{originally written in March of 2015, two months before I remarried}
Let me say this upfront: I like Tall-Shadow. I love Tall-Shadow. I’m in love with Tall-Shadow. And I believe to my core that he likes, loves and is in love with me right back.
I mean, c’mon…
Let me also say upfront: I believe God is in this.
So when I say I’m scared to get married again, I do not mean I am scared to get married to my sweet man.
I think when I say I’m scared I mean a few things.
One, that all of my quirks that he thinks are now adorable will turn into annoyances and he will stop liking me and stop thinking I’m cute. You know, things like how I hate waking up to a dishwasher full of clean dishes. (I’d rather stay up late and unload or not start a full dishwasher til the morning. I have no idea why.) Or like how I have a fifty-seven step (okay, maybe eight-step) morning routine. And how I get a little, umm, something, when it’s disrupted. Or like how I really, really prefer getting ready by myself instead of sharing the bathroom. Or…I can go on. Trust me, I can go on.
Two, that all of my quirks that I have gotten used to will be impeded upon, and I will become not so nice anymore. You know, because I’m high maintenance. And I’ve, at this point, been living as a single person for four-and-a-half-years. And because I’m old (-ish). And because I’m set in my ways. And because I’m way less go-with-the-flow than he gives me credit for. And because I’m stubborn. And because I can be super selfish.
But those are kinda little things. So I think even more than all that, are these bigger things.
Three, that the other shoe will drop, because the part of me that has seen so much relational pain believes deep down that the other shoe always, always drops.
And what will happen if we get married and I wake up and…
…he stops loving me? (Though I’ve never been more consistently loved in my life.)
…he’s mean to me? (Though he’s never been mean to me.)
…an addiction crops up? (Though if he had one, I’d know by now.)
…we start fighting all the time? (Though he and I get along really, really, really well.)
(I want to be clear: these fears are fears I would have with any future husband of mine; it’s not as if I’ve seen red flags with Tall-Shadow that I am pretending aren’t there. Not at all.)
But lastly and possibly most significantlly, I am doubting my ability to be a good wife. Or, more to the point, to be a wife period. I was called some horrible things over the years: liar, moron, out of my mind, and idiot was implied on a regular basis. Hearing those words once would sting. Hearing those words for years changes your self-perception and self-worth. Well, not just changes it, makes it disappear. I saw myself through someone else’s lens. And though I have done some major healing work these past three or four years, the thought of remarrying has woken up my demons and they are whispering to me again.
You don’t have what it takes to be married.
You’re going to fail him.
You’re going to hurt him.
It won’t last (because of you).
Marriage is hard for the average girl; but you are beyond deeply flawed.
You’re an ass, remember?
You make life a living hell, remember?
But these fears are the fears of a girl whose heart has been deeply wounded, broken into a million pieces, discarded, not protected, lied to, not fought for, abused, manipulated.
These fears are the fears of a girl who is overlaying her past – unfairly – onto her present and future.
These fears are the fears of a girl who is – in tiny moments – forgetting that she’s come a long way, forgetting that she’s been brought deep healing to counteract the deep wounding, forgetting that the man who stands in front of her today is a new man to her, with baggage, yes, (just as I have baggage) but not hurtful baggage between us.
Here’s the thing. I’d be a fool not to have these kinds of thoughts. I’m not a twenty-two-year old with no experience being married. I know what a hard marriage looks like. And I believe that God gave us the sweet gift of memory so that we can avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. And so therefore, I should be cautious and mindful as I approach my second marriage. It would be unwise of me not to be.
And yet, I am marrying a man who, and we have a relationship that, is as different as my first as night is from day. I am not replicating patterns. I did learn from my past and I have course-corrected.
But here’s the other thing that I seem to be forgetting. I very well could wake up one day to all of those horrible things happening. (Just as sweet Tall-Shadow could wake up to me being not who he thought I was either, because we are both human.) But even if that’s the case…then there’s God. And I believe that even if everything isn’t okay, that everything will EVENTUALLY be okay, and it will all be alright, and we will both get through.
So I’m not bracing myself for the worst, by any means. But I need to walk headlong into my future knowing that some bad may befall us. And yet I must choose to hold in my other hand, that if it does, we’ll figure it out, and we’ll be okay, and grace will carry us along.
If this post encouraged you (or challenged you!), you would benefit from some of my other divorce-related resources:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein, specifically this conversation with my husband about divorce: https://bit.ly/atts-conversation-with-husband-about-divorce
*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
*Lies We Tell Ourselves webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/lies-we-tell/
*my 3-month e-course, Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc
*Surviving as a Christian Single Mom: www.elisabethklein.com/books
*Are You Ready to Date quiz: https://elisabethklein.com/partner-quiz/
Thank you for sharing this – yes, the memory is very real and there are likely triggers that “marriage” brings to mind from the previous marriage. You are wise to consider them and to self-talk through the process. I appreciate your tenderness to share such things with the rest of us.
Most of all, I think you bring your thoughts back to the right point: “But God…” Even in the worst case scenario, I know that God will see us through, bring each of us through.”
Getting married for a second time was one of the greatest acts of faith I have taken in this lifetime. The first year was soooo challenging for me personally, as I took on the emotions of my children sharing a home, his children, and the normal ups and downs of life. But it has also been the number one, most rewarding earthly relationship and I would wish the same love for each of my own children. That is the measure by which I seem to count success!
Best wishes – when is your wedding? I’m rooting for you both!
Missy- “But God.. A GREATEST ACT OF FAITH”… Most reading earthly relationship… ” Thank you for your words. 🙂
Wow! Elisabeth, that hit the mark!
Thank you, Alora!
Oh, wow…thank you for sharing. I could have authored this myself. I AM GETTING REMARRIED FRIDAY! It’s been three years. Thank you for sharing about your fears…I was just getting ready to write a blog on that very subject. Feels so good to know I am not alone…but we are both going to stand on FAITH in our Savior and know that, whatever does happen in this life, He will provide a way! God bless you, Elisabeth!
Thank you for sharing your fears so openly! I would feel the exact same way, I am sure.
I’m only one-year post-divorce, so I’m not sure I even want to date ever again, yet. Those hurtful words (“crazy,” “controlling,” etc.) still ring in my head. Thankfully my counselor (and even my son’s counselor – a man) tell me constantly to “turn the channel.” Accept God’s feelings towards me and get rid of the negative. I’m working on that. Like you said, I don’t want to “replicate patterns.” I don’t want to ignore red flags like I did the first time.
I just found your blog last week. So glad that I did. Great encouragement and hope for the future.
May God bless your marriage… not just your wedding day!!
Such a tender, transparent post. I relate to everything you said. Although I’m not even dating and can’t stomach the thought of it right now, I understand each and every fear you mentioned.
I am praying God will guide you every step of the way and that your marriage will be blessed abundantly!!
Oh how timely! As I pin idea after idea to my dream wedding board on Pinterest… as I prepare for my remarriage in November to a man that is as in love with me as I am with him. This article resembles an insecure conversation that I had with him last night. My insecurities. My questions…. “Are you sure you know what you’re getting into with me and these 57 kids?” But God…. 🙂 I, too, have learned from my past marriage and I, too, am not who the lies say that I am. I am who GOD says that I am. A Princess and a Warrior. Thank you for your raw, poignant article.
When my friends talk with me about remarriage, I tell them this: I am good at loving my kids, I am good at loving my friends, but I am horrible at loving my spouse. I am not good at being a wife. They are always surprised by my answer, yet I continue to feel this way. So I totally get your post. Unfortunately.
Thanks so much for sharing from your heart once again. I had all those feelings when I remarried in September 2011. From what I have seen from your posts, God brought you and “Tall-Shadow” together and when you acknowledge that, and always put God at the centre of your marriage, then no matter what lies ahead of you, you have your faith and each other, and the love and support of family and friends (and online friends!), to be there for you.
THANK YOU again, Elisabeth, for putting my thoughts into words so much better than I could have! I forwarded the link to this article to my boyfriend, with whom I’ve shared these fears. His reply? “This sounds just like you!” He is scared too, and this post led to a good conversation with him. Thank you, and God bless you and your family and your upcoming marriage.
Your thoughts and feelings are so normal, especially when we get healthy from our previous abusive relationship. Just know that God is in this, He isn’t a God of confusion, so since you have been listening to Him, He isn’t lying to you! Sometimes just jumping in feet first, leaving our fears at the foot of the cross, is all we can do! Even into two years of a wonderful second marriage (my husband just told me last night how much he appreciates me and thanked me for being his wife….so sweet) I still get triggered by some actions (some that just look close to what I had been through) and it still takes me deep, even after 5 years of divorce, so don’t be surprised, just be able to recognize them and talk them out with your husband, cry a little and learn from it. Many of us were “years” of abuse, so we can’t expect those triggers to just all go away in just a few. Be courageous and know you are an overcomer !!! We are more than conquerors with Jesus as our guide 🙂
Lori, I am also two years (almost) remarried and still deal with some triggers and crazy moments. I’m so glad you shared because it just helps me know I’m not the only one dealing with things. I’m so grateful for another opportunity to be a wife and influence on my step daughters!
I relate most to the “other shoe dropping.” I remember feeling the same when I remarried the man of my dreams. I was (and still am, 6 years later) crazy in love with him, and couldn’t WAIT to marry him. However, when we have lived in such painful marriages for SOOOO long (20 years for me), I believe we are somewhat conditioned to believe we will NEVER be happy again, or even worse, that we don’t DESERVE to be happy. Not true.
I couldn’t have found this piece at a better time. Sometimes my fear of getting into a committed relationship again causes me overwhelming anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if my feelings are normal……..what your wrote sums up my thoughts EXACTLY!!!! I’m so glad to know I am not alone and what I am feeling is natural. Thank you so much for posting this. I wish you and your hubby a lifetime of happiness together 🙂
Eleven years…. I’ve been on my own, raising (almost done now) my kids on my own, for 11 years. I’m seeing a wonderful man who recently began talking rings. It makes me so happy! Really happy! And terrified. I echo all this above and more. I’ve been doing things — everything — a certain way, without having to consider another adult’s schedule, opinion, needs, preferences, etc… for a long, long time now. I’ve slept alone (well, except for my dog!) for 11 years. What if I am a terrible wife? What if I suck at this and make him regret marrying me?? The struggle is real, and I really did not expect it to be at all.