Welcome to the new format of my blog. Once a month, I’ll be sharing both something I’ve newly written and one of my most-read posts from the past dozen years. Hope you enjoy this new format! –Elisabeth
NEW POST: I am a Control Freak
My husband recently retired and I have been anxious about it. Here’s where I do all of my typical disclaimers: I love him, I like him, he loves me, he likes me, we get along most of the time, we like to hang out together, yadda yadda yadda.
And all of that is true.
AND I am an introvert. And I love (require like oxygen) alone time. And I am a tad bit routine and a touch inflexible and never been called spontaneous a day in my life and everything has its place and I live and work on the main floor open concept kitchen/living room combo all of the minutes of my every single day and I like quiet and…
And in my emotional preparation for our time together I have been saying some things.
Things like, oh, you could finally join a men’s group now!
and hey, want to meet with our pastor about ways you can serve?
and guess what, you can go to the monthly men’s breakfast and look at that I already put it on the calendar for every first Friday of the month until one of us dies!
and things like that.
Innocent things like that.
Well-meaning things like that. (Deeply, deeply well-meaning things because I love him and want what’s best for him and…)
And as it turns out…
Controlling things like that.
Sounds like I’m your mother or Holy Spirit or friendly neighborhood cruise director things like that.
Sounds like that sweet man doesn’t know what he wants for his own life and doesn’t know how to make his own decisions.
Things that, if someone said to me, I would be seething.
According to the book Control Freak by Les Parrott III – that yes, I already ordered and read in under three days – “anxiety fuels control. But at the root of control is not trying to dominate another person but trying to tame the anxiety.”
When I am anxious, my control ratchets up (poor sweet Richard just trying to live his own life and enjoy his well-earned retirement).
I am controlling. But I don’t want to be.
I don’t want to hurt or undermine my husband.
So this is what I will be working on, especially as we adjust to fifty more hours a week together moving forward:
-I can ask him something once; I know I’m being controlling when I ask more than once (this is an AlAnon principle that I should’ve known already)
-not asking him about men’s ministry / joining a men’s group / meeting with our pastor about serving on his own, because he’s a grown-up and can do any or all of these if he wants to (and being super grateful that he wants to serve with me and be in a couples’ group with me)
-filling up my own life, taking care of my own emotional acre and staying out of his acre, detaching with love (also AlAnon stuff that I thought I’d mastered)
-guarding my tongue and not saying something if it’s naggy or critical or controlling (we’ll see)
-making a habit of asking Richard’s advice, opinions and ideas, listening to it and trying it
-make a habit of relinquishing control on small things, letting him make couple decisions and his own decisions, to practice this muscle
We are all controlling from time to time. We all think that what we think and do are the right things to think and do otherwise we wouldn’t do them. But when we hurt others – even unintentionally – with our needing to have our own way or with our pushing our agendas or values on someone else, it can be a good idea to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate. Only good can come.
An EVENING with BUZZ + BETH Facebook Live
Thursday, April 18 / 6:30-8pm CST
tickets: $10
If you are in a difficult relationship, recovering from one, find yourself in transition and wondering what now, could use some soul encouragement, (or just want to hear from Buzz!), you are invited for an evening with my husband and me.
included in this event:
a time of teaching by Elisabeth (“The Lies We Believe: And How We Can Change What We Think about Ourselves”),
Buzz & Beth will share their story,
Q&A time,
+ take-home reflection questions to go deeper
get your ticket here: https://elisabethklein.com/product/an-evening-with-buzz-beth-mini-retreat/
*you will receive an invitation to a private Facebook group the day of the event
*recording will be available for viewing for one week
REPOST: God Hates Divorce (There’s More to the Story)
Pretty much everyone who has ever been married or found themselves in a hard marriage or on the other side of divorce – in Christian culture – has heard someone tell them that “God hates divorce”, pulling from Malachi 2:16 (NLT) that says, “’For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel.”
These words are typically used as a tool to keep someone from divorcing, or sadly, to point out why someone’s life is so difficult post-divorce, as in, Well, what did you expect? God hates divorce… (By the way, that’s called adding insult to injury. That’s called being mean. That’s called the opposite of showing grace and empathy. If that’s all you have to say to someone in my position as a divorced woman, please say nothing.)
One of the first rules of Scripture interpretation, though, is context. Why did God say those words? Who was he saying them to? What else did he say in that same passage?
This passage was written during a time when men, mostly leaders, were divorcing their wives without cause. And if you think women are a bit more vulnerable now and get the shaft post-divorce these days, women back then were pretty much done for if their husbands divorced them. So these words came at a specific time to address an issue that is actually opposite of what you might think. God wasn’t saying “I hate divorce” to address the abused woman in an effort to motivate her to buck up or to shame her into staying; he was actually addressing the throw-away-wife man and telling him what he was doing was wrong and that he despised it.
And again, context, because if anyone even looked up this verse, they’d see that the very next words in Malachi 2:16 (NLT) are, “’And I hate the man who does wrong to his wife,’ says the Lord of All. ’So be careful in your spirit, and be one who can be trusted.’”
And look at it in the New International Version, “’The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.”
In other words, God hates the man who tosses out his wife, who hurts his wife, who mistreats her, who covers her with violence, especially so because the husband is supposed to be her protector.
God’s heart all across Scripture is towards the vulnerable. God’s heart all across Scripture is grace and mercy. God calls himself our strong tower, our refuge, our help in times of trouble.
In Proverbs 6:16-19 it lists off seven things that God hates: “A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren.”
For some women, this is the description of their entire marriage. God’s clear intention for marriage is for it to be a representation of how Christ and the Church are in relationship together. There is love, mutuality, care. There is no violence, no unnecessary harshness, no power trips, no lying, no wickedness.
(Let me state for the gazillionth time: I am not a proponent of every woman just up and leaving her marriage for any reason. But I am saying that I believe God hates abuse of every kind, including – or perhaps especially – in marriage, and if the husband refuses to stop and get help, that’s where grace must step in and cover over when the husband won’t do what he’s supposed to be doing.)
I believe that applying “God hates divorce” to the case of the abused woman looking for biblical counsel on whether or not she can leave her marriage to an unrepentant, abusive man is similar to someone taking “Jesus wept” and saying that Jesus shows compassion on the teenager who broke curfew and now can’t have her phone for a week. (Okay, slight stretch, but hopefully you get my point.) That in and of itself is an abuse of Scripture and abusing the heart of an already-hurting woman.
Scripture is our guide, absolutely. It is God’s very word to us. But let’s be very careful that we don’t wield it as a weapon against those who are already in so much pain and are in desperate need of our help and support.
FREE (OR SUPER AFFORDABLE) RESOURCES:
wholeness help:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*Facebook group for all women: https://elisabethklein.com/join-wholehearted-group/
*top 10 tips for taking care of you: https://elisabethklein.com/top-ten-tips/
*Rumors of You (never-before-released) book: https://elisabethklein.com/rumors-of-you-book/
*Sixteen guided meditations: https://elisabethklein.com/guided-meditations/
*ALL COURSES now PAY WHAT YOU WANT: https://bit.ly/PAY-WHAT-YOU-WANT-FOR-ALMOST-EVERYTHING
*fill out this coaching survey and I’ll respond with a custom coaching proposal: bit.ly/how-is-your-life-working
in a difficult marriage?
*if you’re not safe or if you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, please set up a safety plan (http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf) and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
*Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage e-book: https://elisabethklein.com/books
*14-Day Marriage Challenge: https://elisabethklein.com/marriage-challenge-2/
*my 3-month e-course, Marriage Methods (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/marriage-methods-pwyc
*if you’re in a difficult marriage with biblical grounds to divorce and you’re trying to decide whether to stay or go: my 5-week e-course, Decision Time (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/PAY-WHAT-YOU-WANT-FOR-ALMOST-EVERYTHING
separated or divorced or single mom?
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
*Lies We Tell Ourselves webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/lies-we-tell/
*Surviving as a Christian Single Mom: www.elisabethklein.com/books
*my 3-month e-course, Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc
*Are You Ready to Date quiz: https://elisabethklein.com/partner-quiz/