I have two equally-weighted fears when it comes to my ministry.
One is that there is a woman out there who I don’t reach, and she languishes physically or emotionally or spiritually when she doesn’t have to, either in her difficult marriage or in her divorce or as a single mom. That she could be taking steps to protect herself and her children and her heart, that she could be moving forward into a peace, into a wholeness, despite her circumstances, but because no one has told her that she can, she doesn’t. This breaks my heart. (Because I was that girl for a very, very long time.)
There is little I can do about this one except continue to pray that God will get my message into the hands of the women who are in need of some grace and hope and resources and compassion; to ask that if you’ve benefitted from my work, that you pass along this hope to any friends who are struggling under the weight of life’s hard, hard circumstances.
But other than that, I absolutely must trust that God will lead the way on this, that he will ‘expand my borders’ as he sees fit.
But my other fear – on the completely other side of the spectrum, and it terrifies me – is that at the end of my life when I’m standing before my Maker, God says to me:
“Look over there…see all those women? They left their husbands because of you… and I’m not okay with it. What were you thinking??”
Now, before you balk and say that no one would ever leave their marriage because of something I’ve done or not done or said or not said, this is not something I’ve made up.
I once received an email that said, “Someone I love left their marriage because they found you and felt justified to do so after reading some of your posts.”
I held in my breath when I read those words. I felt shame. And a huge, crushing weight. And a sadness that was like a drop-kick to my gut. It made me instantly sick to my stomach.
If even ONE PERSON leaves her marriage when she doesn’t have biblical grounds and says she felt she could do so because of even one word I’ve ever written, it will be too much for me to bear.
So, let me say this is clearly as I know how.
This is my stance on divorce. It might not be what you think it is. People tend to think because I’m divorced that I’m super liberal in my views. That is absolutely not the case.
I do not believe you should just up and leave your husband because you don’t love him or aren’t happy. (Sorry.)
You cannot say that because I left my marriage you can leave your marriage. Because I didn’t just up and leave. Not by a long shot. (I was released to legally separate by church leadership and then I was served divorce papers. I was the leavee {in more ways than one} not the leaver.)
If you are in a hard marriage, there are good, solid, productive things you can do about it.
And at the end of everything, I believe to my core that we will each be standing in front of God alone, not being able to point to our ex-husbands or dysfunctional parents or some random blogger we’ve never met as to the reason we made any of our life-changing decisions. If you are a follower of Christ, YOU have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of you; YOU have been given a sound mind; YOU have the mind of Christ. YOU make all of your own decisions and will be held accountable for all of your own decisions.
If you have left your marriage because of anything I’ve written and you shouldn’t have left OR if your spouse left your marriage after reading something I’ve written when they shouldn’t have, I am so very sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I know an I’m sorry can’t put your family back together but it’s all I’ve got. Along with the commitment to continue to try to communicate as clearly and gently and strongly as I possibly can.
I never have told even one person that they should divorce their spouse, and I never intend to.
Some of you CAN leave your marriages. Some of you CANNOT leave your marriages (without being disobedient to God and having to live with the natural consequences that comes with that).
But no matter what – and I have to keep coming back to this – God loves you. No matter what you’ve done or not done, what you’ve said or not said, whether you’ve stayed or left, whether you did everything you could and you were still walked away from, God loves you. He loves your ex-spouse. He loves your cheating spouse. He loves your abusive spouse. He loves your addicted spouse. He loves your codependent spouse. He loves your needy spouse. He loves your lying spouse. He loves your critical spouse. He loves your spouse. And He loves you and He loves you and He loves you, and He will never stop loving you.
God gave us sound minds. Let’s use them carefully to think and pray for ourselves.
Holy Spirit, please protect each person who makes their way to this blog, allowing only your Truth to penetrate their hearts and minds. Please minster to each one individually. Please fight for marriages and fight for wholeness. Amen.
P.S. A new episode of ALL THAT TO SAY is out. You can catch it on Apple, Spotify, Google or here: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein.
Also: new PAY WHAT YOU CAN options for MARRIAGE METHODS and HEARTBREAK TO HOPE e-courses:
MARRIAGE METHODS: https://form.jotform.com/202525689314155
HEARTBREAK TO HOPE: https://form.jotform.com/202374342290146
Hi Elizabeth, I found you in the midst of my pain and your blog and Facebook pages helped me to see I wasn’t dicarded by God because my marriage failed. I like you sought Godly counsel, 3 Pastors told me I was free to get out. I still felt like a failure until a friend brought me to you. So thank you! Those that they say they left because of you couldn’t have read all your posts because you are very clear about your stance on divorce. You are a God send to many women! I believe that persons friend that said she left her marriage because of you was just looking for an excuse not for God’s will. Keep up your poweful ministry.
I think that comment was intended more as a personal attack than as a real statement based on actual facts because you don’t make life changing decisions based on a bloggers article. All of those who have read your articles know your stance on the divorce is biblical. You don’t come down on us condemning us for being on the verge of divorce and you don’t encourage us to leave. And I’ve known that since I started reading you four years ago.
I agree with Melanie….. that person should not of emailed you or ‘blamed’ you — bottom line as you said – when we met HIM….. there won’t be a cheering section nor a jeering section…but Jesus will be there.
I have felt and prayed a similar prayer — as I blog and know people read it. Heck..I have made a few decisions in my life based on something that I read..from the Bible… but also — from research / blogs and advise from a mentor….but each time — I know – it is God and me.
Hard lesson to learn – thank you for being transparent. Good blog. If you have not already forwarded to that person — you should. LOL
Sorry — a bit of humor there is a very serious thought!
Michelle
I am praying for you sweet sister!
Hey Elisabeth:
I, like you, endured years of a difficult ‘Christian Marriage’… mine was this: I was following hard after Christ, which infuriated my spouse (as we, neither one of us, knew JESUS when we married. We ‘met Him’ some 5 years into the marriage after I began having serious spinal surgeries.) My spouse wanted me to obey him – even though he was not obeying (or even surrendered to, or wanting to be surrendered to) Jesus Christ. I sought counseling. My spouse didn’t want to face the truths that were illuminated during sessions with a Christian counselor. After years of suffering verbal, emotional and encroaching physical-threat abuse, I was advised by a team of Pastors and Elders in my church that I was within Biblical parameters to take myself and my children to a safe place. I WAS NOT advised to file for divorce. I DID NOT file for divorce. My spouse had me served with divorce papers within 3 months of my move to a safe haven.
I did not fight to maintain a marriage that was clearly over in my spouse’s eyes. I had given many years to this marriage. I had sought after counseling. I had engaged in much prayer. I had come VERY CLOSE to losing myself in this marriage. I surrendered to my spouse’s desire for divorce and have since then worked to heal and facilitate healing in my children.
My divorce was 12 years ago. 2 years ago, I ‘stumbled across’ (read: was led by the Holy Spirit to) your blog.
Even though my divorce was 10 years in the past at that point, I began, and have continued, to read your blog because…
YOU ILLUMINATE PATHS TO HEALING. THROUGH JESUS CHRIST.
Period. You have never – in my experience – advised anything that runs counter to Biblical tenets.
I have benefited from your words, your transparency and your advice. For those things I say “Thank you!!!”
God Bless, beautiful lady. 🙂
-Babs
People use the Word of God to justify killing too but that doesn’t mean God’s words are responsible for that death. We are all responsible before God for our own actions. You have been anything but flippant and careless about your choices and actions and words. Grieve only at the needless death of a marriage that might have been saved but do not bear the burden of guilt too. I do not believe that is your burden to carry but rather an effort of the enemy to weaken your resolve and inner strength and take you out of the fight. Through your testimony, God is setting a lot of people free from chains the enemy has placed on them and you will take enemy fire for that.
Thank you, Elisabeth, for your raw honesty and humility and may God continue to bless your ministry and your marriage
Amen to the above comments. I do believe though that you are NOT seeking our affirmation but only the Lord’s. I stayed married for almost 30 years with much despair and pain. I sought divorce when I knew my God released me. It has been a gut wrenching decision. In Texas there is no legal separation to protect myself physically or financially so it was my only choice legally. God is a God of restoration and healing. I had to leave my situation in order for Him to do so for myself and my boys. I listened for years to those preaching how divorce causes a physical tear and creates a whole for Satan to get to our children and grandchildren. Guess what? Wise counsel asked me..do you really think God isn’t bigger than the tear? God hates divorce. He equally hates a bad marriage. He equally hated seeing the destruction. He also carried me until He said I could be done. I do not regret staying or divorcing. I see His hand in it all.
I too was married for 32 years. I filed for divorce when I realized I was fighting alone for the marriage. My ex used that to manipulate two of my children. My oldest son broke the destructive behavior and has believed in me. I still pray that my three children will be a cord of three strands not easily broken Ecclesiastes 4:12 God will bring that about one day I just believe that they will love each other again. I do pray for my ex it’s been difficult for me but I believe God has plans for my life that couldn’t have come about as long as I was in a destructive marriage. I came across you Elizabeth when I got my apartment and I was desperate to hear from other women going through similar situations and to hear your words of encouragement thank you so much