And I drew you in now, didn’t I? Sorry to disappoint. Because no, I did not sleep with four other men while I was married. I didn’t even think about sleeping with four men while I was married. But I had emotional affairs with four men while I was married.
Okay, to clarify further: they weren’t reciprocal. The guys didn’t even know. I basically had crushes on four men while I was married.
And yet crush is such a small word. A crush is what I had for three years in high school on one certain boy who left me breathless when he walked by me in the hall or speechless when I saw him in the library. A crush is what I used to have on Jon Bon Jovi. A crush is what I have now on Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds or Ben Affleck or…you get the picture. A crush seems young and somewhat silly and meaningless and innocent in the scheme of life.
So, whatever the word is for when you’re an adult, and you’re married, and you’re thinking about what it would be like to be married to another man but he has no idea. Whatever that word is (how about wrong?, envy?, sin?, coveting? {as in ‘do not covet your neighbor’s anything’, ergo breaking one of the ten commandments}, trouble with a capital T?)…yeah, I did that four times.
The first three times happened in the first few years of my marriage. All guys at church. (Now, if you’re a guy I knew from church fifteen years ago and you’re reading this and you’re wondering if it were you, it probably wasn’t.)
It felt both wrong and harmless all at the same time, as most burgeoning sin issues do. I chalked it up to the precarious combination of still feeling like an adolescent, my already very-struggling marriage, and my lack of understanding that the grass ain’t always greener. I kept it all to myself. But I secretly pined. And compared. All unfair of me. All totally wrong.
And I confessed to my then-husband, sitting on our second-hand couch, with our baby and our toddler playing at our feet. And I said I was sorry and that I knew it was wrong and that I would work on it. He was gracious, if I recall, and we moved on. I really was able to move on.
But then there was this other one. This one spanned the entirety of my marriage, someone I used to know. We kept in touch over the years – not a good idea on my part, and deep down I knew it. He was my what if. He was my path not taken. He was the one I let get away, and how different would my life had been if I only I hadn’t…
Dangerous. Flashing red lights kind of dangerous. Dangerous no matter how you look at it. We saw each other maybe two or three times briefly in those twenty years. Talked on the phone a couple times, always about church and ministry. And yet. Dangerous.
Why am I telling you this? Because men get the short end of the stick on this one, ladies. If a man sleeps with another woman, he is hung out to dry. (And don’t get me wrong, I get that.) But if a woman secretly harbors a deep longing for another man – even if it’s unrequited, unacknowledged, un-everything – we get away with it. We don’t get in trouble. We don’t reap any consequences. We don’t confess. We don’t even think it’s wrong most of the time because we, for the most part, don’t act on it.
But if this is you…if you find yourself in this place of being married to someone and wishing you were married to someone else or being divorced or single and wishing you were married to another woman’s husband…girl, run for the hills. Just run. Not one good thing will come from this. So, stop it. Now. And run. This grass isn’t greener…it’s just a different shade.
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
Great post, Elisabeth. I had the same thoughts about a former-fiance early in my marriage, but thankfully stopped after realizing he would not be perfect to me married to either, for one, and that yes, it was just as wrong as an actual physical affair and that continuing to do so would hinder my marriage from being the best it could be. It can be very difficult not to let your mind go there, though, and to admit it is harmful. I agree with the advice to run…block the person on Facebook, don’t intentionally see them/converse with them, and confess it to someone you trust who will help keep you accountable.
During a challenging season of marital strife (we were separated at the time), my high school crush got in touch me. I knew by the increase in my pulse that it could/would be dangerous to explore further and unfriended him, haven’t contacted him, etc. Because my marriage was difficult, I knew I was vulnerable and kept strong boundaries around friendships with men. Perhaps others can be more innocently relaxed about, but for me it would have been flirting with fire.
Elisabeth, you’re not the only one, woman or man, who has gone through this.We live in a world that makes it much easier to throw away a relationship than to struggle through the relationship building process. I’m guilty of the same sort of affairs you had, and so are many I know, who will confess.
Your’re also right in saying the grass isn’t greener. I believe whether God puts us together with our spouse (I’m with my second) or not, He will make our marriages great, if we let Him take control. However, that “if” includes both spouses being submissive to Him, although not necessarily at the same time. Ultimately, our marriages will have one of three results. We will selfishly insist on marriage our own way and end up divorced. Or, we’ll hang onto some of our selfishness, living a less than satisfying marriage but staying with each other because it’s easier. Finally, we can choose to put God in the driver’s seat and eventually enjoy a wonderful marriage that surpasses our expectations.
So if we “let go and let God,” He will provide husbands and wives with all we need to have wonderful relationships that will make others envious to the point of wanting to know Him. I know this is true because my wife and I are still together because a happily married couple introduced us to Jesus, and God has used us to do the same for others.
Thank you for your transparency and honesty. I appreciated your post.
About a year ago I had a man start paying attention to me. He was extremely attractive, a Christian, gave me nice compliments, and I’ll admit it — I liked it. I then found myself looking forward to making that delivery to that particular customer just so we could talk about the “Lord” — which we did. That made him seem even more attractive to me. I found myself thinking about him more and more. It wasn’t that I was dissatisfied in my marriage because the “hardness” of my marriage were starting to get better, it was just nice (or so I thought). Then God convicted me graciously of my sin. I began praying I would not find this man attractive and that God would somehow remove him from my life so I would not be tempted. I told God “you have said you will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear and will also provide a way out” — and it got better. He had been marriage for 20 years to his wife, had a nice family — and I did too. All of the things I had been telling myself were all lies to entice me into having an affair, and emotionally I definitely did. God removed this man from my life completely — he no longer works where I delivered and he removed himself off facebook (his wife didn’t like him being on FB (for good reason)).
I am thankful that when I see those “warning” signs, that I listen to them and RUN in the other direction. All new relationships have a honeymoon phase, and then they all settle into basically the same routine. That relationship was no different. I’m thankful God gave me mercy and grace to get out before I did damage to my marriage. SO THANKFUL!