mind never stopped trying to decipher and decode. My marriage, for both of us, was an exhausting marriage, almost all of the time.
Statistics say that fifty percent of first marriages will fail.
Statistics also say that sixty percent of second marriages will fail.
I get it. You – the world, Christian culture, whoever – have all succeeded in freaking me the heck out about remarrying. Thanks. You’re all a collective peach.
But I have two lingering thoughts that are fighting to override all this doomsday talk.
First, there’s God. Who gently looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for him to be alone and that he would create a helper suitable. Now, I know that these words were said pre-fall, before all hell broke loose and forever ruined marriage. But still. The original intent was simply partnership in all its beauty and mystery, to be a reflection of both the tender and fierce love between Christ and his Church. And I want that. I’ve always, always wanted that. Besides all that, aren’t we supposed to be trying to live out “as it is in Heaven” here on earth? You know, bringing as much of Heaven’s beauty to this world now?
Which brings me to two, there’s the sweet man in my life. Now, yes, we’ve only been dating a couple months. So, yes, all of you would probably say that he and I are in the infatuation stage where nothing goes wrong and we skip through fields of wildflowers and we both think the other is flawless. (We’re not, and things have gone wrong, and we don’t skip through anything, and we both know the other has a flaw or two.)
But I sit with him on my couch while he closes his eyes and sleeps for a few minutes before making the ninety-minute drive home. And my mind can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have him living in my home with me and my children.
And I realize that though I seem to have a clock ticking in the back of my mind whenever I’m with people (as in, get me out of here…I’m introvertedly done!), not once – not once – have I wanted this man to leave my presence. (And I say this with the reality that our dates now last between four and fourteen hours each.) I’m just never done with him. I just always want him to stay.
And I realize that though, sure, we don’t agree on everything, we agree on most things. And he is easy to be with. And he thinks I’m easy to be with. (Crazy, I know!) Which means, he and I actually get along, at this point, about ninety-nine percent of the time. (Some of you in good marriages will not get at all the significance of that statement. The rest of you are gasping. Yes, sweet ones, it is apparently an option out in the world to get along with your partner. Who knew??)
And I realize that though I love being alone and being independent, the past forty or so dates of him being in my home and making dinner with me and sitting down to a meal with my children and him watching whatever on TV while I take care of a few things all feels like the most natural thing in the world. He doesn’t just fit into my life. It’s not just something I can live with. It feels like he belongs here. Almost like, where have you been all this time?
I know, I know: we’re new. And I know, I know: this isn’t the same as living together as husband and wife. And I know, I know all of that and more. (I’ve done this before, remember??)
But I guess, for today, I need to quiet the voices that are trying to scare the crap out of me, that remind me how freaking hard marriage is. That make me fear moving forward. That make me walk around with my heart not all in waiting for the other shoe to drop because surely it can’t just be, you know, actually good between me and this man (it is me, we’re talking about, after all, and I’m a well-known pill).
So voices, please. Please just stop. I know all of the hard and all of the work and all of the horrible. Please stop reminding me. I know.
Because for today, I just want…no, I just need…to remember marriage’s original design and that it is gorgeous and that it is possible. Even for me.
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Just enjoy where you are!!! Don’t let your or other’s past experiences try to steal your delight in NOW. Not that you asked me or anything:) As Lundy Bancroft says, “Good relationships take work. [The kind of marriages you’re talking about] take everything.” Not long ago a friend of mine posted an article debunking a lot of those fear-mongering stats for divorce and remarriage. I’ll see if I can’t find it and put it up in the FB group.
For all the negative reports, I would imagine there is a flip side of satisfied, deeply grateful spouses. Is it roses and butterflies everyday? no. Is it roses and butterflies sometimes? YES! I’m so happily remarried that I will sing the praises of marriage to anyone who will listen. The joy of companionship and partnership, the sharing of burdens and grief, the accountability – so precious!
The best predictor of a future relationship is time, so when you have enough (for you) time to discern how a relationship functions, you can trust that it will continue in that manner. Change is a part of anything that is alive, so it will not stay the same…but the core values can and will.
I’ve lived in a very difficult, challenging and hard marriage. I’m blessed that my experience of marriage is being redeemed!
PS – I think it’s impossible to no think about the “what ifs” when we are adults who desire marriage someday. In fact, I think we SHOULD consider the possibilities and how it would affect our life and the lives of our children. If we realize it is NOT best or possible, we need to be honest with the other person and be willing to let them seek fulfillment elsewhere. Enjoy this time of feeling hope and fun! Praying and seeking God’s will, HE will reveal it…we must be faithful to follow.
Statistics say that fifty percent of first marriages will fail.
Statistics also say that sixty percent of second marriages will fail.
I get it. You – the world, Christian culture, whoever – have all succeeded in freaking me the heck out about remarrying. Thanks. You’re all a collective peach.
SEE….this is why I’m stuck!!! I listen to too many voices!!! Well, my own are still pretty loud, yelling at me that men are liars and cheats and are well able and willing to hide all of that beneath a godly exterior…. and on an on it goes!!
I would love a few minutes of quiet to believe – really believe – that marriage can be and should be beautiful. I’m still looking for that quiet place myself. Sign. BUT I know God is working on speaking truth into my heart and life about His good design, so I’m trying to listen. BUT my misbehaving ex-husband isn’t helping any! TOO MANY VOICES!!
The word Sign – is supposed to be – Sigh! Good grief!!
Elisabeth,
As I read your email today, I am thrilled that your heart is open to receive what God would bring to you….with some guard, I am sure, at times….I would think only natural after where you have walked but out of the yuck, God has birthed so much as you minister to other women….including myself….
I think the key for me is my choices may not have been good, as time revealed, but a very hard learned lesson that we are not to be “yoked to unbelievers.” 2 Cor 4:14-18 I believe the word “unbelievers” meaning lack of trust in Christ. People in these last days, are not who they appear to be….2 Timothy 3:1-9, Jude 1:3-4 Beware, but be open to God fearing men that love God with all their heart, soul and mind, the Greatest Commandment, Matthew 22:37-39..and the second commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself.
May God use these hard difficult times of our journey to push us closer to Jesus…as we become through it fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ…..pondering with you..
Praying……
My heart is open but guarded only to someone that I can partner with in friendship, relationship to marriage as we Honor and Glorify our Almighty God, designer of the marriage covenant….
If it helps – the stats that 50% of marriages fail is sort of a myth. I know, I know, I published it on the marriage channel for years! But apparently it was more speculation than reality. Realistically, 75% of marriages (perhaps even more) are reportedly happy marriages in the long-term! So God is doing good things with marriage these days. :). Both of my parents are in happy marriages to after their divorce. But I too struggled to get over my fear of marriage before DH. And now it’s … Pretty lovely. And I say that after a rotten weekend with a lot of hard work and post-partum depression. Sounds like this relationship is off to a good start. Yes, fight those negative voices!
If it helps, my second marriage is absolute heaven compared to my first. Even the thought of being without him (like if he should die before me) scares the crap out of me. This from a person who was hoping to die when married the first time (because I thought that was my only way out.) Yes, it can be hard, not because things are hard between us, but because we both became step-parents when we married. And being step-parents is hard. But the marriage? Heaven on earth. Hope that helps : )