In my lifetime, not including what’s going on right now, I have lived through four break-ups, including my divorce (from a grand total of two guys). And in those break-ups, something bad had happened that had caused the relationship to end.

Which is why, in part, I think this particular recent relationship ending has thrown me for a bit of a different kind of loop.

I know how to end things and grieve and move on after something bad happens. (Heck, I’ve pretty much built my career on it!)

But getting over a man who treated me well across the board? Losing a best friend? Brand new concepts for me.

One of my girlfriends asked me if I had picked my break-up song yet. I told her I wasn’t ready for one. But I realize that I’m not going to be ready for one.

This quote-unquote break-up isn’t following the standard stages of grieving because a) we never really were a couple and b) there’s nothing, really, for me to be angry about. (Ha! Some might say I’m stuck in the denial stage then. Perhaps, but I don’t think that’s the case.)

So, I mean, if there’s a quote-unquote break-up song that basically says thank you for being amazingly kind to me for five months and I’m praying for you to have the best Jesus-y life ever and I will always care for you and be grateful for you (but maybe please don’t find your future wife in the next couple weeks not that it’s my business), then yes, that can be my quote-unquote break-up song. (Hit me up in the comments if you come across something like that on Pandora. Gotye maybe? Anything by Taylor Swift? Yeah, I didn’t think so.*)

And I think I’ve been waiting to turn the corner from sadness to anger. But it occurred to me that I don’t think I’m going to, that maybe I don’t have to.

I wrote this in my journal:

I don’t know how to hold in one hand “I loved this good man and I miss his friendship and care about his heart and life” and in the other “I’m so over it…his loss” {z-snap}. I’m not mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing for me to be angry about.

And later that day…

You don’t have to stop loving him. You don’t have to make him the bad guy. He’s not a bad guy. How can I not, for the rest of my life, at least with a small piece of my heart, love him a little bit after all he meant to me and did for me and how well he loved me even in that short time and how much healing and joy and hope and fun and self-confidence restoration he brought me? How can I not be grateful to him and for him for the rest of my life for undoing all he undid in my head and heart?

I can let go and still allow a small part of me to love and care for him. There are no villains here. Some things just end.

Now, if you’re going through a break-up and it was bad…if your heart were trampled…yes, please go through every step of the grieving process, including anger (though be careful not to sin in your anger, sweet ones…no getting back…no retaliation…no game-playing…no bitterness taking root).

But as for me, I’m having to craft a new path here. It’s not cut and dry. It’s not he-hurt-me-so-he-can-just-bite-me. It’s just not playing out that way. Not all situations call for I-am-woman-hear-me-roar.

So my prayer continues…help me let him goI give him to you…heal and hold my heart.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me because…He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted…”Luke 4:18

P.S. Okay, so this is probably the closest I’m getting to a break-up song.

If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found
here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.

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