Question: “My soon-to-be ex-husband keeps hurting me emotionally. How should I respond?”
My answer from my just-divorced years:
This weekend was a tough one. Someone did three things that hurt me. It involved a breaking of an agreement. It involved my children. And they were all done to intentionally cause me pain.
It worked. Each act hurt me. I handled it by crying and by asking a few friends to pray for me.
The next morning, however, I woke up angry. So I cooked up ways in which to retaliate, ration out some justice. A fair trade, if you will. To be super honest, it felt utterly delicious. It felt good to know that I had options, that I was going to dish it right back out. I kinda couldn’t wait.
I went as far as planning how I would do these things and what I would say to my offender. And then I said outloud, to myself, “Christians aren’t supposed to be mean, though, right?” Right.
Dangit.
People who love Jesus should not be intentionally mean to someone.
People who love Jesus should not try to get someone back for being intentionally mean to them.
And again I say, dangit.
In all of the times of being on the receiving end of an intentional meanness in the past couple years, I have yet to intentionally hurt back. What this means is that I have surrendered and laid down and let go, if I had to guess, a thousand things. This was not always the case, I’m sad to say, but it is now.
But these days, this weekend, instead, I took some deep breaths. Instead, I went to church alone (and tried to worship, and tried to listen). Instead, I bought myself a gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers. Instead, I sat outside on a beautiful day and read a really good book and did my best not to let the gift of the day be stolen from me. Instead, I reminded myself that all will be made right someday, and I don’t have to be the one to dole out what’s coming.
So, also, instead, I prayed for my children. And instead, I asked for help to forgive and not be bitter and to let go. And instead, I prayed that my offender would be broken once and for all and find healing. And instead, I prayed a blessing over this person.
Because that’s what people who say they love Jesus do.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here, “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here or Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN) found here. Also, check out my podcast – All That to Say – with a bunch of episodes on handing relationships better.
Good for you, Elisabeth! It is so hard to lay down that sword, especially when it seems getting even will feel so good for a moment. You well know from experience, it’s only temporary and generally makes it worse.
My so-to-be ex has chosen to pose as an innocent victim on their social media pages, which feels like a re-offense every time I happen to read the comments. Instead of responding, there has been so much in Psalm 37 that I have read over and over as I’m sure you have as well:
Here is a selection to encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing:
Psalm 37:
5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret —it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
Even though your (ex)spouse chooses to purposely hurt you, God has not forgotten. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel hurt and lonely and so many more emotions. It does mean that God will use those somehow as part of his healing process for you. Thanks for your honesty and perseverance in the hard hard stuff.
Wow! I am so impressed with your strength and determination not to lower yourself to your soon-to-be ex’s level of behavior. Of one thing, I am sure though. We must forgive as God has forgiven us before we can move on in our lives. Keep up the good work!! I will be praying for you.
Until we can forgive others for hurting us, they will continue to have some control over us. Forgiving as God wants us to forgive has been very hard for me. I admire you for having the self control you have shown and pray that you will continue to turn to God for guidance in this difficult time in your life.
This is such a helpful and inspiring reminder. Thanks for the encouragement.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Katrina!