When you first announce your separation in tiny little pieces, you are terrified. What will people think, say, do? Will there be judgment? How badly will it hurt?
Divorce comes in two waves of pain. The first wave is the obvious: your marriage has fallen apart and you are a broken mess. The second wave is what other people outside of you and your spouse think, say and do to you.
The first wave, I was totally prepared for. You say divorce, and people think pain. But the second wave…Lord, was I naïve. I had no idea what I was in for.
But today, I just got off the phone with someone who emailed me saying she needed to talk to me. I have not spoken to this person in probably over two or three years. This wasn’t a divorce-related absence, it was simply a case of acquaintances moving in and out of your little life circle through seasons and changes for both of you.
But she needed to talk, so I prayed and then braced myself. Because these days, when someone tells me they want to talk to me, it almost always means only one thing: she’s in a secretly bad marriage and she figures I won’t judge her and may even be able to guide her a bit.
This was not the case today. Because today, this person from my past needed to talk to me to tell me she was sorry. To be honest, I didn’t fully understand what she was specifically apologizing for at first, but I knew it had to do something with the fact that I was now divorced, and when we were more in each other’s lives, I was her women’s ministry director, and to quote her, “really poured into” her and then my divorce happened and then…
It wasn’t until the end of the phone call that I zeroed in on specifically what she was sorry for.
She said, “I’d like to send you a friend request on Facebook now, if that’s okay?”
“Of course,” I said, “you could’ve done that this whole time!”
She responded, “But I was all mad about what was going on, so…” (Bingo.)
And we said our goodbyes and hung up.
She was calling to apologize to me because she had been judging me all this time regarding my divorce. And she was mad at me about it. And she distanced herself. And didn’t check in with me to see how I was.
“Thank you for calling,” I had told her. “This means so much to me.” And it did.
Of the, I’m just guessing here, one to two hundred people that I would consider acquaintances, no one, and I mean no one, checked in with me during the year surrounding the news of my separation and divorce. No one. (My best friends, of course, took super good care of me, but that’s not who I’m talking about here.)
So, needless to say, to have this woman call me to apologize absolutely blew me away, for two reasons. The first is I realized there are probably more acquaintance-type people out there still to this day judging the crud out of me. I had to take that thought captive for Christ and throw it aside pretty quickly or I’d be in bed right now. But the second thought was this: humans truly can be capable of such deep goodness and remorse and grace and kindness and thoughtfulness and changes of heart. Her call will linger with me. Her words of I’m sorry while fighting back tears will heal something in me. She didn’t know it, but I plan to assign her in my mind as the representative of all of those people who didn’t check in with me to see how I was. I am letting them all off the hook because of her. I am pretending that she was calling on all of their behalf. And I will carry that with me in deep gratitude for a very long time. People mess up. But sometimes, we do something really, really good that can heal someone else.
I am experiencing that right now. I feel so isolated and alone. These people from my church and my small group helped make up for the absence of my own family. I moved to a new church but I have not made any connections yet. I wish the people that I care so deeply about cared about me too.
I am going through the aftermath myself. I am amazed at the people that are coming back into my life and choosing to stand with me. Some of these people I knew of or they worked for my ex and I totally pushed them away because I wanted no connection to anything connecting me with my ex. Daily healing and being able to say I am sorry to everyone is healing for me.
I’m so thankful you’ve received that gift, a true gift, and see it as such. What a blessing especially during this season of celebrating the gift of Jesus. I pray this seed of wholeness permeates and invades other secret corners of your heart. Illuminating maybe a hidden corner of hurt and pain, maybe not yet even acknowledged or understood. Thank you for sharing this with us. It is one of those stories of love and grace that needs to be heard. I can only imagine the freedom it has brought you … but her also! God is so clever like that!
That is really special, a gift!
As God processes us through our pain, yes to learning who our true friends are. And then God brings others back into your life after the fact, and you are given this great opportunity to extend the cross back to them….the same cross that has been extended to us…
Yes, allowing them to save face(allowing them off the hook) is total forgiven….as I have learned total forgiveness is a “life sentence”….as stated by Dr. R. T. Kendall…Total Forgiveness…
May the flesh be so crucified within us that God shines so brightly within us, through us and into the uttermost parts of the world…The Great Commission…Matt 28:19-20…Acts 1:8
Blessings in Christ…..
I went through the same experience. Very few stayed by me and I knew hundreds as you did, because I was their Bible study leader for 7 years. Now, I am remarried, divorce happened four years ago and slowly some are easing back into my life. Many did not know what to do even though they understood why i filed – and I had Biblical grounds.
But some encouraged me to stay no matter what……..and I did not feel the Lord was leading me to do that.
I’ve been thinking about this the last few weeks…I’m still very angry at one “friend”. Her daughter died in a car accident almost 3 years before my marriage broke up and I did my best to be a very good friend, calling her, listening to her talk about Rachel, sending cards every week, then every month, texting often. She worked one day a week at a church in the town I used to live by and for MONTHS I stopped by on her work day, sometimes talking for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour or more. In the month or so before I found the fateful text message, we were in a book club together so I saw her twice a week. Every.Single. Week. For months.
After I found *the* text message I basically dropped out of life, stopped going to book club, stopped visiting her at work on Fridays (don’t worry, she did work while I was there and the pastor and others knew I stopped by and she got her work done–I often helped stuff envelopes!). Here’s the part that hurt, and still hurts…she did NOT contact me for 11 weeks. Eleven weeks. After seeing me at least once a week for months, in ELEVEN WEEKS she did not call, text, email, message me on FB, or even wonder what happened. I finally got in touch with her in a mass e-mail I sent to friends AFTER I HAD MOVED.
I am excusing her behavior because she’s still very much grieving the death of her daughter and I feel so guilty even being upset at her. I kept in touch and called, sent cards, etc. because I truly wanted to, not because I expected anything back. But obviously I still am. I still e-mail…maybe one in 10 of her emails asks a question about me. The rest are complaints about…well, every aspect of her life. Why do I hang on? Guess because I feel guilty about being upset and I truly, truly hope I am giving her some sort of comfort (her parents have both died and her siblings, husband, and in-laws won’t talk about or let her talk about Rachel).
And…the friends, the new friends that I have now, in my new town, they are the ones that check up on me, the ones I can talk to, the ones I know I can call. It’s sad to think of the people I used to know…but I’m so very thankful that I have TRUE friends now.
I am so glad, Elisabeth, that you have some closure and healing. I have not had one friend (from my old life) check in or apologize…I’m choosing to feel blessed because I have new, true friends.
Guess I still have some work to do.
I am going to make a confession here! I was kinda one of the friends who stopped calling. Not because I didn’t see my friends reason for leaving but because I was jealous!!! I thought, “if I am staying with all the real (sexual) abuse I am going through, and I keep forgiving, how can she just up and leave because he ……” WRONG! I know! I was wrong!! I didn’t stop calling for long. But I know it hurt her. After several months, I realize the worst months for her, I called and confessed! I confessed my judgment and my jealousy. We both cried! I truly loved this friend, but I had told NO ONE about my husbands sexual patterns and at that point I began to open up to her. We have not lived in the same state for over 7 years but she is still one of those people that when we can talk or visit we pick up right were we left off. 🙂
It took me 7 after her divorce years before I found the courage to file for divorce from my husband (2 years ago now)! This friend was one of the first people I called and she was gracious and loving and kind through it all!! (Tears!!).
When I was in counseling during the divorce my counselor said “you will loose church friends over this, some will just not understand, some will be jealous”. That I knew already!!