I’m looking back on one of my most painful years, with more goodbyes than I’ve ever said. I’ve not only said goodbye to my marriage, but I’ve also said goodbye to my church of nineteen years, which includes countless people and memories. And in doing so, I am saying goodbye to how I look at things. I am saying goodbye to what I’ve known for most of my adulthood, saying goodbye to the security of doing what I’ve always done, saying goodbye to the place I thought I’d be a part of forever.
But as I say all these goodbyes and let go of so much – some moments it feels like too much all at one time – I am looking back with such fondness, such gratefulness. I’m a sentimental girl…perhaps too sentimental. I have been replaying moments of the past nineteen years as if I’m watching a black and white movie. Baptisms and events and sweet times of prayer and worship and tears of joy and figuring out my spiritual gifts and making lifetime friends. And yet, so many, many hard moments as well. So many people I’ve hurt along the way with my rough edges and selfish words.
In part, I have so many regrets, but then I must remember that God was in it all, he saw it all unfold. All of it, every relationship, every memory, every misstep.
So for now, I just have to lay it all down. I am one grateful girl to have walked my faith journey in the same community for so long, but for now, I need to be somewhere else if I’m going to heal. I don’t fully understand why, and it breaks my heart that staying isn’t part of the plan for me, but it’s not. I need to heal somewhere else.
What this means for my future is uncertain. I don’t know if I’ll be going back. If I just need to heal and strengthen in the walls of another place where I am not known as someone’s ex-wife and then I will head back to my second home, or if I’m leaving for good.
And I don’t know where I’ll end up yet, which totally terrifies me. And I’ve never chosen a church on my own. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking for, and I don’t have the emotional energy to make new friends, and I hate small talk, and how do I go about telling my really hard, messy story to someone new as I start all over?
But I don’t need to know the answers to any of those things today. So I have a spreadsheet in Excel to track the churches I’m visiting (yes, don’t be jealous or shocked). And then I’ve got Jesus. And I’m asking him to lead me. And I’m asking him where he wants me to go. And I’m asking for peace in the mourning. And I’m asking him to keep my mouth shut for a good six months so I don’t get myself into trouble in the new place.
And I’m asking for grace, just lots and lots of grace.
But now, for a brief moment, the LORD our God has been gracious in leavingus a remnant and giving us a firm place in his sanctuary, and so our God gives light to our eyes and a little relief…Ezra 9:8 (NIV)
God bless you as you search for a new church home, Elisabeth! Thank you again for sharing.
I wish you could come to Quest community church in Lexington ky, we would love to have to have your gift of relating to the broken and the in process of redemption 🙂 April Murray
I have tried 2 times to post this!! Now on my computer so maybe it will work. I have been advised by my sister in law and brother who live in a big city and she is on staff with a Mega Church. She has seen women go through divorce and leave. She feels there is not a good place for them and that is why they leave. What a sad commentary on the church. I have to get past selling my house and satisfying the IRS before I can really move forward, but the things that have been helpful along with the people being helpful seem to be because I am part of this small town. My church is intentional, contemporary and trying to reach out to many people. It is large for the size of the town and “cutting edge” … we will see how it goes. I am going myself a year after I get into a rent house (I will have a lease) to see if I can live here and stay. If not, I will have to go to the next neighboring town because my business is here and I literally cannot reproduce it in a large city. I would work for someone else and right now that seems to be counterproductive for me. I grieve for your loss and I grieve for the many women facing this same decision.
Jan Ward
God bless you Elisabeth!! God’s grace will lead you…thank God it is a faithful thing to rely on.
Jenny
Elizabeth, you are so right that the Lord will direct your paths. I did the same after being at one church for 20 years, being involved in women’s ministry and being asked to step down from leading a Bible study for 7 years and being part of the Women’s Ministries team, when I filed for a divorce on biblical grounds.
The Lord led me to another congregation where I have now been a member for 3 years and my children and my new husband and I are very involved. We are thriving and making new friends and I do have a few “old” friends from my days at the other church.
I prayed that the Holy Spirit would help me in what to say and not to say and am happy to say that I kept my mouth quiet much of the time 🙂
Yes, it is a loss, just another loss that we need to grieve through and the Lord continues to be faithful and open up new ministries.
Praying for you………
Praying for you. The Body of Christ is worldwide, international, and of many different communities. Sometimes we are moved elsewhere to heal, and also to bring hope and encouragement to another group of believers. You are precious and dearly treasured by our Father!
Well , You actually did super decision , I waited so long in my old possession and thought It could help me . But I slowly lost what I thought I had after my divorce. Oh it is a painful experience beyond expression. I am now all alone with my daughter in secluded place god prepared for us. Yes it is only taking me and my partner my lord to raise my child instead of a village and I found it to be much better than everything I went through in my life . Off course I could not find any church or a friend for that matter: so my eyes are only on my Lord!