Pretty much everyone who has ever been married or found themselves in a hard marriage or on the other side of divorce – in Christian culture – has heard someone tell them that “God hates divorce”, pulling from Malachi 2:16 (NLT) that says, “’For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel.”
These words are typically used as a tool to keep someone from divorcing, or sadly, to point out why someone’s life is so difficult post-divorce, as in, Well, what did you expect? God hates divorce… (By the way, that’s called adding insult to injury. That’s called being mean. That’s called the opposite of showing grace and empathy. If that’s all you have to say to someone in my position as a divorced woman, please say nothing.)
One of the first rules of Scripture interpretation, though, is context. Why did God say those words? Who was he saying them to? What else did he say in that same passage?
This passage was written during a time when men, mostly leaders, were divorcing their wives without cause. And if you think women are a bit more vulnerable now and get the shaft post-divorce these days, women back then were pretty much done for if their husbands divorced them. So these words came at a specific time to address an issue that is actually opposite of what you might think. God wasn’t saying “I hate divorce” to address the abused woman in an effort to motivate her to buck up or to shame her into staying; he was actually addressing the throw-away-wife man and telling him what he was doing was wrong and that he despised it.
And again, context, because if anyone even looked up this verse, they’d see that the very next words in Malachi 2:16 (NLT) are, “’And I hate the man who does wrong to his wife,’ says the Lord of All. ’So be careful in your spirit, and be one who can be trusted.’”
And look at it in the New International Version, “’The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.”
In other words, God hates the man who tosses out his wife, who hurts his wife, who mistreats her, who covers her with violence, especially so because the husband is supposed to be her protector.
God’s heart all across Scripture is towards the vulnerable. God’s heart all across Scripture is grace and mercy. God calls himself our strong tower, our refuge, our help in times of trouble.
In Proverbs 6:16-19 it lists off seven things that God hates: “A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren.”
For some women, this is the description of their entire marriage. God’s clear intention for marriage is for it to be a representation of how Christ and the Church are in relationship together. There is love, mutuality, care. There is no violence, no unnecessary harshness, no power trips, no lying, no wickedness.
(Let me state for the gazillionth time: I am not a proponent of every woman just up and leaving her marriage for any reason. But I am saying that I believe God hates abuse of every kind, including – or perhaps especially – in marriage, and if the husband refuses to stop and get help, that’s where grace must step in and cover over when the husband won’t do what he’s supposed to be doing.)
I believe that applying “God hates divorce” to the case of the abused woman looking for biblical counsel on whether or not she can leave her marriage to an unrepentant, abusive man is similar to someone taking “Jesus wept” and saying that Jesus shows compassion on the teenager who broke curfew and now can’t have her phone for a week. (Okay, slight stretch, but hopefully you get my point.) That in and of itself is an abuse of Scripture and abusing the heart of an already-hurting woman.
Scripture is our guide, absolutely. It is God’s very word to us. But let’s be very careful that we don’t wield it as a weapon against those who are already in so much pain and are in desperate need of our help and support.
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One of the best commentaries on this subject I’ve ever seen. Thank-you
Powerful. Having two younger sisters who both divorced in the last four years (when their “great Christian guy” husbands walked out), I do know this part of the conversation needs to be shared. I see it mishandled often as well in my role as the director of women’s ministry. Appreciate what you had to say today!
~Steph
God hates divorce, he hates all sin. I hate divorce, too. But to limit the subject to one verse taken out of context is very short-sighted. Thank you for sharing, these truths are coming to the surfase in the Christian culture.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Thank you for this, Elizabeth. I’ve done the same for those who have wielded this verse against me like a weapon – and when I point out the context, as well as all the OTHER things God hates, they start to soften and to understand God’s heart for the wounded and for those who faced impossible situations like addiction, emotional abuse, and utter dysfunction in their marriages.
Well, why does God ‘hate’ anything? It is not cause something causes Him to fall off His throne or something! Nothing moves Him. The only reason He hates something is because He is pure love and light and certain things…such as evil…just can’t be where He is…then because He hates anything that causes harm after harm to us! So, why would He want us to deliberately stay where these things are happening?
Elisabeth…so appreciate your honesty and God’s truth….Yes, He hates divorce but loves the divorcee due to His grace but all sin brings consequences in time…We often judge by mere appearances as Jesus emphatically tells us not to in John 7:24 but to make a right judgment…and that is not possibly unless we have all the facts…Elisabeth…continue to stand tall for Jesus and righteousness and in His perfect timing it will be amazing to see all that God will unfold for you through the darkness…as His Great Light shines through you for His Honor and Glory…much love sent to you my sister in Christ….
Elisabeth that is what the enemy used to keep me out of Church for so long. People telling me that. I had one person go as far as to tell me that he doesn’t forgive it. After much scripture searching and prayer, I felt better. I was still very immature spiritually but I read and searched and prayed earnestly. The situation came again and she said it again. I finally had to speak up! ” Do you mean that God can forgive a murderer but not me because I have been divorced? Do you mean that God can forgive thieves but not me? Do you mean that he can even forgive you for passing judgement on me and condemning me to hell, but he can’t forgive me? Do you mean that my ex husband can be forgiven for abandoning me and my children but not divorce? Do you mean that his word that says “there is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus” is wrong? ” I had finally had it! Yes, I believe marriage is meant to last a lifetime but, it didn’t work out that way with my first marriage. I believe God still loves me. 🙂
Thank you, Elisabeth…
Thank you for this post Elisabeth. My husband uses this scripture against me all the time, among others to guilt me, and sadly I admit that it has worked. Honestly this scripture has been, at times, my sole reason for staying and putting up with so much. But I had the strength to finally tell my husband that while God hates divorce, he also hates a man who doesn’t keep his vows and love and honor and cherish his wife and marriage as Christ loved the church. Maybe the words got through and maybe they didn’t, I’m not really sure. Either way it’s nice to know that I can have hope that I’m not doomed to burn for all eternity if this does happen to end in divorce( although that’s not what I want)
Thanks again for this post and outlook on these words. You are really an encouraging person 🙂
I can’t tell you how many times I heard that phrase while in the church my ex and I attended. I was in constant fear of my alcoholic husband, then would go to women’s discipleship, small group, worship service and hear, “God hates divorce.”, as a matter of fact, period. More fear, I remember thinking “Is it wrong for me to hope my husband dies? That way God will still love me and I can be free.” I’ve been divorced for 2 years and am slowly healing, I do believe God still loves me but I still can’t go back to church (any church) and feel safe. The whole thing is very sad.
Wow, I was so happy to read this. As many of the others have said. My husband and the church leadership have used this over and over to me. It kept me going back to a sex addicted husband of 40 years. I did not know he was into porn and masturbating, and looking for women and undressing them all the time. A great Christian man of God I thought I had married. 2 days into the honeymoon I catch him masturbating, after he had had it with me all night. I knew it was not how I was raised. I knew it was wrong, but he said of course, I’ll not do it anymore. God hates divorce, God put us together. Blah blah blah. He was born in the church he comes from a family known quite well around the world. His Grand parents were pastors first of this church in Portland Or., then his uncle took over for 44 years. He to spiritually abused me. Every time I caught him, we went to the church. Only to be sent home to “have more sex, try harder, pray more” yup. Now I have forgiven and forgiven as God has told me. I have forgiven again, but this time God said “Let go of him , and I the Lord your God will take care of him.” Before this was said, when I found the porn,mins at there numb. I felt the knife in my heart take one last turn and fall out, falling down my lap and on to the floor. My heart actually hurt.
I moved away 18 months ago. My divorce is almost final. He went to 8 months of Pure Desire counseling , but has no accountability partners. He says he doesn’t need them, he can do this on his own now. His lies and telling my grown kids all about what he wants them to hear, and what is in the divorce decree, has ruined my relationship with my Daughter mostly. My Son has some of his own problems, but he talks to me and confides in me. My Daughter and her husband are pastor of a church in New York. Some of he first words my Son In Law said to me were ” God hates divorce you know” . And he hasn’t said 10 sentences to me since. I am not welcome to their home anymore, or for right now anyway. Cause I know that someday GOD will show them the truth, and my husbands lies will be put to hell. No one says anything to him at church, cuz he tells them that I walked out of an40 year marriage and abandoned him. Yup!
Anyway, I am sharing this message with my friends and my Brothers, but my kids don’t see my post anymore. They don’t like me standing up for righteousness. I know it’s shameful, and it hurts, boy do I know the hurt, but the bible says “tell your sins one to another , so that YOU might be healed. The secrets must STOP. As there has been this sin in his family for generations. Need I say more? Thank you for your post. It was what I needed. Bless you Elizabeth.
Honestly I have never met anyone who said she wanted to leave her marriage and was encouraged to, but I have realized that when some are bold enough to do so, the same people who asked them to stay confess that they were afraid to encourage them to leave.
Great post! Shared this on Facebook. I wish I had known this 20+ years ago. And I wish the Church understood this. I was shamed, not believed, and very hurt by the responses I got from church leaders and a lot of other Christians.
Keep up the good work, Elisabeth!
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing, Alora. And I’m so sorry for your pain being multiplied by others. -Elisabeth
Wow! Thank you for being a vessel for the Lord. Beautiful words that bring much encouragement. Love to all my sisters who are going through such season. Let us remember that we are more then overcomers in Him!
Thank you for the sweet comment, Ana.
Thank you again Elisabeth for truth, and restoring sanity to those of us who have been fed distorted versions of God’s word. Everytime I read something like this it is validating, and painful. Painful to revisit the wounds, and painful that this is so common.