Okay, this implies I’m up on anyone’s pedestal, which is pretty brazen of me to assume. I’d be shocked if I were, honestly, but I feel I need to say a few things.
I’m a mess.
Seriously, you have no idea.
I cannot say in all integrity, as Paul did, to follow me as I follow Christ. I could list off a few of my friends that you could follow as they follow Christ, but I cannot say that about myself.
I’m not talking about how sinful I am. Though I am.
And I’m not talking about all my little quirks that I have a feeling would be tres annoying to live with. Though there are plenty.
I am talking about one very specific issue in my life: my broken relationships.
Because there are a lot of them. What feels like more than the average person.
Human/sinner + female/relational + introvert/shy + dysfunctional/baggage + divorced/needy + sarcastic/unfiltered = messy, messy, messy.
Carnage, so it seems, everywhere I go.
I know of several people (and I’m using the word several conservatively) who do not like me, are angry with me, have hatred toward me, are disappointed in me, and/or have placed a boundary up to protect themselves from me.
This makes me feel ever-so-slightly nauseous at the mere mention of any of their names no matter how much time goes by.
In some cases, some people don’t agree with the reality that I’m divorced, and that’s pretty much it. I can’t get un-divorced, so there’s nothing I can do there.
In other cases, the people who don’t like me are reacting to my new and uncomfortable attempts (uncomfortable for both of us) to live in more healthy ways with clearer boundaries.
And in yet other situations, I have just plain messed up by being mean.
In this moment, there is not one more thing I can do to attempt to repair these relationships. We’ve just had to walk away from each other, even as Christians. (I find a small piece of comfort that Paul and Barnabas – both godly men wanting to serve Jesus – had to part ways in the book of Acts.)
But you need to know this about me. Because I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got my act together. Or that now that I’m divorced, that all my un-health is behind me. Umm, no. Not by a long shot.
But here’s my consolation as I drag around shame with me like Linus and his dirty little blanket. Everyone has difficult people in their lives. And, gulp, everyone is someone’s difficult person. This is life outside of the Garden of Eden. This is life until Jesus restores everything and everyone. It’s hard and it’s sad and it’s messy and it’s so painful and it’s embarrassing and you mess up and I mess up and we’re human and that’s life.
But then there’s grace. And then there’s Jesus. And we can say we’re sorry. And we can lay it all down and try to do just a bit better today than we did yesterday. And we can move on. We absolutely have to move on. I am moving on.
Another ‘wow’ moment. Thank you for sharing my thoughts for me! I can stop taking the energy to write now because you do it so much better. Keeping this one as a favorite to re-read. May the Lord bless your boldness and honesty.
I’m also a mess. Literally. A slob. When I heard Sandra Felton (the founder of Messies Anonymous) describing life with a messie, I thought she had somehow accidentally gotten into MY house, it was so much the same. Cans/jars of pens and pencils, some of which don’t work at all. Stacks of newspaper, stacks of magazines. Piles hidden behind the couch, piles beside the couch, piles on the couch, piles everywhere. I am a queen of clutter, and as my harshest crtics sould say, a hoarder.
In self-defense, I have to say a few things. I AM saving for a rainy day. I have had enough rainy days ti be afraid of the next one. And I cannot afford some of the handiest organizers, the ones that would be just right for the job. SO, I have to improvise organizers from upcycled trash and garage sale finds. It seems every time I think I’m getting ahead, there’s another rainy day.
I also want to say that in my youth, I had many of my possessions stolen to feed the trash barrel. My favorite book was ragged from much use. like the Velveteen Rabbit, and my step-mother decided it was too untidly to keep, that surely I didn’t want anything that liked as bad as that book did. (It was even more worn out than my Bible, which had been made to survive much use. I eventually replaced my Bible, but I never could replace Fifty Famous Fairy Tales, which served me as a sort of secular proverbs, a source of comparisons for things and events that bothered or pleased me.) Whenever someone wants to come between me and my stuff, it is like an attack on me, a threat to shred my personality and my right to free speech and free expression.
I am also creative, doing some rather cute things with my saved up “junk.” I
I’m also a mess. Literally. A slob. When I heard Sandra Felton (the founder of Messies Anonymous) describing life with a messie, I thought she had somehow accidentally gotten into MY house, it was so much the same. Cans/jars of pens and pencils, some of which don’t work at all. Stacks of newspaper, stacks of magazines. Piles hidden behind the couch, piles beside the couch, piles on the couch, piles everywhere. I am a queen of clutter, and as my harshest crtics sould say, a hoarder.
In self-defense, I have to say a few things. I AM saving for a rainy day. I have had enough rainy days ti be afraid of the next one. And I cannot afford some of the handiest organizers, the ones that would be just right for the job. SO, I have to improvise organizers from upcycled trash and garage sale finds. It seems every time I think I’m getting ahead, there’s another rainy day.
I also want to say that in my youth, I had many of my possessions stolen to feed the trash barrel. My favorite book was ragged from much use. like the Velveteen Rabbit, and my step-mother decided it was too untidly to keep, that surely I didn’t want anything that liked as bad as that book did. (It was even more worn out than my Bible, which had been made to survive much use. I eventually replaced my Bible, but I never could replace Fifty Famous Fairy Tales, which served me as a sort of secular proverbs, a source of comparisons for things and events that bothered or pleased me.) Whenever someone wants to come between me and my stuff, it is like an attack on me, a threat to shred my personality and my right to free speech and free expression.
I am also creative, doing some rather cute things with my saved up “junk.” I am very thrifty, finding ways to spend much less on groceries than in many average households.
What honest, raw words. My heart breaks for the hurt. Yet, I also smile, because I know that you have an amazing platform. God is blessing it and it shows in the opposition. To look back even over the last 2 months (since I ‘met’ you) and see the doors that are opening. You are shedding light in the dark areas that have not been really exposed yet. I am so thankful that you are making one of your ‘missions’ to reach the pastors and how to help them and the church come alongside those in similar situations. Just because it is a Christian marriage does not mean there is not strife and struggles and lots of pain. As you said, we are all sinners.
(I often wonder if there is a male counterpart to what you offer for those men who find themselves on the ‘victim’ end…)
Thank you so much for your honesty. Why, after so much evidence to the contrary, do people look for perfection from somebody, anybody? And why do people still get put on pedestals anyway? It Is so ridiculous really since everyone falls off .
I ache for you. You have put yourself and your struggles out there for all to see and you have helped more people than you will ever know. But the person at the front of the line is the easiest to shoot at.
I fell off someone’s pedestal this week too. The result was a very painful, caustic session-so I can only marvel how similar our struggles are and yet how faithful our dear Father is to come and bandage our wounds, comfort us and build us back up as His dear children.
Don’t give up. We are not what we want to be but we are not what we were-
Wow, Elizabeth. Thank you. I needed to read this today. It’s also nice to know that I’m not alone. I too am a mess. I too have created my share of relational messes. Linus is Mr. Clean compared to how I feel most days about myself. This post reminds me of one I wrote about pedestals as well that I thought you would enjoy. (http://rodarters.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/the-problem-with-pedestals/). Thank you for writing! Thank you for your transparency! It is much needed and encourages the other messes out there. You are not alone.