In my lifetime, not including what’s going on right now, I have lived through four break-ups, including my divorce (from a grand total of two guys). And in those break-ups, something bad had happened that had caused the relationship to end.
Which is why, in part, I think this particular recent relationship ending has thrown me for a bit of a different kind of loop.
I know how to end things and grieve and move on after something bad happens. (Heck, I’ve pretty much built my career on it!)
But getting over a man who treated me well across the board? Losing a best friend? Brand new concepts for me.
One of my girlfriends asked me if I had picked my break-up song yet. I told her I wasn’t ready for one. But I realize that I’m not going to be ready for one.
This quote-unquote break-up isn’t following the standard stages of grieving because a) we never really were a couple and b) there’s nothing, really, for me to be angry about. (Ha! Some might say I’m stuck in the denial stage then. Perhaps, but I don’t think that’s the case.)
So, I mean, if there’s a quote-unquote break-up song that basically says thank you for being amazingly kind to me for five months and I’m praying for you to have the best Jesus-y life ever and I will always care for you and be grateful for you (but maybe please don’t find your future wife in the next couple weeks not that it’s my business), then yes, that can be my quote-unquote break-up song. (Hit me up in the comments if you come across something like that on Pandora. Gotye maybe? Anything by Taylor Swift? Yeah, I didn’t think so.*)
And I think I’ve been waiting to turn the corner from sadness to anger. But it occurred to me that I don’t think I’m going to, that maybe I don’t have to.
I wrote this in my journal:
I don’t know how to hold in one hand “I loved this good man and I miss his friendship and care about his heart and life” and in the other “I’m so over it…his loss” {z-snap}. I’m not mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing for me to be angry about.
And later that day…
You don’t have to stop loving him. You don’t have to make him the bad guy. He’s not a bad guy. How can I not, for the rest of my life, at least with a small piece of my heart, love him a little bit after all he meant to me and did for me and how well he loved me even in that short time and how much healing and joy and hope and fun and self-confidence restoration he brought me? How can I not be grateful to him and for him for the rest of my life for undoing all he undid in my head and heart?
I can let go and still allow a small part of me to love and care for him. There are no villains here. Some things just end.
Now, if you’re going through a break-up and it was bad…if your heart were trampled…yes, please go through every step of the grieving process, including anger (though be careful not to sin in your anger, sweet ones…no getting back…no retaliation…no game-playing…no bitterness taking root).
But as for me, I’m having to craft a new path here. It’s not cut and dry. It’s not he-hurt-me-so-he-can-just-bite-me. It’s just not playing out that way. Not all situations call for I-am-woman-hear-me-roar.
So my prayer continues…help me let him go…I give him to you…heal and hold my heart.
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me because…He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted…” –Luke 4:18–
P.S. Okay, so this is probably the closest I’m getting to a break-up song.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
One of my best friends is a guy. At one point I was super confused with all these feelings I had for him, that weren’t mutual. I went thru a grieving stage because those particular feelings of loving him weren’t wanted or reciprocated. However, we bounced back from my confused feelings and the friendship is still going strong. And if he were to ever ask me if I still love him, I would have to tell him yes…I will always love him because he is the first guy that ever treated my daughters and I with respect. So, I think it’s ok if part of you always loves him for the love and respect and healing that he showed you and helped you with. And yeah, I’m not sure you ever totally get over the good guys, where the relationship (whatever kind it was) ends well.
Yes, Becky, getting over this good one has been hard. To say the least. -Elisabeth
I really enjoyed listening to you read your post! It made it feel like I was sitting across from you, chatting over a cup of coffee. The recording is a bit fuzzy to me (might be my speakers), but if the sound was clearer, it would be even better. 🙂 I hope that it helps! And what a fabulous idea!
Thank you for your feedback, Ginger. It’s not your speakers, it’s on my end. Working on it! -Elisabeth
I liked it. I could play it on my phone as I drove. However this morning it didn’t play the whole thing on my phone.
Thanks for the feedback, Leona…figuring all this out. 🙂 -Elisabeth
Bonnie Raitt… Can’t Make You Love Me… Boom, break up song
YES. I mean, I wish it weren’t the case, but so very yes. Thanks, Bill.
I both liked it and didn’t like it. At the start, it was too much like you were just reading words ( if that makes any sense what so ever), but nearer the end, I felt your words, in a way that I wouldn’t have had I just been reading the post. Also – recording was fuzzy from my computer.
And other than the recording aspect….the topic applies to my marriage. My husband is not a bad guy, and there is so much I still love about him, so your post makes a lot of sense to me. I can still love him, I can still appreciate his many good qualities, and maybe I can move on from my marriage and not have the bitterness. He is just a very broken good guy. Thanks for the new perspective Elizabeth.
Thank you for your honest feedback, Shannon…I’ll keep that all in mind. -Elisabeth
I thought it was great to have you read it.
It makes you more of a “real person” to your audience, especially in this “air brushed” world that we live in along with being able to reach a larger audience based on accessability, learning styels, etc.
Your voice was very soft spoken and faint so it was difficult to understand what you were saying at times.
Such a blessing for you to share your honest heart. 😉
Marianne, thank you for your feedback. That gives me encouragement to maybe want to pursue this. -Elisabeth
I really needed this tonight. I actually Googled “getting over a good guy” and it brought me here. I fell hard and fast for a wonderful guy I worked with… We were work friends, but he made me laugh and understood me so well and we just clicked perfectly. He was so very kind and sweet, and once I found out he was interested in me, it was all over. Unfortunately our work conversations never covered our beliefs, and I was broken-hearted to learn that he fits more along the lines of agnostic, and I am a believer… A girl who is deeply loved by Jesus and who has seen and felt the hand of God on her life in more ways than I can explain! We had spent time together, and really REALLY like each other, but he eventually told me (yeah, HE told ME!) that he could tell my “religion” was important to me and that because it was important to me to share that with someone, we can only be friends. I already knew that in my heart…I just didn’t want to let go. So now, it’s been a month since I’ve seen him, weeks since I’ve talked to him (he said he can’t handle talking to me even as friends yet…that he won’t be able to get over me if we talk)…and I’m here on my couch crying over him. He’s done nothing wrong to me… He has treated me with only respect and dignity. I just don’t know how to get over him, or even the idea of him. I miss him. I miss his friendship. I felt I had found someone (after going through a painful divorce that involved infidelity) who restored my faith in good men. Regardless of whether or not he’s a believer, he’s a good man. I’ve never had to get over one of those before.
Whew, that was long! I’m sorry! Just wanted to thank you for this. I guess I will just pray your prayer too… “Help me let him go…” I don’t know how else to do this. <3
Hi Joy, can you give me an update on how u got over the good guy? I just broke up with a great guy but we weren’t compatible from the way we spoke to the way we enjoyed our free time. I don’t know what to do
I ABSOLUTELY needed this! I’m currently going through the same situation. I guess the timing was just off. He was, and still is, wonderful! He brought me closer to God and made me see that there are actually great guys still out there. Maybe that’s what he was meant to do for me. I don’t know. All I know is that this is HARD! I pray everyday for him. I genuinely want him to be happy! I also pray that God helps me get through this. Somehow I know He will! God bless and thank you for posting this!!