[originally written April 2014]
I’ve been alluding lately to some things in my life that are leaving me uncertain and ever so slightly unsettled. But I started noticing something bubbling up in me and it was disconcerting for the following reasons:
I was healthy.
I wasn’t hormonal.
I was getting enough sleep.
I was getting outside and getting exercise as Spring has finally arrived.
I was eating right and taking my vitamins and drinking more water than I usually do.
I was serving.
I was spending time with my friends.
I was in a sweet season of mothering where nothing is awry.
I was having consistent time every morning with Jesus.
I was doing work I love.
And yet, I felt…..off. My life felt weird. I realized that for a few months I have felt like I wasn’t recognizing myself. I was, in essence, crawling out of my skin. I didn’t want to be the me that I was, or something. I don’t know. But it was freaking me out and I had to just get out of town.
So I did.
And I spent extra-long amounts of time journaling and thinking and praying and crying and asking Jesus to speak to me and to heal me and to fix things in me that I am just so freaking tired of still battling after, what?, twenty-plus years.
In the days leading up to my time away, I was dealing with what I now refer to as “swirly panic”. I wouldn’t say I was having anxiety attacks by any means, but something in me was shaky and off and I wanted it to stop. And then in the moments before I got into my car to leave, I was nervous. I was raw. I had that lump in your throat when you know you’re about to cry. I’ve left my house before. I’ve driven to Michigan before. I’ve gone plenty of places alone before. I used to do solo retreats two times a year. But I was – no other word for it – scared.
But I realized that I was equally afraid of two things: that Jesus would say nothing to me AND that Jesus would say something big to me that would be yucky. I texted that to my mentor and she replied, “Let Jesus be Jesus. You are loved.” (Love her. Get a mentor, people.)
I’m not going to go into all the things that ended up transpiring between me and Jesus, because most of that is for us (though he did whisper to me that he’s not the creator of “swirly panic” but of peace…..oh snap!), but I will share one gem that hit me deeply and brought a settledness to me that I believe someone needs to hear, even if you know it already (as I did). Ready for the deep-heart truth???
No matter what happens to you and no matter what choices you make…..NO MATTER WHAT…..you’re going to be okay. It’s ALL going to be okay.
(Isn’t almost the whole point of Jesus is that no matter what happens to us we’re going to be okay?)
I almost kicked myself when that came to the surface, even saying out loud on my walk to the beach, “I had to come all the way to Michigan for that?!?” Yes, yes I did.
And so, sweet ones, if you are feeling off in any way, listen to that. It could be your body, it could be your mind, it could be your heart. Take that sensation seriously. Take it as a sign to check in with yourself. Ask Jesus what might be going on with you, and then, S-L-O-W down and Q-U-I-E-T down enough to listen, really listen. Because he wants to speak to you, if you only have the ears to hear.
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. –I Kings 19:1-12-
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Wonderful Beth! Just in the last few days this is the same message I sensed from Jesus-that I’m going to be okay! The first part was “I’m going to be divorced,” followed by “but I’m going to be okay.”
Thank you so much telling it like it is.
Debbie, grateful to hear you’re hearing the same thing from Jesus. -Elisabeth
I needed to hear this today! Some things in my life I can’t control and they send me into a panic. You are right, Jesus knows all the factors in my life and He’s got it – it’s going to be okay because I trust in Him. Thank you for sharing.
Trina, I’m so glad! It’s my honor. -Elisabeth
Thanks, Elisabeth. I feel a time of that coming in my life too…and the knowledge that with Him everything truly WILL be ok, no matter what decisions I make, is reassuring. God bless you my friend!
Thank you, Shelly! -Elisabeth
I sooo needed this today!!! I am trusting Him that I am where He put me, but the doubts keep creeping in! Thanks for sharing!!!
Yes, Tracy…you are where he put you. So good and true! -Elisabeth
Wow at those verses!! I tell myself daily that it’s going to be ok. I tell my family and friends that we will be okay and God has us, but something I’m struggling with recently is that my head and my heart are not on the same page. Thank you for sharing. Now to memorize those verses 😉
Carrie, I totally get this: my head and heart so rarely match up too! Trying though! -Elisabeth
Thank you. I really needed this today 🙂
You’re welcome, Deanna. Thank you for reading and commenting. -Elisabeth
Thanks Elisabeth….tears filled my eyes reading this. I know that swirly panic feeling all to well. I can produce a flood of tears at the drop of a hat without even knowing why I’m crying for sure….just a fear-filled, unsettled, out of control feeling. As a result of a rape in my past long ago, I have some Goliath sized trust issues….even with God….who am I kidding…especially with God. When I feel so out of control, it’s hard to trust in His protection. I keep trying and I keep trying to hold on….some days I hold tightly, other days I’m hanging on to the thread dangling from the hem of His garment….but I’ve never let go. One day at a time! I needed this today!
Sheila, I am so very sorry for your painful story but grateful that my words brought you some comfort today to know you’re not alone. -Elisabeth
Beautiful!!! I love the passage from I Kings. I have found that as much as I need solitude and quiet I fight it until I almost cannot function until I get it (peace and quiet). And the biggest reason I think is that I finally have time and space to think, breathe and grieve and I am uncomfortable with it. You have set a wonderful example for the rest of us sisters!
Rebecca…yes! I totally stay away from too much quiet because I’m scared what I’ll hear. Get it! Thanks for reading! -Elisabeth
One word…confirmation! Thank you!
So glad, Cheryce! Thanks for commenting. -Elisabeth