For over fifteen years, I have been quietly living a horror story underneath the reality that I showed the world. As the final chapter is currently being written, I have felt a nudging and a releasing to share that story with others for one reason and one reason only:
{He} comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. –I Corinthians 1:4-
The painfulness of this story, along with the shame and controversy it has carried, had pushed me underground for so very long, and yet I believed one day I would be able to reach out to others and proclaim that they are not alone and that there is hope.
My story is of a broken marriage. If I were not a believer, I would not have felt the need to keep it to myself all those years, but because we as followers of Christ sometimes do not know how to handle each other’s pain, let alone with overflowing grace, I kept for the most part silent.
So, I’ve been sharing my story, mainly to a specific and focused audience…for the most part, I was writing to believers of Jesus. I was writing, basically, to the Church. To people who claim to know, follow and love God. I wanted the quiet, hurting women to feel understood, and I wanted those who have no idea what it feels like to hopefully catch an empathetic glimpse.
Now, I went into this predicting there would be some backlash. I went into this knowing that some might not understand. Some might have differing opinions. Some might think I was wrong and maybe even let me know.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the cruelty and harshness from other self-proclaimed Christians. Here are just some of the words that my fellow brothers and sisters wrote to me and about me:
“The statement: A Christian marriage unraveling is a contradiction. A Christian marriage would never unravel. Someone needs an exact definition of Christian.”
“Your influence on women to ignore scripture in order to pursue self is not an influence that is in concert with God’s spirit.”
“I hope the writer does not plan to remarry, if so she will be committing adultery.”
“How can you hate men?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be a light for the world?”
“What is wrong with you?”
“You are a heartless woman.”
As you might imagine, these bitter and disturbing words have been rolling around in my mind and heart this week, and I’ve had to fight against any of them taking root. My faith was questioned. My values were questioned. My sanity was questioned. My future choices were questioned. I was chastised, condemned and appraised by strangers who read about two thousand words of my life story.
Now, my knee-jerk reaction was to plaster this verse on my blog and walk away for a while:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” –Matthew 7:1-
And even though I was able to find innumerable verses that sound just like that one, another rattled in my head that I just couldn’t shake:
“What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?” –I Corinthians 5:12-
You are supposed to judge me, so it seems. I am supposed to judge you. We are not supposed to judge those who don’t call themselves believers, because God will be their judge, but we are to judge each other.
How I wish that weren’t the case, trust me. But it makes sense if you think about it. We are supposed to guard ourselves from false teaching and protect each other from going astray and hurting each other. How can we do that for each other if we do not, from time to time, speak those difficult words of judgment?
However, with the Spirit reminding me of that Truth does come another point. There is a reason why I was so very hurt by those jagged, haunting words from my spiritual family.
Because they were mean.
Scripture speaks of a principle that I do not believe was practiced when these hateful words were typed at me:
“Speak the truth in love.” –Ephesians 4:15-
Telling me, from behind your computer, knowing you’ll more than likely never have to look me in the eye, that I am heartless is not a truth veiled in love. Telling me that there’s a good chance I’m not a Christian if my marriage is ending is not allowing your gentle spirit to be evident to all with the remembrance that our Lord is near (Philippians 4:5). A dear friend wrote as a response to a commenter, “Don’t write anything to this dear sister that you wouldn’t say to her face, with Jesus standing there listening. Because he is. For his sake, be nice.”
I am not asking for apologies for the cutting words. I am not expecting them. In fact, I am assuming that the people who wrote those words feel quite justified in their stances and in their presentations and are probably about to shoot off a response to these words as well.
But I have two final thoughts to the writers of such unkindnesses, who call themselves Christians.
First, you must be in such pain. There must be something in your own life, some past abuse, some unresolved forgiveness, some bitterness that has grown deep down, that you would write such a thing to a stranger without thinking twice. And for that, I am so sorry. I am sorry if the Church is who hurt you. I am sorry if another Christian hurt you. I am sorry if something has a hold of you and you can’t break free. You were my enemies this week and I prayed for you. I am praying for your freedom, and for a softening of your spirit and a healing of your soul.
But secondly, I have a plea. It was words like yours that kept me silent and imprisoned for so long. If you know someone who is hurting and if their circumstances don’t fit into your black and white views of God and Scripture and how life is supposed to work, please, please do not speak harshly to them. You may not realize this, dear reader and commenter, but this week with your pointed words, you kicked me, very hard, while I was down. I can walk away and not take on your wounds as my own because I do not know you personally.
But I am begging you, that if all you have to say is filled with ice cold judgment, please keep it to yourself. Because remember, Jesus is right there, listening and beckoning you to be gentle with the ones he loves.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! Thanks for writing this. It’s so easy to lash out at others when all we know of them is words on a screen, or words chosen to strengthen the mask a person constructs to hide what’s going on inside of them. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story. We all benefit from it, even the people who spew thoughtless words. In all likelihood, that’s just part of their “mask” as well, a wall of words protecting them from the uncertainties of life, shielding them from things they don’t want to think about.
Beth, I am so sorry that people, in the name of Christ, have hurt you so badly. You are a very special woman who, I know, seeks after God’s own heart.
Continue to share what God is working out in you through this very hard time. There are other sisters out there who need to see God carrying you through this tunnel of chaos. You are showing them God’s love and hope.
Praying God’s peace on you.
I love your voice, your honesty, your bravery and your grace. The world needs more of you Elisabeth Corcoran. I pray you never walk away from your keyboard.
It seems to me Eliasbeth, that those “christians” condeming and judging you need a refresher course on our Saviors own words from John 8:7. Stay strong, and accept my support and prayers; from a BROTHER in CHRIST JESUS.
Keep telling your story. Those who want to shut it down are wounded, yes. My prayer is that your critics would be convicted and that your warnings would spare countless women from being hurt. Love and grace to you!
I’m sorry for what you are going through and it’s true that most Christian women go around projecting a happy facade while inside they are hurting badly and they have no one to talk to. Keep telling your story. I can’t wait to receive part 2 of your series.
Ms. Keri Wyatt Kent shared your story and as I stumble and read about it last night, it moved me even though I have never experienced anything like it, I just felt how much you loved God and it was inspiring for me. From that article I found and pursued reading about your blog, and this words in here definitely leave me crying as if I have felt your plight. Thank you for sharing your story. It is a comfort not only to those in the same situation in marriage but even with single people like me. You are an inspiration. You are loved.
I love Proverbs 10:12 “Hatred stirs up strife,But love covers all transgressions.
A Christian who understands their own wretchedness, doesn’t judge others. I suspect those who throw stones are afraid; like the Pharisees.
I remember hearing about some of my christian friends divorcing and it made me feel more vulnerable. Now I know it’s because I WAS vulnerable. Here I am many years later and I can identify with what you’re going through because my marriage is hanging by a thread too.
Those of us who were not blessed with a beautiful marriage understand……we have wisdom concerning it…..we would never judge a person’s choice to leave.
I think you choose rightly when you choose life, health, and breaking chains in a marriage that’s killing you.
God works with broken, messed up people. He always has and He always will.
Just ask Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David,and Peter, to name a few.
Elisabeth, if your story or mine was in the Bible, I would not find it odd. We’d fit right in and the whole point is that no matter what happens, God is a Redeemer and he’ll use anyone who is willing.
Jesus had the right to judge when He walked this earth in perfection, yet He did not. He was gentle with the worst of sinners. It was the religious leaders who were harsh and the worst of hypocrites…hmmmm
Elisabeth…you have the desires for growth and equal respect from all that your live and encounter…it’s a tough one to have; however, it is one that I too keep and all the while force myself to find the ‘good’ in everyone I meet…often finding that bit of good seems next to impossible..so I choose not to seek those folks as associates or friends…your writing disply intelligence, concern for others and the utmost self-reliance in a God inspired framework from my perspective…no need to give folks whom don’t maintain that same character much time…keep on keeping on and know that your faith will carry you through today and all the next days too…best regards//George Cottom
Thank you for sharing. I agree with many of the ones who posted comments — it is so eary for other ‘Christians’ to give advice and yet… they have not clue. IN my situation, those who cousel me and those I listen too – have empathy….they have been where I have..fighting for a marriage…I believe your story is going to help many. For the longest time, I was a bit mad at God for not answering my prayers — I was doing all I could to save our marriage…HE wasn’t. Anyway – I think you can relate…it wasn’t until I really allowed God to show me that HE just may allow a divorce… to get my attention and the attention of my man…. we are not where we were … not where HE wants us to be yet… but we are in the process..thank you for sharing your heart. YOu really ministered to me – a lot!!
Elisabeth,
I found your blog via your (in)courage post this morning. I just have to say Wow and thank you. I wrote a post last week on my blog about listening to the Voice That Matters and this post reminded me of that. I love your honesty! I am going to really enjoy exploring your blog.
I wish I could talk to you face to face because I have so much to say to you as a woman who has been wounded so much by the words of others…and also to give you a big hug for your courageousness in the face of persecution. I read a wonderful post yesterday by Matthew Barnett, founder of The Dream Center, entitled Obliterate Shame. I think those people who spewed such ugly words to you should read it. Shame serves no purpose.
So well said Beth. We can only judge actions and not the heart. Sadly, actions don’t always reflect the heart, for good or evil. More damage can so easily be done to those already wounded. So sorry for your pain, it is brutal. I love the picture of only speaking words that you would speak in front of Jesus. All praise to the only One who can see our hearts and longs to see healing and wholeness for those who belong to Him.
Thank you so much for reposting this. I am struggling through this very thing. Would appreciate prayers during this dark time.
Again, a very thoughtfully written post. And so timely for me. (God has perfect timing in all things) I am beginning to think that people in general, and church folks in particular have a million different opinions about divorce and what the Bible says about divorce. So far, I’ve asked 4 differernt pastors (oddly, all of the same denomination) and I’ve received 4 different answers. So that tells me no one really understands this. To remarry? No remarry? Reconcile only? WHO KNOWS? God knows!! I refuse to listen to anyone, smile politely when I get an unsolicited comment, and pray like crazy for direction! God will make His will plain to me when it is time.
Thank you for being such an instrument of healing in my life!
I wonder if we will ever be free, as Christians from feeling that it is appropriate to be so judgmental and unkind. I am so sorry for the words that people have sent to you I agree that it is far to easy to write such unkindness.
I was given a book just yesterday that was absolutely appalling. It actually said that Jesus was beaten and suffered horribly for us out of love and we need to love our husbands in that same way. It went on to say that if we cannot continue to serve our husbands in every way, even in the face of suffering, than our sin is greater than our husbands. This booklet is being give by a counseling center at a church I visited.
I am afraid that as long as this type of communication is out there for women to read there will continue to be Christian women who feel they have to live in abuse to honor God and there will be people with judgmental spirits. It is sad indeed.
The “church” is given so little regard in the world because it fails miserably in this most fundamental aspect:
“A new command I give to you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” — John 13: 34, 35
The following quote by Mahatma Gandhi, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” so encapsulates this post.
I was friendly with a young couple from my mainline denominational church in the 1980’s. Both were ordained ministers, having met in seminary. Both were the children of ministers. Yet they divorced.
As a young wife, married to a non-Christian, I really struggled with their divorce. I think that at times, those of us who are married to a non-Christian somehow expect Christian marriages to be on a higher plane. We think their love of Christ draws them together in a way that the unequally yoked, or non-Christians, can never understand. I know that fear was at the heart of my devastation over their failed marriage, as I wondered, “If there marriage doesn’t work, what hope is there for my marriage?”
Now after 33 years of marriage, I am also facing divorce. Fortunately I am surrounded by a loving and supportive circle of Christian friends who do not judge me. My current church even has a ministry specifically for “Women on Their Own”. And I am learning so much about depending on God, about listening to other’s pain, forgiving and deciding that I don’t want to be bitter. I try to honor Christ in this process because I still believe that I am the “face of Christ” to my husband and his unbelieving family.
But it frustrates me to read how spiteful and judgmental these individuals have been to you, Elizabeth. I am so encouraged by your honesty, your faithful walk, and your desire to help other women in the church. I do think the internet gives people “anonymity” — these people will spout off and say things that they would never say to your face. I also know of many fundamentalists who are so concerned with keeping the “letter of the law’ but they don’t have love….. and these are the “Christians” which Gandhi wrote about. And perhaps these critical ones are very fearful that there are cracks in their own marriages.
I love your posts – keep writing! You help me understand my own depression, admit my failures, and give me hope that Christ can redeem this situation and bring good out of my pain. Thank you!
Very powerful, very heartbreaking quote from Lynn by Mahatma Ghandi. I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me how the sin of divorce is so different and so much worse than every other sin. Is God okay with the sins committed in marriages that have led to these divorces? Is He okay with seeing men and women He loves, crying on their bathroom floors wanting their lives to end? Is He okay with lives unfulfilled in His purposes for them? Is broken marriage and divorce not forgivable by Him? Our heavenly Father hates sin, all sin. I certainly hope that I am not the only one who fails Him daily, despite my best efforts. Why are so many are willing to crucify those who are divorced and overlook the sins in others of pride, gluttony, selfishness, greed, lust, etc.?
I think we need to be careful about calling divorce a sin. It can be, but I am now divorced and did not sin while signing those papers. I believe my husband did, in filing. But the sin wasn’t the divorce, it was the selfishness of heart that said “I don’t care what happens or to whom, I want what I want.” I believe the reason God hates divorce is because of the pain it causes his people–all people–and the tearing of flesh that occurs. My sister over and over has told me that God loves me more than he hates divorce. To those people who were so mean to you, Elisabeth, how unhappy they must be trying to live up to “the letter,” and shaming others into it as well. Sounds like Pharisees to me.
Thank you for your steadfast words that comfort me. I, too, have been hurt by Christians that I thought were my friends. Judgment comes too easily for some. If I could ask one thing, I would ask fellow Christians to be careful in their words and actions. Only God knows our hurting hearts and what we are experiencing. We should love each other, in spite of our shortcomings.
This is so true and such a difficult part of our lives as separated/divorced ladies, due to abuse and addiction. The likes of which one who does not want to spew mud about the ex, in order to save face. The one verse that comes to mind is, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” Genesis 50:20.
And it is so true! I am so grateful for the FB page that I have found so much understanding and encouragement. If I did not have these loving sisters in Christ, I’d still be beating myself up and questioning my faith. Your help has given me hope and joy in Jesus, as I walk through a very dark place that I never dreamed I’d ever walk. Thank you Elisabeth for your loving heart and courage in standing strong in Christ’s unconditional love!
Thank you for opening your heart for all to “see”. Many years ago I encountered some of those same CHRISTians…..it was harsh, cruel, and life changing for me. I left the church and walked away for 4 years! It was difficult to manage life ALONE with a 14 month old! I am glad God never judged us and held us close to His heart.