Welcome to the new format of my blog. Once a month, I’ll be sharing both something I’ve newly written and one of my most-read posts from the past dozen years. Hope you enjoy this format! –Elisabeth

NEW POST: Living at Peace with Everyone Includes Ourselves

Within two weeks, I heard some horrible news about someone I used to know; I reached out to another person I barely knew a long time ago; I confronted another person I hardly know; and I’ve been thinking about someone I used to be in relationship with who has hurt me deeply.

These are people who either used to be in my life or are in the life of someone close to me.
These are people who have hurt me or someone I love deeply, or both.
These are people I’ve had to forgive.
These are people I am not in relationship with now.
And these are people who matter to God.

I wish there were a thing…a word…a concept…where when you were in a relationship with someone for a time and something went badly and it ended but you have forgiven (and you have hopefully been forgiven, but this is not up to you) and yet you both move on with your lives without the other in it…without shame that you’re a bad Christian for not wanting to still be in relationship with the person who has hurt you.

Sure, sure, we’ve got the cultural understanding of boundaries these days, thank the Lord, but still.

We are called to reconcile as Christians.
We are called to leave our offering at the altar and track down someone if you know they have a beef with you (I have a feeling a lot of people have huge piles of, like, ground chuck and filet mignon and sloppy joe with me). (I’ve upset a lot of people in my life, I’m sad to say.)
And we are called to live at peace with everyone inasmuch as it is up to us.

AND…

I do not think Jesus expects…demands…you to be in close relationship with someone who has hurt you continually, without ownership, without sincere apology, without change.

I mean…did He wash the feet of Judas knowing he’d betray him soon? Yes. Did He love Judas? I have no doubt. Did He forgive Judas after the betrayal? Probably before the betrayal, knowing all-knowing Jesus.

But He didn’t track Judas down and say, ‘’let’s still be buddies…you can still be in the twelve…here are all my secrets…”

And Jesus also said that if you are not listened to or welcomed, to shake the dust off your feet and move on.

The four people who have come to mind recently…heck…everyone I can think of right now who has hurt me in my lifetime (and that list is very long, I’m sad to say)…I have forgiven.

I do not wish any one of them harm in any way…even the ones who were downright cruel.

In fact, when they come to mind – and some do more often than others – or I hear about them, I say again, “I forgave them, Jesus. Remember? I forgive them again right now. And please bless their entire lives, their health and their relationships.” And then I pray, “Heal them, heal me, set us both free.”

Maybe, when you’ve said all you know to say, and you’ve prayed all you know to pray, and you’ve forgiven as deeply as you’re able to today, maybe living at peace with everyone is this…

it’s saying no more words…
it’s praying for healing when you think of them…
it’s protecting your heart because I believe God lets us remember for a reason and He wants us to be wise in who we’re in relationship with…
it’s being as kind as you can to every other person in your life (living amends in recovery speak)…
it’s giving them back to the Lord again and again and again…
it’s setting them free.

Which in turn sets us free too.

relational resources:
Relationships 201 e-course: ⁠https://bit.ly/PAY-WHAT-YOU-WANT-FOR-ALMOST-EVERYTHING
Marriage Methods (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/marriage-methods-pwyc
Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc

REPOST: I Call Marriage

I don’t watch a ton of TV but I loved the show This is Us. And there was one scene between two of the main characters, a married couple with two kids, that struck me so poignantly.

Randall and Beth were discussing their crazy schedule and how one of their elementary school daughters had a chess tournament that night. Randall said, basically, Can’t make it…I have a work dinner that I have to go to.

And Beth said, without batting an eye, with respect, but with authority, “I call marriage. You’re going to the tournament with us. Sorry but I call marriage.”

And Randall did not go to his work dinner that night.

In my first marriage, I never ‘called marriage’. Okay, that’s not true. I called it to God. I called it in my journal. I called it to my friends. I called it under my breath. I called it while crying on my bathroom floor or as I fell asleep alone or in my car or at AlAnon.

But I never – in a healthy, non-naggy, forthright way – ‘called marriage’ to my first husband.

Until it was too late. I called it when I finally had the strength and backing to call it, but at that point, it would’ve been like telling a smoker in hospice with lung cancer that he’d better cut back on the cigs. Too, too late.

I never told my first husband what I wanted or what I needed. Not really. I mean, I nagged and criticized, sure. But I never said, just clear as day, I need you to stop this and this and this or we won’t make it, our family will deteriorate, our marriage will implode. I never called marriage.

And I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened had I tried. Clearly, kindly, respectfully. Holding up the weight and importance and divinity of our marriage as more important than addictions and abuses and arguments.

Who would we have become? Who could we have become?

It’s obviously too late now to do anything about this and I wouldn’t go back even if I could, but it helps me to look back which then makes me see my current, new, now marriage a bit more clearly.

I hold the importance of our partnership up higher, as well as my responsibility to tell the truth, to say the harder things.

Here’s where it gets fuzzy, because I actually talk less now than I did when I was in my 20s and 30s. I don’t have the compulsion I once had to say every single thing I’m thinking and feeling when I’m thinking and feeling it, repeatedly, and with exclamation points.

And I’m working very hard to not criticize or nag my husband, and to let him be the man that God has created him to be, without my incessant tweaking. (Though I do probably say, ‘may I make a gentle suggestion?’ about three or so times a week…but then I try – try is the key word here – to shut up about it.)

With all that said though, I want to be a woman who feels free to ‘call marriage’ in my marriage. To say, okay, let’s think about how this is affecting you or me or both of us or our kids and what this really means, as opposed to just letting things go that maybe shouldn’t be let go.

I haven’t mastered this yet. Heck, I’m not even sure I’ve done this more than a few times over the past two years. But that one line on that one random TV show nudged something in me, reminded me of the gravity of my marriage and of the influence I have not just on my husband’s heart and life but on the health of our sacred union.

So, moving forward, though I may not ‘call marriage’ on a daily basis in literal terms, and though I frankly may not even have to because my husband and I are so gratefully on the same page so much of the time, I will be ‘calling marriage’ in my heart – to myself – every moment of every day of every year for the rest of our lives because it’s not only my responsibility to do so, it’s my honor and privilege.

Do you need to call marriage?

What God has joined together, let no one separate. -Mark 10:9

 

FREE (OR SUPER AFFORDABLE) RESOURCES:

wholeness help:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*Facebook group for all women: https://elisabethklein.com/join-wholehearted-group/
*top 10 tips for taking care of you: https://elisabethklein.com/top-ten-tips/
*Rumors of You (never-before-released) book: https://elisabethklein.com/rumors-of-you-book/
*Sixteen guided meditations: https://elisabethklein.com/guided-meditations/
*ALL COURSES now PAY WHAT YOU WANT: ⁠https://bit.ly/PAY-WHAT-YOU-WANT-FOR-ALMOST-EVERYTHING
*fill out this coaching survey and I’ll respond with a custom coaching proposal: bit.ly/how-is-your-life-working

in a difficult marriage?
*if you’re not safe or if you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, please set up a safety plan (http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf) and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
*Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage e-book: https://elisabethklein.com/books
*14-Day Marriage Challenge: https://elisabethklein.com/marriage-challenge-2/
*my 3-month e-course, Marriage Methods (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/marriage-methods-pwyc
*if you’re in a difficult marriage with biblical grounds to divorce and you’re trying to decide whether to stay or go: my 5-week e-course, Decision Time (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/PAY-WHAT-YOU-WANT-FOR-ALMOST-EVERYTHING

separated or divorced or single mom?
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
*Lies We Tell Ourselves webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/lies-we-tell/
*Surviving as a Christian Single Mom: www.elisabethklein.com/books
*my 3-month e-course, Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc
*Are You Ready to Date quiz: https://elisabethklein.com/partner-quiz/