I have a friend who is getting a divorce. (Don’t even bother trying to figure out which friend. I now seem to have a TON of friends who are getting divorced.) And she just got royally screwed. (Again, don’t bother. For the same reason.)
A judge decided some things that were simply ridiculous and unfair and way more skewed to her future ex-husband and it was HORRIBLE. As in, I could possibly lose all faith in our country’s justice system kind of horrible.
I know, I know. Life isn’t fair. Nobody told us it would be. God didn’t tell us it would be. We don’t deserve anything good. Hell is what we really deserve so any crumb we get here on this earth is a gift.
I totally know all that.
And yet, the rub. Because this girl..…this girl is faithful. This girl is kind. This girl has the softest heart. This girl loves her two kids. This girl loves God. Some divorce situations, it’s hard to tell who the bad guy is and who the good guy is. Umm, there’s no question here. She’s not sinless but she did things right.
And she got screwed ten ways from Sunday.
So, as I was mulling over the news and wondering how the other lawyer can sleep at night, I asked myself this question:
What do you do when you love and obey and follow a just God who not only seems to abandon you in a situation, but actually appears to have thrown you under the bus?
I then answered myself, out loud, “I have no idea.”
And so here I sit. Some posts, I already know where I’m going with the topic, and a few – like today’s – I’m going to answer myself as I go.
I have lived a long time by this point. Forty-three years, proud to say. I’ve seen and heard and done a lot of things. And for the past twenty-eight of those years, I have been trying to understand and follow and love God. And something cool happens when you can look back on a nice long stretch of time. I can see seasons in my life where I was so close to God – as in I felt him in spectacular, tingly sort of ways – that I almost couldn’t stand it. And I have seen even more seasons when I was doing all the same things I’ve always done – prayer, Bible reading, small groups, church attendance, worship, serving, reminding myself of times past when God had come through, et cetera – and felt basically nothing. And yet, I just kept doing it. Because that’s what faithfulness is.
And more than a time or two in this crazy life of mine, I have walked through seasons when I felt as if God had up and left, but before walking out, he tripped me. Hmmm..…sort of sounds like the question I posed after the yucky news I heard, huh?
So what did I do when that happened to me – that apparent tripping followed by the apparent forsaking?
I did what I always did. I prayed. I read Scripture. I went to my small group. I went to church. I worshiped. I served. I reminded myself of times when God had come through. I et cetera’d. And I felt nothing. Strike that. I felt hurt and snubbed and alone. And yet, I just kept doing it. And that’s what she’s going to have to do. And that’s what she is going to do. And that’s what she is doing. Because that’s what faithfulness is, no matter the sucky circumstances swirling around us, no matter the injustices.
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Such an accurate description. Love and faithfulness are easy when we are happy and full. In these times when things are ‘sucky,’ I have to actually voice my decision “I will have faith today.” I have no feelings about it; it is a decision.
Very well said. Sometimes I think God keeps testing us so that we “learn” that He is, indeed, faithful…even when we can’t figure out quite how He fits into the equation. When we’re in those times, all we can do is…wait and be faithful.
I have been disappointed many times over the years with my situation, with how God seems to be so slow in answering my prayers. I have been dismayed that the Lord of miracles has no miracles for me. I have struggled with feeling like an inferior member of the body, trying to figure out the “whys” and questioning God’s reality.
From that struggle, my faith has grown. Like new plants need dry ground in order to put forth deeper roots to find water, I have dug deeper into God’s word. I have claimed His promises for myself. And I am seeing His hand working — not always the way I would like, or imagine, but He is moving in my life and that of my family.
It is good to look at those in the Bible that had similar struggles. Like Joseph of the Old Testament. His situation goes from being sold by his brothers into slavery, and then facing a false accusation and being thrown into prison. Or the disciples; one cannot imagine their disappointment when Christ was crucified. But the story doesn’t end for Joseph in prison, but with him saving a nation from famine. Christ didn’t end up in the grave, but resurrected. And it is important to remember that the story isn’t yet over for us either. God is true to his promises, and we need to believe Him and keep our eyes focused on Him depsite our circumstances. Many times easier said than done. But I also think God is able to handle our tears, fears and frustrations.
Lynn, what beautiful words you’ve shared here and so very true to my own heart and circumstances. Thank you for putting words to what I’m thinking, feeling, learning.
Thank you for that reminder, Lynn.
The story of Joseph is comforting when going through hard times. He reminds us that what the devil meant for evil God means for good. Even when things are horrible, like in the case of Saeed Abidini held in an Iranian prison for his faith and being tortured, God has a plan in all of this. He never gives us more than we would be able to bear up against. We were chosen for this time and these circumstances that the Lord prepared for us in advance.
Elisabeth, you are right that when we look back we see more clearly. This will be even more true when we are with God and the veil will be lifted away for us to see the whole of God’s plan.
Yes, when we get to be with God and look all the way, how beautiful our story will be. Thanks for that reminder, Cynthia!
Matt 11:28-30 Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and “learn from me”.
A very powerful and real post. Thanks. I could feel your thoughts as you spoke. In my experience, those times where it seemed God was quiet or ‘slow’….were almost ALWAYS followed by EXTRAORDINARY blessings and where things turned around even better than I could of ever imagined, and I really changed in those times too! One thing I have really learned in the past 3-4 years is to stop trying and figuring out God. I am reminded that when I try and ‘figure’ it out – I am putting HIM along side of me – sort of my peer. Even thought I remind myself daily that God does not have to explain HIMSELF, I still find myself asking HIM…..where did you go? Anyway, you said it best – it is faith. Faith. At times I do wish I could buy an extra dose of it to give to another…..it is most hard for me to step back when a friend won’t walk in that faith and gives up too quickly. However…that is the challenge, and until the other side of heaven – praise God for bloggers and REAL people like you! Bless you!
Ways of the world will always be ways of the world. God is just and will provide!
Thank you Elizabeth for not trying to wrap it up all nice and pretty…Sometimes we struggle and its ok
Just like life! 🙂
AMEN, Elisabeth! I think that is one of the most life-changing lessons I have learned throughout this process – faithfullness – what is really looks like and means DAILY. And sometimes, in some seasons by the minute! And that even when we walk away from God and are unfaithful to HIM, HE ALONE is faithful to continue to draw us back to Him and love us and let us know we are His children that He died for!! Oh, what a valuable lesson to learn!! Thank you for this article!!
Thank you, Kim! Yes, what a huge burden lifted off our shoulders that God’s faithfulness to us never ends.
That’s how I feel and I just laid down and died. Your repost has given me new hope. Thank you
Laurie, you’re not dead until you’re dead, sweet girl. Get back up and move forward. -Elisabeth
I had a sucky situation this past week. And I had to make, what felt like, a humiliating decision based on that suckiness. I also taht day read this quote from my friend Kevin Adams: “. . . Jesus doesn’t teach us to be fair. He teaches us to love our enemy–to be more than fair to everyone, expecting nothing from them in return, which effectively makes the concept of fairness for the Christian, whether giving or recieving, irrelevant.” (Extravagant Fool). So while I hurt and felt the unfairness of my situation, I was also challenged. My husband often feels like my enemy. He treats me like one. I wouldn’t expect it to improve if I left but I would probably be the woman you wrote about if it came to that. I have no illusions. God looks to my heart and I want to be found faithful. My husband is also accountable to God and for that I need to pray for mercy even as I trust the Holy and RIghteous judge, who sees what happens and stores up my tears and loves me through it. I cannot imagine going through this kind of stuff without Jesus and without the body of Christ. Blessings to your friend. God sees and knows.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through recently, Lily. And even without hearing the details, I can resonate with your pain. It’s deep comfort that at some point God will set all things right.
Hi, Beth,
My special learning about how the ears affect behaviour could be an aspect of the overall picture in some marriages that are not working out. That learning is physiological and neurological and I stumbled upon it by trying to help our schizophrenic son. I not only helped him but eventually healed him, twice. The second time, I set about finding out how music could cure schizophrenia and, again, God led me to the information that allowed me to put my observations together with the learning of others and come up with a new understanding of how hearing affects behaviour–not just aberrant behaviour but all behaviour. Once I could teach Dan how to protect his ears, he could prevent himself from becoming schizophrenic again, and he has done so.
Let me provide a dramatic example in a marriage: My husband’s first wife murdered the woman he intended to marry. M’s husband had become (or was) gay; my husband’s wife S was severely bipolar (manic depressive). He planned to marry M when their divorces were finalized. I met him the night before M’s funeral and long months before S’s murder trial and long-awaited divorce. Through the amazing joy and amazing difficulties of our marriage, I would come to understand why his first marriage was impossible to restore because the elements for rational decision-making had never existed in one of the parties. The Catholic Church recognizes that principle in the various grounds for annulment without fully understanding physiological restrictions on behaviour that originate in imperfect hearing. Civil society understands that mental illness can be the grounds for marriage dissolution: “irreconcilable differences.” But no one has understood what “mental illness” is, less how to cure it. What I have discovered is that “mental” illness is the inability to process certain frequencies of sound normally with one or the other or both ears. It’s like having severe astigmatism when no one has invented glasses yet. Headphones and high-frequency music work on the ears in a fashion parallel to glasses for the eyes. With the difference that once the ear muscles have been strengthened so they can convey high-frequency sound to the left brain, those muscles tend to be kept strong simply by hearing those kinds of sound in the environment.
This is a very brief account; there are many nuances to a full understanding of how the ears’ ability to transmit sound affects mood and cognition, but you get the picture. The mental illness that led to a murder and the homosexuality that led to a broken marriage could have been treated in childhood with music. High-frequency music. Like David’s harp soothing King Saul’s severe bipolarity. Except that amplification of sound usually is essential to sufficient stimulation of the ear to achieve normal conduction of sound through the brain and body. Couples who can’t communicate may literally be unable to understand what each is saying to the other, not because they don’t hear sound but because they hear sound so differently. It’s like pairing a colour-blind person with a person who sees normally: the same objects are visible but they are viewed as extremely different by each person. Factor in ignorance of colour-blindness and you have a prescription for communication disaster.
The right ear determines how much self-control the person can learn; the social environment determines what kinds of self-control will be taught and expected of the person. Christianity expects very high standards of self-control; but some people are physiologically incapable of learning self-control to that level. I don’t just mean that learning is difficult, but that it is impossible. Many or most of them could be made capable of learning by treating their ears with high-frequency sound, the earlier the better. (Treating the ears later in life means a lot of unlearning has to occur.) Amplified (with headphones) sound works like “glasses for the ears.” As I read some of the questions you raise here, I think you could answer some of them by taking a look at the learning capacity (i.e., ear function) of each member of the couple. Of course, you have to factor in the ignorance of this knowledge in the judicial system and most other social systems. Yesterday, when I was in court for someone whose partner is violent and lies about her assaults on him, in a recess I had the chance to chat with the Crown attorney and explain to him why he could not hold a tune since childhood and sang poorly at his coming-of-age ceremony. Unfortunately, I did not have time to teach him about the losses of self-control of the woman whose false testimony was being read into the court record. But God will spread this important learning until our judicial, educational, medical, and religious institutions will have incorporated it into their profoundly altered systems. Blessings, Laurna