Welcome to the new-ish format of my blog. Once a month, I’ll be sharing both something I’ve newly written and one of my most-read posts from the past dozen years. Hope you enjoy! –Elisabeth

NEW POST: All’s Quiet

I’ve been trying to walk with, follow, obey, love, something Jesus since I was fifteen. That’s a long, long time.

I’ve done this by going to church; having what I call a quiet time pretty much every morning for as long as I can remember (which entails journaling what I’m feeling, reading some Scripture – usually a Psalm or Proverb, something from the Gospels, and another something from a New Testament book, along with praying for my husband and children, and reading a devotion and my three AlAnon daily readers); starting my morning with putting worship on in the kitchen; praying through John Eldredge’s pause app while I stretch; listening to Christian podcasts; serving; giving; trying to be a loving person to the people in my life; praying with my husband before we fall asleep each night; and talking to Jesus throughout my day; give or take.

And like I said, I’ve been doing this for a long…long…long time.

At the time of this writing, I’ve been away at my favorite place (other than my home) for many days. I typically come to this place with some plans in mind: I’m going to get this project done and that thing recorded and I’m going to spend some time in prayer/journaling over this situation or this relationship.

But this time I came with pretty much nothing in mind. (I’ve still gotten quite a bit done, don’t get me wrong, and I’m grateful.)

But there’ve been no revelations.
No new marching orders.
Not even with me repeatedly asking, “ummm…what do You want me to do with my life now? what do I want to do with my life now?”
Nothing.

In fact, it’s been quiet.
I’m hearing nothing.

Yes, I’m reading Scripture every morning and I’m going on walks and I’m asking Him to speak and it’s very peaceful and very quiet here.

And I’m hearing nothing from Him.

And here’s where I get super honest: it’s been a very long time since I have heard anything from Him.

Have I seen answers to prayers? Sure.
Have I felt protected? Yeah.
Have I watched things go a way I didn’t think they could go but only went that way because – more than likely – the LORD? Mm-hmm.

AND…

Though I believe we can hear from God through Scripture and the wise counsel of others and teaching and circumstances, I’ve also believed for a couple decades that we can hear the voice of the LORD in our hearts.

I’ve believed it because I’ve experienced it.

But I haven’t experienced it in a very long while.

And it’s not like my life is too busy or noisy. Empty-nester, remember? Also, alone for days and days right now, remember?

I don’t think I’m in some deep sin…I feel like I’d know, she says sheepishly…I’ve asked if that’s it…if there’s some blocking somewhere.

And we hear the shame-filled statement (which I literally heard in an online church sermon yesterday), “that if God feels far away, it’s because you moved not Him”. kthanks

I haven’t walked away…I haven’t moved. I’m still trying to walk closely. You know, as closely as you can to someone you can’t see or feel or…hear.

And I’m not going to.

Because to quote Peter in John 6:68: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

I have nowhere else to go.
I have no better ideas than this one idea I’ve hung my entire life on: that God is real and Jesus loves me and is with me and will always love me and will always be with me.

In many Psalms, David presents a woe-is-me issue and it gets dark and honest and then he brings it on home with some revelation and praise of a God he knows is there because He showed up.

I’m not there yet.
It’s just quiet.

I keep asking for his voice, for guidance, for what’s next, for anything.
And I’m hearing nothing.

And I guess that’s okay. I’ve been doing this thing long enough to know that I’ve had stretches like this before – that this life of faith is a long obedience in the same direction (thank you, Eugene Peterson).

I’m not switching directions now.

So I’ll keep walking. And asking. And waiting.

Until one day, I’ll hear.

REPOST: You Can Be in an Abusive Marriage & Not Know It

I think most people think of abused women as mousy, as cowards, with black eyes hidden under thick make-up, as – as harsh as this sounds – fools or, worse yet, just plain idiots.

Because who would willingly stay in an abusive marriage? What kind of woman wouldn’t be strong enough to do what she’d need to do to get herself out of something like that?  You just leave. How hard can it be??

Right?

I was told, after my marriage was over and I started sharing some details, things like, “I must be stronger and more independent than you, I never would’ve lived with that.”

Sigh.

There are so many things wrong with those perceptions, I almost don’t know where to begin.

But I’ll start with this: abuse is not just a black eye. Trust me, it’s so much more than that.

In fact, take a look at this. It’s called the Abuse Wheel of Power & Control.

It’s stunning, isn’t it?  Not as in beautiful but as in, you should be stunned by what is really considered abuse. It is words and actions and mind games and sickness incarnate.  Abuse is anytime another person tries to exert his or her power over you. We all abuse each other from time to time, but what I am talking about here is a consistent pattern of abuse between one spouse over another.

So, abuse is more than just physical, bottom line.  All of you who have never been abused who think you know what an abused wife looks like, you don’t. She could be your quirky neighbor, your kid’s ultra-competent teacher, your serving-all-the-time pastor’s wife, your strong-willed women’s ministry director.  So, get that mousy, weak image out of your head.

But then switching to the actual woman in a hard marriage who just thinks her marriage is hard and she needs to keep sucking it up and trying harder.

Let me be clear, sweet one: you can be in an abusive marriage and never once been hit.

When I posted the abuse wheel image in my private Facebook group, here is what one gal said:

“Wow. My husband has done most of these things to me. Funny thing is as I have read other postings here I have thought, ‘oh, my marriage isn’t that bad’. But this really opened my eyes and broke my heart.”

Some of us think – and have thought for years – that we are just bad wives. That if we were better wives – or better humans – we wouldn’t have to be told what to do, how to load the dishwasher, how to pay the bills, what groceries to buy and where, when to take the kids to the doctor. That if we were better wives – or better humans – we wouldn’t be called names, threatened through clenched teeth, been intimidated, frightened, told we were worthless.

But, honey, this isn’t about you.

This is about your husband.

And if he speaks to you like this on a regular basis, if he hurts you physically, if he forces you to have sex, if he uses the kids as leverage, if he makes you feel like you’re nothing, if he hides things from you, if he lies to you, if he makes you think you’re crazy because he says he’s not drinking while holding a drink in his hands, he needs help. 

You do too.  You need to set up boundaries or get away or get into counseling, or all of the above.

But you are the victim.  He is the perpetrator.

And the real masters in this game of abuse are so good at what they do that they leave their victims not even realizing they are being abused, sometimes for years and years and years.

You absolutely can be in an abusive marriage and have no idea that you are.

And if you think this might be you…if you are looking at that wheel and at that list and you are blown away like my friend was, there is help.

Here’s what you need to do:

If it’s physical or sexual abuse, towards you or your children, you need to set up a safety plan and you need to find a place to stay until you can all get help.  Yes, I am suggesting you leave your husband to get safe.  (Not divorce…not yet…first things first.)

If it’s any of the other kinds of abuse, you need to get into counseling and you need to tell someone in church leadership who you trust.

And regardless of the kind of abuse, you need to show yourself grace. Because you’re going to be reeling for a little while as this all sinks in, and you might start emotionally beating yourself up for not recognizing it sooner or getting help earlier or what-have-you, but just stop.  Right now, just stop.

Close your eyes.  Take a few deep breaths.  This isn’t about you or how good or bad of a person you are.  This is about your husband not being well and needing to get help.  You are precious in the sight of God. You are none of the bad things your husband has said you are.  It will take a while to come to terms with that…healing from years of abuse – especially when you didn’t realize abuse was what you’ve been taking in – takes time. Lots and lots of time.  And gentleness.  And outside help.

But you can and will get stronger. You can and will begin to see more clearly. You can and will know what your next step is. You can and will get to a place of not needing as much outside counsel to figure out your next steps. You can and will heal.

You’re going to be okay. You may not feel like it right now, but it is all going to be okay.

Whoever lives under the shelter of the Most High will remain in the shadow of the Almighty. -Psalm 91:1

 

FREE (OR SUPER AFFORDABLE) RESOURCES:

wholeness help:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*Facebook group for all women: https://elisabethklein.com/join-wholehearted-group/
*top 10 tips for taking care of you: https://elisabethklein.com/top-ten-tips/
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in a difficult marriage?
*if you’re not safe or if you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, please set up a safety plan (http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf) and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
*Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage e-book: https://elisabethklein.com/books
*14-Day Marriage Challenge: https://elisabethklein.com/marriage-challenge-2/
*my 3-month e-course, Marriage Methods (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/marriage-methods-pwyc
*if you’re in a difficult marriage with biblical grounds to divorce and you’re trying to decide whether to stay or go: my 5-week e-course, Decision Time (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/PAY-WHAT-YOU-WANT-FOR-ALMOST-EVERYTHING

separated or divorced or single mom?
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
*Lies We Tell Ourselves webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/lies-we-tell/
*Surviving as a Christian Single Mom: www.elisabethklein.com/books
*my 3-month e-course, Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc
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