I seem to have a pattern with men (and by pattern I mean that this has happened maybe two or three times in my life). Ready?
What they offer me (in my head) isn’t enough.
I don’t say this like a diva who thinks she deserves the sun and the moon and stars, because I don’t. I say that as in, even when I’m given an inordinate amount of affirmation, when my cup overfloweth, I realize that I leak. That I’m bottomless. That I want – or more to the point, I convince myself, I need – more. Stat.
I discussed this with my mentor several years ago because it’s an issue and I didn’t know what to do about it. I told her that though I recognize in my head that what I’m being told is not only good and wonderful, but that it’s abundant and lavish, that my heart still sometimes seems to scream out for more, more, more. And I wanted to know why, especially as I am living a full life of my own, doing things I love, with sweet friends to walk with me, kids who are awesome, a church I find solace in, et cetera. And I wanted to know what to do about it. Because it’s frustrating to me (not just to me) and this thing of mine has the capacity to drive me nuts (and drive others away). And it leaves me feeling…..unsettled.
She, of course, had some thoughts. She pointed out that I have some wounds from my past, and that though I’ve done the work of looking at them from every angle and going to counseling and reading books and asking Jesus to help me and heal me, it’s sort of like if I were created to have two lungs, but I only had one. And so I spent my life compensating for just having the one. Yes, I was able to live. But each deep breath took extra effort and yet was still a bit stifled. And though I exercised and asked Jesus to help me, he’s not about to regenerate a new second lung.
I will always have these wounds of mine. They will always be a part of who I am. I am much more whole now than I ever have been, and I have learned to cope with them and work around them and protect myself and others from them, for the most part, but just like I wouldn’t just magically wake up with a new lung, I will never be fully released from the effects of my past.
And what my past has done has left me insecure. (Something I hate, by the way.) (Then again, I wouldn’t beat myself up for only having one lung…..so I suppose accepting my reality and showing myself grace might not be a bad idea here.) I have fears of being unloved and abandoned that follow me around, that linger as background noise in my day-to-day, that haunt me. It heightens my sense of loneliness and it can sometimes make me clingy and needy as all get out. (I pity the fool who tries to get close. #run)
However…..though I will not be completely relieved from this deficit, this longing, this deep need this side of heaven (though I am praying that I will be, or at least the maturity to handle it better) until I am a part of the fullness of Christ in the heavenly realm, as my mentor reminded me, I still don’t have to let it drive my every thought and word and action.
I may feel bottomless. I may feel like I leak. And, at times, I do. Sometimes the one hundred and one good words just don’t feel like enough..…where is that one hundred and second? What’s a girl gotta do around here?
And in those moments, I must come to a place of recognizing that panicky feeling, that feeling like I really do only have one lung, that feeling like it’s going to end soon, that perhaps it already has and I haven’t noticed. And then, I must give that feeling to Jesus. I absolutely must. He does not promise to take away all our yucky feelings. But he promises to be with us in them. When my mind is racing and my heart is anxious, I can tell him. I can ask him for peace. I can pretend it’s in my hand and I can lift my hand to the sky and ask Jesus to take it from me. And then I can turn my attention to something else. To the task in front of me. To whatever person is in the room with me. To my redemptive work. To the beauty of nature. To praying for someone in need.
And I can remind myself that what I have is a gift. That it’s more than I had in years’ past and it is more than enough…..it’s gratefully more than enough.
I have to admit, sometimes doing all of these steps doesn’t take away that swirling feeling. And that’s okay. It’s all okay. Of course I’m bottomless. (You are too, in your own quirky, big and little ways.) But if I weren’t…..if we weren’t…..we wouldn’t need Jesus. And I am so grateful that I need him. {post originally written in 2015}
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Elisabeth, God is using you in my life. Yet again I read a blog that makes me say, “So, I’m not alone feeling like this?” And then it challenges me to see a new perspective or keep going or whatever the message is for that day. Thank you and keep writing!
Sheila, I am so, so glad you feel a little bit less alone when you read what I write. That makes my day. -Elisabeth
I can soooo relate. Thank you for sharing.
Elisabeth,
Thankful with you that “Jesus is Enough”. It is through the pain, difficulty and continuing to turn to Him that we find Him totally faithful to His Word.
Praying!
Blessings in Christ,
Thank you, Carolyn! -Elisabeth
How do you DOOO that?
Speak RIGHT where I’m at?
thank you Jesus.
thank you Beth.
Jen, I have no idea, so I’m going to go with the Holy Spirit must be involved somehow. 🙂 Grateful to be an encouragement to you. -Elisabeth
Sometimes when I read your posts, I think you are being too hard on yourself. This is one of those times.
From how you have described your marriage, you were living on skinny love. Yes, Jesus meets our needs, but He created relationships so that people would love each other. It is a natural thing that a marriage includes lots of love, but if there isn’t a reasonable amount of love being given, it leaves a deficit.
It’s like being starved because food is being withheld. Maybe he didn’t have any love to give, I don’t know, but the point is that you did not receive the love that is natural in a marriage relationship and you are left in a position of having been starved.
A new relationship will not fix the deficit caused in a previous relationship, but there are some things you can do that may help.
First recognize that you did not get the love that is necessary to sustain a healthy relationship and it is not your fault. The problem is that love was withheld from you. It’s not that you are leaky and cannot get enough love. It’s that you are carrying around a bucket that was not filled and you are trying to fill it.
You are still trying to fill a bucket that is from a relationship that has ended. Perhaps closure of that particular issue would help.
Give the bucket to Jesus. You do not need that bucket anymore.
Forgive him for withholding that which was due you. I am assuming he vowed to love you, but he did not give you the love he promised. Forgive him for not giving you the love he promised to give you.
Let go of the expectation of the love that he should have given you. It is over. You no longer need his love.
Ask the Lord to fill that emptiness where the love should have been and to close that need from your marriage. Closure of that issue is necessary for you to move forward. Otherwise you will continue to seek to fill the emptiness and to carry around the bucket from the old relationship.
Receive the fulfillment of your needs and throw away the old bucket. Ask the Lord to give you a fresh start and to enjoy the love you receive today. Focus on letting God’s love flow through you to others. When you give, you will be continuously filled with God’s love.
I hope this is helpful and a blessing. Please don’t be so hard on yourself like you are some kind of leaky, defective vessel. You are not.
Thank you for these kind words, Cynthia. I will take them to heart. -Elisabeth
Cynthia,
Thank you for this visual image! I have often felt just like Beth described: needy to the point of self-centeredness. I’ve grown so much and no longer struggle in the same ways, but still feel the twinges of insecurity on many levels. This image helps me to realize that when I do that, I’m picking up my OLD bucket, not the new vessel the Lord has given me.
I want to dwell more on this and expand the thoughts – thank yoU!
I don’t want to pick up my old bucket either, Missy. Only new. -Elisabeth
Beth, you PERFECTLY articulated exactly how I feel! It’s so cool to know that I am not alone in this feeling. I have boyfriend and I realize it’s a little soon but he makes me so happy in how he speaks to me and how he treats me. I still experience that bottomless feeling sometimes though and it feels good to know that it is normal for what I have experienced. I have to consciously remind myself that this man isn’t my ex and stop projecting onto him what Brad has done to me because he ISN’T Brad! I even told new guy last week about my nightmare that I was back with Brad and the flashback induced freak out I had the following day. His response was that he was just going to have to hold me extra tight that night 🙂 so sweet I almost puked. I’m finally letting myself enjoy him and not waiting for something bad to happen like I did with Brad. I love you Elisabeth and I’m so grateful for you!
Jerilyn, my dear, you are so not alone. -Elisabeth
Oh my gosh, you totally read mind! Thanks for putting it into words!!!! I feel a surge of relief.
Bilinda, I’m so glad to hear this! -Elisabeth
One lung! That explains it – very helpful to me today! thank you!
Wasn’t that good, Chris?? I wish I could bottle my mentor for everyone. Keep reading and commenting! -Elisabeth
My Take Away: And what my past has done has left me insecure. (Something I hate, by the way.) (Then again, I wouldn’t beat myself up for only having one lung…..so I suppose accepting my reality and showing myself grace might not be a bad idea here.) I have fears of being unloved and abandoned that follow me around, that linger as background noise in my day-to-day, that haunt me. It heightens my sense of loneliness and it can sometimes make me clingy and needy as all get out. (I pity the fool who tries to get close. #run)
Well, once again you have put words to my current, almost daily battle. Whew!! This is hard work!
Kim, it totally is hard work, but it’s the sweet work of abiding in Christ. Keep walking, girl. -Elisabeth
Yes, Elisabeth, once again you are inside my skin…I have told so many of my friends how much you have ministered to me…after I have my devotions in the morning, I check my IPod for your postings…because they always speak to me where I am at…and I KNOW it is the Holy Spirit speaking to me through you…thanks for your transparency and authenticity…and I like the new audios too! I shared your ministry with our Women’s Ministry Director…Blessings and Hugs to you…I have been very needy too, but I have amazing friends who help me and keep pointing me back to Him…I feel your pain, but also your hope and the hope you help point us toward…: )
Ohhh, CeCe, that is the sweetest thing ever to hear you check your iPod after your quiet time. That means a lot to me. I’m so glad I can encourage you. And thanks for passing my info along to your WM Director…I’m not sure where you’re located, but I’d love to come speak at your church sometime! -Elisabeth
Have you ever looked into Freedom Life Skills? I went through their Christian based program and it was life changing in helping me to deal with my past and how to truly heal from it. They teach you how to be healthy so you can accept true love in a relationship because you know your value and love yourself. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself!
I feel this so much! I feel pathetic and dumb and like I should be over those feelings of worthlessness. My new guy gives me so much affirmation it’s not even funny, but then I turn around and say it’s not enough, and I feel like a heel! But I’m really just trying to breathe with one lunch. Thank you for sharing your realness and rawness. It truly does help to know that I’m not alone.