I lie on my bathroom floor for the thousandth time, with every last tear I owned falling out of me yet again. All energy, all strength gone. I felt done. Again. Still. And then I heard these words…soft, gentle, almost imperceptible:
Release is coming.
It’s going to get harder before it gets better.
Eyes on Me, baby.
I gasped as I sat up. I had never heard words like that before. I had heard things like:
You are precious and honored in my sight.
and
I love you even though he doesn’t.
But never words like these. Never, ever words of release. Never, ever words so scandalous. Never, ever, up to that point, so completely what I needed to hear to attempt to go on.
I ran those words over and over in my mind. I had been told that any time I thought I felt the Spirit impress a thought upon my heart, I needed to test it against Scripture, and release – despite the deep, dark pain of my marriage – just didn’t seem to gel with my then-view of divorce (being, mainly, that I had no way out but death).
And yet, it was very like God to do something to buoy me up. And it was very like God to lovingly warn me.
I was also told to be careful that you aren’t just making up what you want to hear. But, in this instance, who would want to hear that her life was about to get much harder? That just didn’t seem like a sentence I would make up to appease myself.
And, eyes on Me, baby. That was not the first time I felt him call me baby. That had become a more frequent nickname between the two of us. And how true to his character to remind me – in the middle of all that was coming – to keep my laser focus on him, let alone to use this most precious of names with me.
This sounded very much like God to me. And yet, I didn’t “claim” this as a promise over my life. (I didn’t dare.) In fact, I squared my shoulders to prepare for the harder that was coming. And I renewed my commitment to looking God full in the face no matter how horrible things got.
But I tucked release is coming into the far corners of my mind, only pulling it out and mulling it over in my most desperate moments.
All of these things came to pass for me, within a matter of a year or so. I kept my eyes on God during my reconciliation attempt, perhaps in a way I had never done before. And it got so very much harder than I ever expected…lies and disappointments and heartbreak and humiliation and threats and fear…it was – looking back – the worst stretch of my life to date. But release did come. And I am so grateful that my path took the turns that it did that brought me to this place of peace.
If you feel like God is saying something to you, test it. Does it line up with Scripture? Ask a trusted friend what they think. And then if it does, hold onto it like a treasure, with all of your strength.
Oh Elisabeth, how I needed this right now at this moment. Will you join me in praying for my family? I am headed to seek “counsel” today. Terrified, but hopeful.
Jesus, I lift Anne and her family to you right now. You see them. You know the details. You love them. Please fight for them. Give Anne peace and strength and courage today. Amen.
Soi grateful to be part of your group. Just ordered your book off of Amazon, looking forward to reading about your journey as mine has just begun. So sad to be walking down this road but hopeful that God has not forgotten me and my kids. Believing that he is a God of miracles and that he cares for me, my STBX husband and our kids more than I can imagine. Praying this scripture today: Psalms 18: 16-19 16
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
He has absolutely not forgotten you or your children, Julie. Keep walking, my friend.
Elizabeth,
I didn’t learn what that “release” was until about 7 months into my separation. It was the release that allowed me to file for divorce. Now, another year and a half has passed, my divorce was final the past April, and now I’m am asking God to verify His “release” again. He’s been pretty much throwing His love notes into my life like so much snow….sermons, books, blog posts, you name it….affirming that I have been delivered by His hand and to go forward and live my life in service to Him. HE is enough. We sing as song at church and the chorus states “Christ is enough for me.” and everytime I sing those words tears of gratefullness just pour from my eyes and heart. I’m not sure what God is doing entirely, but I do know beyond every doubt that He is transfoming me into His servant. I know He loves me. I know He is faithful to provide and lead. He is so AWESOME!!
The healing is a process, one not to be rushed. God’s timing is perfect.
Thanks so much for this post!!
wow – well stated and written.
Loved it.
Michelle