This year I’m trying something different with the blog. Once a month, I’ll be sharing both something I’ve newly written and one of my most-read posts from the past dozen years. Hope you enjoy this new format! –Elisabeth

NEW POST: Marriage is an Uncontrollable Thing 

Here is a thing I wish someone would have said to me when I was 21, and perhaps again when I was 44.

You don’t think you are controlling, but you are.
You need to know going in that you will not be able to control your spouse or your marriage as much as you are hoping to.
You will be 100% responsible for / in control of yourself, 50% responsible for / in control of your marriage, and 0% responsible for / in control of your spouse.

Now, some of you may not think you are controlling and you really might be easy-breezy, good for you.

With that said, newsflash: everyone is controlling to some degree.
Everyone thinks the way they do things is best or the way they think about things is right, otherwise we wouldn’t do and think those things.
(A quick test to see if you’re controlling: is there even one person in your life that you think should be making different choices? You’re controlling-ish. Do you tell people how you think they should be living their lives? And/or do you give advice that you weren’t asked for? You’re controlling, full stop.)

But back to marriage and control.

First time around, addiction could not have been farther from my mind. If I had a radar, addiction was on the other side of the globe.
Not us. I mean, like, addicted to what?
Did we have baggage? Oh sure, I knew that ahead of time.
But neither one of us were ever about to want something more than we should want it and then get the thing and then use it much too much and secretly by the way.
And neither of us were about to start telling the other what they could and couldn’t do and when and where or I’m telling whoever.

But lo and behold, premarital counseling and a book or two did not prepare us.

And I couldn’t make things go the way I wanted them to, no matter how much I tried and prayed and yelled and cried.
And I couldn’t make things go the opposite of what I’d grown up with, despite how much I tried and prayed and yelled and cried.

Now, I’m not saying we were destined for addiction and codependency and failure and hurting each other endlessly and divorce and repeating the darn cycle despite our promises to each other that we wouldn’t.
I’m not saying it was out of our hands.
No, there were things we could’ve done.
We just didn’t do those things.
We did other things. (We don’t know what we don’t know and we didn’t know.)
We did things that hurt the other and ourselves. Repeatedly. Over and over. For almost two decades.

So, sweet one looking ahead, trying to peer into your future marriage with a sense of I think I have a pretty good idea of what’s coming…because I read those books and I talked to those people and I asked God and I chose oh so carefully…I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry to tell you that your spouse is going to shock you. Sometimes with greatness but also sometimes with devastation.
And, and I’m maybe even more sorry to tell you this part…you will shock them right back…and yourself.

Prepare all you want. I’m not knocking preparation.

But humans are, well, human. And we change every single day. And the person you said I do to is not the same person you will be married to in six months or six years or a lifetime later. We say I do to all the versions of our future spouse. As do they. (The only things that will never change in this life are Jesus Christ who is the same yesterday and today and forever, and the complete love that God has for you.)

Our chief task in marriage is to love, support, and pray for every version of your spouse as they are, and hope for the same in return, but you do it anyway whether they are doing it or not.

But if you don’t go into this thing called marriage without your hands at least a little less clenched, without all those expectations of it absolutely must go this way or else I’ll die or not on my watch, my spouse will not do such and such to me and our marriage, you will be ravaged. You will not live through it. You will not survive the thing.

The only thing I can promise you with 100% accuracy is that your marriage will not look like you thought it would. Your spouse will not be the spouse you are hoping they will be (for better or for worse) and you will not be the human you assumed you would be. They will say things and do things and you will say things and do things that you cannot fathom right now, both wonderful and catastrophic. And you will hopefully each say thank you often. And you will hopefully each say I’m so sorry more than you can guess now. And love will beget love and forgiveness will beget future mercy.

But you know what…no matter what…it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Even when you’re not. Because God.

There is beauty in the ruins.
There is delight in the pleasant surprises.
It’s going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay. Even when you’re not.
Because God.

*****

HUGE FAVOR + BOOK GIVEAWAY!

Would you purchase even ONE item from this wishlist from my son-in-law’s Homeless Winter Shelter located in Elgin, IL?!? Let’s flood this shelter with the love of God!
When you do, I will send you any of my e-books* as a thank-you!

>>> https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3TYW1ST17VQJ?ref_=wl_share&fbclid=IwAR0oQuTWLH420Ob_SLVHgZRYTy-4ej5dc5AjIpM3ZbG1kdSfs8S1IJjtCEY

*you can choose from: He IS Just That Into You / Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage / Living Through Divorce as a Christian Woman / Moving On as a Christian Single Mom / World Split Open / Holidays for the Hurting / Dating After Divorce / You’re Going to Make It Through / Second Time Around: Thoughts on Remarriage / Rumors of You

Just email me (elisabeth@elisabethklein.com) after you’ve made the purchase with your book choice and THANK YOU in advance!

***** 

REPOST: The Committee in My Head

Towards the end of my difficult marriage, I had a committee. A literal committee of people were assembled and assigned (two counselors, a mediator, a mentor couple, a mentor woman, a campus pastor, and an elder couple) to come alongside us and try to keep us together.

I did everything they told me to do for fifteen months. (It was humbling, humiliating and one of the best things I ever did.) And at the end of the fifteen months, they released me to legally separate, which I did.

This was about twelve or so years ago now. And someone recently asked me, after reading my story, “It’s interesting that you just did what you were told. Knowing what you know now, would you still?”

I’ve thought about this a lot over the past dozen years. I wasn’t just living by committee and consensus during that fifteen months, I had been living by committee and consensus my entire life, asking anyone and everyone (along with God) how I should live my life, so this was not a new scenario I found myself in…by the time this group of people had been assigned to us, I already knew the drill (meaning: ask, ask, ask, and then do as I was told like the good little girl that I was, like the good Christian wife I was desperate to be).

It’s one thing to do this – ask around for lots of advice and even instruction and approval – when you’re a child or even as a teenager or young adult trying to figure out life. But it’s quite another thing to do this when you’re a full-fledged grown-up.

There is no way for me to really know now if I were in the same exact situation with what I’ve learned about God and grace and divorce and myself if I would have quote-unquote allowed those nine people to, you know, tell me what to do for fifteen months, and then if I would have gone along with only filing for a legal separation (as opposed to divorce) because that’s what they felt I was biblically allowed to do.

I genuinely don’t know.

I don’t believe the same things about divorce that I used to believe. (This is what I believe now.)

And though I owe a world of gratitude to those nine people for truly looking out for me and my spiritual wholeness and my children through all of that, and though I absolutely believe that it is wise to consult wise, loving, trustworthy people in your life, I don’t think I believe the same things about the kind of God-given agency I hold over my own life. (As in, I actually have some God-given agency over my own life.)

But allow me to pivot for a moment, because I realize that I still live by committee. Just in a different way.

This committee lives in my head. It’s made up almost entirely of people who are not in my daily life, who do not know my heart or life, and who have at times said very cruel things to me.

I was talking with my counselor about one of these people and she said, “I have this image in my head of you and so-and-so playing tug of war.”

That resonated with me and so I tried picturing it myself. It’s a relational tugging back and forth of control, with, ironically 99% of it being only in my mind, I realized.

And she said, “What if you let go of the rope?”

It occurred to me that this person whom I allow to live rent-free in my head and whom I allow to continue to make me feel pretty crappy about myself…this person has no idea that I do this…this person spends (I’m guessing) zero time wondering if I do this…this person (I’m guessing) does not care that I deeply struggle with their old words, these old wounds.

This particular emotional tug of war, this make-believe committee in my head, isn’t serving me in any way.

So I am reminding myself of a few things:

I have been given the mind of Christ.
I have been given a sound mind.
I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.
In other words, I am not an incapable idiot.

And this committee member and I do not share the same values so why am I measuring my life against their yardstick? Only one opinion of me matters and that is God’s who loves me unconditionally and is not mad at me or disappointed in me.

Moving forward, with God’s help, the next time any of those voices start pointing out what I’m doing wrong with my life, I’m going to try saying out loud: Beth, let go of the rope. You’re not a disappointment, you’re not a failure, you are completely loved.

 

FREE (OR SUPER AFFORDABLE) RESOURCES:

wholeness help:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein
*Facebook group for all women: https://elisabethklein.com/join-wholehearted-group/
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in a difficult marriage?
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*marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
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*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
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