To say it can be difficult to keep walking the Christian walk in the middle of all the adversity of living in a difficult marriage is an understatement. To say it can be harrowing to stay sane while living in crazy town is also putting it lightly. For some of us, it pushes us even deeper into the heart of God, and yet for others, we’re so disillusioned with years of apparent unanswered prayers that we teeter on the verge of giving up on God altogether, and we end up taking on some of the crazy-making ourselves.

One of the reasons this relational pain is so insidious is that it infiltrates our safest spaces – our marriage, our family, our home. At the place where we are supposed to be able to let our guard down, to fully be ourselves, to count on unconditional love and support, we are attacked.  So here are some of the ways I attempted to continue to follow what I knew to be true during the most pain-filled stretch of my life.

[Reminder: If you or your children are physically or sexually unsafe, find a place to stay while you figure out your next steps. And if you or your children are emotionally unsafe, ask a trusted friend or counselor to help you put some boundaries in place to protect your hearts.]

Stay close to God.
For me, this meant daily quiet times consisting of prayer and Scripture reading, whether I always felt like it or not; regular church attendance, worship and service; and a commitment to a small group Bible study group where I was able to share what I was going through.

Hold your tongue.
I failed at this several times a day in my first marriage and I’m still working on keeping my mouth shut when what I’m about to say has either already been said or might hurt unnecessarily. To quote Dr. Henry Cloud, “Having unexpressed thoughts is an essential life skill. Knowing which thoughts to express {and which to keep to yourself and/or give to God} is a skill.” Newflash, ladies: not everything you’re thinking needs to be said, especially if it’s unkind.

If I could have you memorize one prayer, it would be this: “Post a guard over my mouth, God.” –Psalm 141:3  You don’t have to apologize and you will feel no regret over words not spoken in the heat of the moment.

Keep your side of the street clean.
Whatever it is you’re asking or wanting your spouse to do, make sure you’re doing it. For instance, if you want to see his text messages, make sure your phone is always out in the open as well.

And when you mess up with your husband – and you will – apologize. The words may feel like vinegar on your tongue, especially if your husband tends to never apologize, but you are responsible for you.

Live your life.
One of the best things you can do to keep walking the walk is to not let your sadness define every aspect of your life, which I know will take much effort. If you want to take a walk with a friend, take a walk. If you want to go to a concert, go to a concert. If you want to take a class, take a class. Your promised abundant life begins now, not somewhere down the road when your circumstances are rosier.

Listen, I know that I know that I know that being in a hard marriage is hands-down one of the deepest pains a woman can walk through. My heart goes out to you. I was you, for so very long. And I don’t know what your relational fate is – miraculous marriage restoration, releasing, another man somewhere down the road. And you don’t know that today either. But what you can know is that today…this day…God loves you, God sees you, God will never ever let you go. You are not alone and you have hope, because Christ himself is our hope.

God, not your marital status, defines your life. -I Corinthians 7:17 (msg)

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