“You are not your client’s friend.”
“Say the things that no one else is saying to her.”
But I don’t want to. I want to just tell her she’s amazing and to keep going and Jesus loves her.
I’ve had a few clients who have made choices I wouldn’t make, who made choices I thought were not just wrong but sinful.
I’m not the best coach for clients like this because I’m not great at saying those super hard things that I know they won’t want to hear.
So, I thought it might be helpful for me to say a few things that I’ve wanted to say over the years here in black and white to get it out of my system.
1. No, you do not have biblical grounds to divorce.
Because not being quote-unquote happy or not feeling like you can quote-unquote be yourself with him or he doesn’t do your honey-do list or take you on dates (et cetera, et cetera) are not biblical grounds to end your covenant of marriage.
2. I’m sure the man you’re dating is great, but…
You’re not divorced yet, which means you are still married, which means you are being unfaithful.
You just got divorced and you are nowhere near ready to move on yet and dating too soon will hijack your healing and put your heart, your children and your future relationship in jeopardy, no matter how okay you already feel.
You’ve done zero work on grieving or processing your first marriage and your hope that some man can come into your life and make everything better will only hurt you in the long run.
He doesn’t share your faith, which means you two would be unequally yoked, which Scripture warns against because God loves you and your heart matters to him and it will be more painful than you’re imagining now; even if he treats you better than your last husband.
No, just because you had sex already with your first husband or you’re a grown-up doesn’t make the “do not commit fornication” Scripture invalid. You should still not be having sex if you’re not married.
The point of your life is not to find a (good) man and get married or remarried. It’s to fall in love with Jesus and let him lead you and fill you up and transform you and use you to be a light.
3. Happiness is not the point of life.
Happiness is great, but happiness (root word: happen) is fleeting. Instead, pursue Jesus, pursue holiness, pursue wholeheartedness (spiritually, relationally, mentally, emotionally, physically), and joy and contentment and, yes, even happiness can follow.
If you aim your arrow towards happy, you’ll rarely hit the target and spend your life in disappointment and even resentment. If you reach for Jesus and his love, he will walk you through everything and bring a depth to your life that you will never regret.
If you’ve been a client and I’ve ever left you off the hook with some watered-down message, I’m so very sorry. I will have to account for all the words I’ve said but also for all the words I’ve withheld out of fear.
And if you’re in need of some support, coaching and prayer – and you’re still willing to work with me after reading all this harshness!, start by filling out this coaching questionnaire.
Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. -Proverbs 13:20
If you have a young adult who either is leaving soon or has already transitioned out, and you could use some support in processing and grieving this season well, join me for:
Emptying Your Nest – a four-week group coaching experience – will help you:
grieve & process
practice letting go in tangible ways
allow you to begin to rediscover yourself and who God created you to be
point you to God the Father who lets us go over and over every moment
We’re getting started next Tuesday, July 20, and I’m offering two levels of support.
4 weekly readings
4 weekly reflection exercises
access to a private Facebook group
all of the above plus
one thirty-minute coaching call with me