Different Kinds of Strength

by | Feb 23, 2023 | difficult marriage, divorce, pain | 10 comments

{A post from when I was walking through my separation and divorce}

I’ve been told lately that how I have handled my marriage and how I am handling the dissolution of my marriage show a lack of strength.

I’ve been told that I should be kicking butt.  I’ve been told that I don’t stack up to other women who would be handling this situation differently, read: better.  I’ve been told, “I guess we’re just different…I’m strong, independent…”, implied: you’re not.
I beg to differ.
Though I’ve come to realize that no one but Jesus will ever truly know the depth of pain that I’ve carried the past eighteen years, it’s also occurred to me that no one else really needs to know.
Because he knows.  And I know.
I know what it took to stay married for six thousand five hundred and forty four days when I didn’t want to.
I know what it took to stay put because I was trying to give my children the stability that I didn’t have growing up.
I know what it took to attempt to keep my vows when pretty much every day found me praying for an out.
That’s not cowardice.  That’s not being a wimp who was afraid to leave.
I stayed out of intentionality, not of weakness or fear.
And I know what it’s taken to get through this past year of disentangling myself from my husband, a process that is still going on and will continue for a few years, from what I understand.  Just because I’ve had time to let the idea settle in doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like I got kicked in the gut when I saw his signature on the divorce papers he filed.
I may have cried a lot, and worn my pajamas in public, and taken one or two naps a day, and forgotten to eat from time to time, but that does not make me weak.  It’s called grieving.
And my choices and decisions may leave some scratching their heads, but they’re not me.  And they haven’t lived my life.  And they don’t know my heart.
Because I know that my intention through every day of the past twenty-five years of my life has been to follow God.  When I have broken his heart, mine has broken too.  When I chose to walk away from my vows – even though advised to do so – I did so with sadness and regret.

And yet I did so with strength.  Enduring a difficult marriage and then walking away because it’s the best thing to do all while trying to raise two children is not for the weak.
There is a strength that accompanies those who wait on the Lord, who do what’s right no matter how hard (staying, then leaving, in my case), who don’t worry themselves with opinions of others.
I may appear weak and foolish, but if my true strength comes from God, then frankly, I’m stronger than I even know.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. -II Corinthians 12:9-10 KJV

in a difficult marriage?
*if you’re not safe or if you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, please set up a safety plan (http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf) and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)
*Detaching with Love webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/detaching-with-love-1/
*marriage assessment: http://bit.ly/marriage-assessment
*my 3-month e-course, Marriage Methods (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/marriage-methods-pwyc

if you’re in a difficult marriage with biblical grounds to divorce and you’re trying to decide whether to stay or go:
*my 5-week e-course, Decision Time: https://elisabethklein.com/product/decisiontime/

separated or divorced or single mom?
*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
*Lies We Tell Ourselves webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/lies-we-tell/
*my 3-month e-course, Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc

7 Days of Prayers:
for challenging marriages: https://elisabethklein.com/prayers-for-challenging-marriage/
for separation/divorce: https://elisabethklein.com/prayers-separated-divorced/
for remarriages: https://elisabethklein.com/prayers-remarriage/

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10 Comments

  1. jeedoo
    jeedoo on September 10, 2011 at 12:23 am

    May grace lift you and cover you and wrap all around you!

  2. Michelle Van Loon
    Michelle Van Loon on September 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

    What a brave, beautiful post.

    Thank you.

  3. Mindy
    Mindy on September 10, 2011 at 2:53 am

    Reminds me of a statement my aunt always said…

    “They can say what they want, but they haven’t lived it.”

    Stay strong, Beth…you know you are:)

  4. Deb B
    Deb B on September 11, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    I’ve been married 28 years now. We’ve been living separate lives in the same home for 6 years now. We have not been sexually intimate for 3.5 years and I’m starting to realize we may never be intimate in anyway a healthy married couple should be. I’m very lonely and longing for intimacy with my husband but I can’t say anything more to him as he is hardened towards me and a yelling match ensues. At this point he doesn’t seem to care anymore but he has not chosen to leave yet. He tells me he loves me still and that’s why he stays. I love him as well but it doesn’t seem enough to propell us to find agreement with each other or even happiness. We’ve been through Christian counselors and prayer but nothing changes in our relationship. We’ve built a life together with our kids who are all but one adults. I’ve stayed for my kids hoping that my husband and I would be inlove with each other and be happy with each other’s company. I’m now 48 and have been with my husband all my adult life. I’m afraid that whenever I perish, even though I’m married, I will die alone, not ever knowing or feeling a man’s true love for me. I also would love to reciprocate my love to someone who would care and love me. I have been wanting to separate now but I will wait until my youngest is 18 and finished with high school which will be in 2 years. I love my husband but it’s hard to live indifferent and separate with him as well as painful and heart wrenching. As each year slips by with no change in our relationship, I’ve come to realize we’re not going to make it. We’ve lost the battle to save our marriage.

  5. LVQ
    LVQ on September 12, 2011 at 4:36 am

    To be honest, I would have to say one of the first things I see when watching, from afar, you go through this journey, is your strength. Whether that be God’s strength working in you or something else, I have been absolutely blown away by it. And for the record, I thought that before you wrote this.

  6. Elisabeth Corcoran
    Elisabeth Corcoran on September 12, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Deb B.,

    I am so, so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing it with me.

    Praying for peace tonight,
    Elisabeth

  7. Elisabeth Corcoran
    Elisabeth Corcoran on September 12, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Lindsay,

    Ummm…I adore you. Completely.

    Beth

  8. Laura
    Laura on November 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Going through the same thing as you, I get up every morning & tell myself that my strength will be enough with Holy Spirit holding my hand. And even though it’s only been a month since my husband moved out, I find that there is a little peace starting to come back to me even if I’m sad at times, scared at times, absolutely furious at times, lonely at times. I refuse to be around anyone who can’t just love & support me right now. They don’t have to gush all over me – just be understanding, that’s all I ask. Don’t try to push me into getting involved in a lot of other things to try to distract my humaness right now. If I make you uncomfortable, then I’ll stay away until I don’t & we can pick up where we left off.

  9. Bethany LaShell
    Bethany LaShell on February 23, 2023 at 8:30 am

    Amen, sistah! Those who haven’t been through it need to keep their opinions to themselves!

  10. Alora Deising-Eovaldi
    Alora Deising-Eovaldi on February 23, 2023 at 9:41 pm

    Well said.