Welcome to the new format of my blog. Once a month, I’ll be sharing both something I’ve newly written and one of my most-read posts from the past dozen years. Hope you enjoy! –Elisabeth
NEW POST: Line in the Sand
I went away for five days. It came at a pivotal point for me. And I used it as this in-between time. In between several seasons of my life.
I set aside one morning for what I called a grieving session. During that time, I journaled about a handful of things that have been hurting my heart over the past couple years. I wrote about how my health has brought me such discouragement this past year-and-a-half and I felt like I had lost so much time and money to trying to find out what was wrong with me. And I wrote about missing my children – yes, even though they are 27 and almost 26, and I should be used to the empty nest years by now but my heart hasn’t caught up and how I wished I could see or talk to them every day for the rest of our lives but that’s not how the system works. And I wrote about some marriage things and how I hadn’t handled those things well. And I wrote about my work and its ending as I’d known it and loved it for a decade. And I wrote about how my life was about to completely change with my husband’s retirement, saying a goodbye to my stay-at-home-alone years.
I cried a bit. I let myself be sad. And I didn’t try to fix it or jump into ‘what’s next?’, scheduling my next session for the next morning.
I let myself do some work, go for a couple walks, listen to podcasts that weren’t too deep, asking the LORD to metabolize the grieving work, to receive it, to hold my heart, to comfort me, to transform me in my sadness and my goodbyes.
The next day I had what I called a consecration session. This is where I brought up all of the same issues, but thanked God for all the good things in each of those areas, and asked him to help me let go of what I needed to let go of, to love in healthier and more whole and holy ways, to bring as much healing as he wished to give me. I told him I received all the good memories into my heart and mind, and I received all the lessons he had wanted me to learn, and I received all the sweetness he wanted for me (and my body, and my children and mothering, and my marriage, and my husband and my work). I invoked the creation glory of God and the river of life (John Eldredge phrases) over each area of my life. And I surrendered each of these areas to him, asking for his will to be done.
I then read in Luke 8 the story of the hemorrhaging woman who had touched the hem of Jesus’ robe.
One of my issues as I’m far into middle age and post-menopausal and feeling like my life is smaller is that I feel invisible, unneeded.
But there is one sentence in the ESV account that goes like this, and it caught my eye, and I kept reading it over and over and over:
Now when the woman saw that she had not escaped notice, she came trembling and fell down before Him…
Now when the woman saw that she had not escaped notice…
Now when the woman saw that she had not escaped the notice of Jesus…
(Now the woman saw that she does not ever escape the notice of Jesus…)
I have not escaped the notice of Jesus. I may be escaping the notice of many many people (and that’s truly okay), but I will never escape the notice of Jesus. (And neither will you, by the way.)
I then went down to the beach of Lake Michigan and found two rocks. A dark one for my past, a light one for my future. I literally said to God, out loud, this rock represents everything in my life from September 27, 1970 to today. Thank you for all of it, the good and the bad. I give you all of it. I can change none of it. And I’m saying goodbye. Then I tossed it into the water.
I then said, out loud, this rock represents everything in my life from today until the day I die. Thank you in advance for all of it, the good and the bad. I give you all of it. I receive all of it. Please give me strength for all of it, please guide me, please give me wisdom and joy and hope. Please give me more of you. Then I tossed it into the water.
Listen, things like this aren’t magic. But I believe in rituals. I believe that something shifted in the spiritual realm, and little somethings shifted in my heart. (I can tell because I am making little different choices from before that trip in a few key areas.)
And I also believe I’ll remember that I did that, and that might be the most important thing, when I’m drifting backwards…I can bring the memories to my mind of sitting on that couch, of writing in my journal, of crying, of feeling grateful, of the words ‘she had not escaped {his} notice‘, of standing on the beach, the weight of those rocks in my hands, the sounds of those rocks splashing in the water.
Do you have old things you need to say goodbye to?
Do you have new things you need to say hello to, to consecrate?
Spring is as good a time as any.
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REPOST: Grieving the Dying or Dead Marriage You are Staying In
So, sweet one, you’re in a difficult marriage. You’re not just hitting a rough patch. You’re not just being overdramatic. Your expectations are not just too high. You don’t just need to chill.
There is addiction. Or there is abuse. Or there is unfaithfulness. Or there is mental illness.
Your Christian marriage is not just a regular marriage that takes some extra effort and extra grace.
Your Christian marriage is broken.
Your Christian marriage is destructive.
Your Christian marriage hurts you on a continual basis.
Your Christian marriage leaves you crying yourself to sleep more than you want to admit.
Your Christian marriage, by all accounts, is dead or dying a bit more every day.
And yet, you are choosing to stay.
Hopefully, you are not choosing to stay for reasons like, I’m afraid of what people will say {because only One opinion of you matters}, or I’m afraid I’ll lose God’s love {because that will never, ever, ever happen}.
Hopefully, you are choosing to stay because of reasons you have thought and prayed through. Things like, you honestly can’t figure out how to live on your own financially at this stage of your life, or you are homeschooling and feel that is what’s best for your children, or you’re pregnant or have young children and the upheaval of a separation or divorce right now would not be what’s in their best interest. Or something else that I’m not mentioning here. There are as many solid reasons to stay as there may be to leave. And only you and God can determine that. (Let me say that again: only you and God can determine whether you stay or leave your marriage. If you are a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit in you, and God promises that he has given you a sound mind and the mind of Christ.)
So say your marriage is the very, very hard kind. And say you have decided, at least for this season of your life, to remain married and living together. And say that your reasons are thoughtful and prayed through.
There is one thing I believe you need to do before you can move headlong with determination into your decision, and that is this:
You must grieve the death of your marriage and the death of your dream for your marriage so that
bitterness does not take root.
But how? How do you lay something down – grieve something – that you’re still entrenched in? Funerals are after someone’s death for a reason.
Every person is different, and every path through grieving will wind in a variety of ways. But here’s one suggestion.
I believe this work needs to be done alone with God. I would find some extended time alone, even if it means you have to get a babysitter. You need to be in quietness and solitude. Perhaps in your home alone, or in nature, or in a church sanctuary when you know no one else will be there. Before you go away, I would Google “psalms of lament” and choose one that resonates with you, but one of my favorites for the really sad times is Psalm 142.
So once you’re alone and in silence, here’s what I would do. I would take a few deep breaths and close my eyes. I would ask the Spirit to quiet my heart and mind, and to meet me in these moments, to guide and bless this sacred time together. Then I would read the Psalm out loud. Slowly. Stopping where words ring most true to you.
And then I would talk, or write if journaling is more your thing. And I would tell God everything you had hoped for your life and your marriage, all the dreams you had as a little girl, all the wishes you had when you first met your husband, all the hopes you had on your wedding day. Then I would read the Psalm again, slowly.
Then I would tell God all of the ways your dreams and wishes and hopes have not come to pass in your marriage, the ways in which you are hurt on a regular basis, the ways you feel like a failure, your fears for what this might mean for your future. Then I would read the Psalm again, slowly.
Let yourself feel your pain. Let the tears come. A broken Christian marriage is a death. You are not overreacting. This is very real pain. Then I would ask God to help you grieve this, to help you put this to bed, to help you lay this down. (A word of caution here: you may have to ask him this over and over again, after you finish this time together.) Then I would ask him to help you move forward in determination, in grace, in steadiness, in forgiveness, in integrity, with a peace and a trust in his promise to never leave you nor forsake you.
This will not be easy, but it will be important. And you may emotionally and physically feel exactly the same as when you began, but a work will have been done in the spiritual realm. Your tears and prayers are being accumulated and are a fragrance to Christ on the throne.
And it will be once you’ve taken the steps toward actively working through your grieving – even while still married – that you will be able to move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and calm. And this will be a light to your husband, your children, and it will bring you a deep feeling of joy knowing you’re doing all you can be.
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Your marriage is difficult. As in, much more than the average marriage. There might be a lot of arguing, a lack of connection and sex, perhaps abuse or addiction.
I’m guessing you cry a lot. Or, on the other hand, you’ve emotionally shut down because you’re just so tired of trying. You throw yourself into your children, your work, your hobbies. Or, you’re barely able to function because of the circumstantial depression that has settled over your life.
Things have not turned out the way you’d hoped, to say the least. And you don’t know what to do. (I know all of this, by the way, because this was my life for almost twenty years.)
But, you plan to stay. For now at least, you are not going anywhere.
Did you know that you can stay poorly OR you can choose to stay well? Yes, you have a choice.
Here are your options:
You can keep doing what you’re doing, expecting different results one of these days.
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what is my role?
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self care (emotional/relational)
self care (spiritual)
grieving
anger
forgiveness vs trust
communication
God defines me not my marriage
our identity
newness
thriving vs surviving
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FREE (OR SUPER AFFORDABLE) RESOURCES:
wholeness help:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*Facebook group for all women: https://elisabethklein.com/join-wholehearted-group/
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in a difficult marriage?
*if you’re not safe or if you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, please set up a safety plan (http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf) and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
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separated or divorced or single mom?
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