I’m making stupid choices. I’m making mistakes. I’m talking too much. I’m not saying enough.
Today I wanted to stay in bed. But I couldn’t. I needed to fulfill a commitment I made to teach a class at the local shelter. Here’s where it gets funny or good or what-have-you.
It was brought to my attention that I had done something wrong. It was handled graciously but I still felt like a little girl who was sent to the principal’s office (and keep in mind, I was never sent to the principal’s office, so I was imagining how ashamed I would’ve felt). I just felt embarrassed and immature. I apologized. I was forgiven. But still, it was just hanging there. Thus, the wanting to stay in bed all day.
But I made myself keep my commitment and I drove downtown and I got out of my car, telling Jesus, “I really don’t want to do this. You know I don’t want to be here. You know I’m just messing everything up. You’re going to have to do all the talking.” He smiled. (I’m guessing.)
I walked in, sat down with seven women, and we got started. Our topic: forgiveness. Yep. I talked about when we have to ask for it if we’ve messed up. I talked about extending it even when we don’t want to. And I talked about experiencing it even when we don’t feel like it. I asked questions; they shared their hearts. I saw their wounds a bit more clearly. We are all just hurting women trying to figure out this life, trying to find God in all of it.
I prayed for them, totally lumping myself in with them, that we’d say we’re sorry when we need to, that we’d forgive the people who have hurt us, that we’d completely get it that when God looks at our hearts, he sees Christ and not all of our messes.
On the way out, one of the girls invited me to her graduation from the program. I gave her a hug, told her I was so proud of her, and headed out. I’m not sure I can go, but even in that…even in her walking up to me, calling me by my name, and asking me to be there…because she already feels like she knows me a bit in these weeks we’ve spent together, and she already believes I care about her…that’s something. That’s me doing something kinda right in the middle of the all the rest.
I still sort of want to shake off this day, this week, my choices, this life, but I’ve been reminded that I’m forgiven and I’m seen and I’m safe and I’m loved. So I’ll just keep going.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16
HE takes delight in you and your service! HE loves you more than I do… impossible to fathom, but truth regardless!
Elizabeth…I have been having one of those weeks too. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who has these days. I have been trying to shed my masks but sometimes it is hard when you “feel” like others are still speaking to you and condemning you behind their masks. So, thank you!
A beautiful post–I appreciate your honesty …