“You are not your client’s friend.”
I’m not??

“Say the things that no one else is saying to her.”
But I don’t want to. I want to just tell her she’s amazing and to keep going and Jesus loves her and I think she’s cute. 

I’ve had a few clients who have made choices I wouldn’t make, who made choices I thought were not just wrong but really, really wrong.

I’m not the best coach for clients like this because I’m not great at saying those super hard things that I know they won’t want to hear.

So, I thought it might be helpful for me to say a few things that I’ve wanted to say over the years here in black and white to get it all out of my system.

1. No, you do not have biblical grounds to divorce.

Because not being quote-unquote happy or not feeling like you can quote-unquote be yourself with him or he doesn’t do your honey-do list or take you on dates (et cetera, et cetera) are not biblical grounds to end your covenant of marriage.

2. I’m sure the man you’re dating is great, but

You’re not divorced yet, which means you are still married, which means you are being unfaithful.
You just got divorced and you are nowhere near ready to move on yet and dating too soon will hijack your healing and put your heart, your children and your future relationship in jeopardy, no matter how okay you already feel.
You’ve done zero work on grieving or processing your first marriage and your hope that some man can come into your life and make everything better will only hurt you (and him and your children) in the long run.
He doesn’t share your faith, which means you two would be unequally yoked, which Scripture warns against because God loves you and your heart matters to him and it will be more painful than you’re imagining now; even if he treats you better than your last husband.
No, just because you had sex already with your first husband or you’re a grown-up doesn’t make the “do not commit fornication” Scripture invalid. You should still not be having sex if you’re not married.
The point of your life is not to find a (good) man and get married or remarried. It’s to fall in love with Jesus and let him lead you and fill you up and transform you and use you to be a light.

3. Happiness is not the point of life.

Happiness is great, but happiness (root word: happen, happening) is fleeting. Instead, pursue Jesus, pursue holiness, pursue wholeheartedness (spiritually, relationally, mentally, emotionally, physically), and joy and contentment and, yes, even happiness can follow.

If you aim your arrow towards happy, you’ll rarely hit the target and spend your life in disappointment and even resentment. If you reach for Jesus and his love, he will walk you through everything and bring a depth to your life that you will never regret.

If you’ve been a client and I’ve ever left you off the hook with some watered-down message, I’m so very sorry. I will have to account for all the words I’ve said but also for all the words I’ve withheld out of fear.

And if you’re in need of some support, coaching and prayer – and you’re still willing to work with me after reading all this harshness!, start by filling out this coaching questionnaire.

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. -Proverbs 13:20

Check out my podcast – All That to Say – for more words of guidance and, hopefully, inspiration.


Life isn't always how we want it. When change seems elusive, and we're stuck in old routines, a gentle push or some self-reflection can make a difference. Let these questions be that nudge to get you moving.

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