Questions (from Facebook community): “Is it wrong for me to want to date?” and “How long should I give it till I start dating again?”
It is absolutely not wrong to want to date. We are created to be in partnership, to live in close community, and we are having to lay down what we’ve been used to for years – living out our daily lives with another person. We are alone perhaps for the first time as adults. And there is a certain kind of loneliness that can accompany this season that can only be satisfied by finding another partner. So, no, it is not wrong to want to date.
However, depending on where you are on the separation and divorce spectrum, it could be wrong to date.
(I feel like the Apostle Paul here where he’d say, “This is I, not the Lord…” There aren’t really any set dating rules in the Bible, per se, so these are my best guesses at what would be appropriate.)
If you are separated, legally or informally, you should not be dating. Why? Because you are still married. Period. End of discussion. And in my view, you shouldn’t even be talking on the phone (repeatedly), texting someone (a lot), or meeting alone with someone of the opposite sex for social reasons because it’s inappropriate, it’s dishonoring to the person you are still married to, and because if you find yourself depending on someone emotionally or your heart moving towards them (even if there is no physical intimacy), it can be dangerous and it is considered unfaithfulness. (Matthew 5:28) Imagine discovering your estranged spouse has been in contsant contact with someone of the opposite sex throughout your separation – while you were supposed to be attempting reconciliation. Devastating, I bet. Don’t be that person. Take the high road and limit contact with the opposite sex while still legally married. You won’t regret being able to hold your head high with a clear conscience.
If you are recently divorced, you should not be dating. (Again, I, not the Lord…) I’ve quoted this research before but I think it holds true (and easy for me to say, I’ve only been divorced for two months!) but a good rule of thumb is to steer clear of starting a new romantic relationship for one year per every four you were married. That can seem excessive, which I can see. So, I think a solid amount of time before jumping into something new is two years. The reason behind this is really simple: your primary relationship has just died and you need time to grieve, reflect, make changes, and heal. That can’t be done in a matter of months, and I don’t believe it can be done free and clear if your heart and mind is becoming entangled with someone new. Plus, the odds of repeating your same mistakes or choosing the same type of partner are infinitely higher the less time you allow to go by.
Now I’m moving into something that is one hundred percent my opinion. I believe if you are the recipient of an unsought divorce or you are the initiator of a divorce with biblical grounds (see http://elisabethcorcoran.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-stance-on-divorce-yep-im-going-there.html), you are free to date and to remarry. However, I believe that if you left your marriage without biblical grounds, you should not. I also believe you should make sure that reconciliation is no longer possible before moving forward.
Asking a few friends that you trust and that know you well is a good place to start. Ask them if they think you’re ready, if you’ve processed your divorce well, and if you’ve healed enough to make better choices. But when it all comes down, though, only you and God can truly know when you are ready.
Until then, pursue God wholeheartedly. Ask him to bring you healing. Ask him for his companionship. Ask him to remind you of his presence that never leaves you. Ask him to reveal his love for you in intimate ways. Ask him to protect you from making poor choices with who you spend your time with. Ask him to keep prospective partners at bay until he believes you’re ready. Then ask him to bring you someone who will treat you well, who you can support and respect.
“Today I choose you, {God,} and I choose you happily. Even if I never find anyone in the amoeba-like mass of Christian singles. I would rather be alone with you than spiritually alone.” -Susan E. Isaacs-
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Hi Elizabeth:
I love your very godly advice – as a DivorceCare facilitator now, I wished I would have read your blog before embarking on some fateful dating relationships before I was ready.
It does take a lot of time to heal from divorce, and the Lord creates beauty out of ashes, as both of us can attest to. I have always felt that if this is what it took for me to follow the Lord much more closely – and actually be desperate for him, then my divorce and the subsequent pain was all worth it.
Blessings to you dear sister in Christ,
Brenda
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Elisabeth, I also have another thought: if you have children (which many of us do) the decisions should no longer hinge on us alone. Before kids, the choice to pursue marriage is basically about you and the Lord. that’s it. After kids, you’ve made a decision to bring other people into the mix. Now, don’t get me wrong–I don’t mean you should decide based on if your kids *want* you to date or not. But rather, whether you think it’s in their *best interest* for you to date. It sounds tragic to think you should start dating because of your kids, but it may not be best for them for you to pursue a new relationship yet. I can think of many reasons: it could inhibit their healing, it might spark bitterness, it could be “exasperating” to them (Eph 6:4), or it could simply divide your time and attention during a season when your kids still really, really need it. Remember, in divorce, both you *and* your spouse have wounded your children, so you have to take them time needed to do triage and healing with them. And starting dating too soon (or at the wrong time–onset of puberty, at the same time as a big move, etc.) could disrupt that healing process. Bottom line? I think if you have kids, you are obligated to consider their interests too, since they didn’t ask to be where they are.
p.s. My “you” is the general “you” and includes myself! I have 4 kids, one of whom is approaching puberty, and i don’t see dating happenning any time soon 😉
This post says so much and i agree with it all. I am male, and unfortunately my D is around the same time as Elizabeths. I fought hard for almost 14 months and still am fighting for my family. I am told i wouldnt have a problem finding someone knew. I struggle, alot, i go through the same emotions we all do as during this season, i have finally became in touch with my feelings that have been stuffed away for so long. I have attened a few divorce care groups, but they seemed to be promoting meeting up between the participants, which i didnt agree with.
Thank you all for sharing, and blessings to you all….