{post originally written Winter 2018}
Warning: Some of you are not going to like this post. I can almost hear the comments rolling in now. I am not trying to make anyone feel badly about who they are and I am not trying to start a comparison game. I am simply sharing one of my experiences, one of my struggles.
I’ve always been little. When not slouching, I’m 5’3-&-3/4”. (And yes, that’s how I tall I say I am, as if I’m a child counting every teeny centimeter.)
And other than the freshman fifteen and two pregnancies, I’ve always been average or below average weight-wise.
But then I went through a divorce in my early 40s and I lost weight. I was pretty pleased, actually, except that my clothes weren’t fitting and my doctor told me to start eating protein bars every day. (First-world diva problem, I know.)
And then life happened.
I got older, as one tends to do. (weight gain)
My metabolism seemingly plummeted. (weight gain)
I met a man and fell in love and we ate out a lot and I was no longer super-stressed all the time and I was happy. (weight gain and weight gain and weight gain and weight gain)
And then we got married and I went on the pill. (weight gain)
And then some bad things happened. And I went on an anti-depressant. (weight gain and weight gain)
And every winter I hibernate, not getting in my daily walk or bike ride. (weight gain)
And in two years I have gained twenty pounds. I’m getting close to the upper end of normal weight for someone my height, and if I keep gaining ten pounds per year for the rest of my life, well, that would be very, very bad.
And for the first time in my life, my clothes don’t fit. And I’m embarrassed and feel shame. And I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror.
I am going through a little study on my own about embracing who God created me to be and it’s been good but painful.
The author has asked us, “How can we love our neighbors as ourselves if we do not love ourselves?” Ouch and true.
And she pointed out, “Berating ourselves for our flaws and weaknesses only serves to undermine our strength to become.”
I have become a berater of my flaws. A daily berater. And it’s not good.
She asked us if there were anything we needed to repent of to Jesus regarding how we treat ourselves. Before I could even finish taking in a deep breath and barely get the prayer out asking Jesus what he thought on this matter, I felt him say clear as day to my heart,
You have stopped liking yourself.
I started crying because I knew he was saying something true. I look in the mirror and roll my eyes. I try to put my jeans on (my fat jeans no less) and I frustratingly pull them back off and hang them back up and grab leggings and a tunic to hopefully camouflage my tummy and my butt that are both becoming larger.
So, here’s what I’m doing.
On a practical level, I am drinking more water.
I went off my anti-depressant.
I am getting outside every time the sun peeks out.
I am cutting down on my eating a bit (though, sadly, I don’t eat a lot…I wish that were the case, so I had something huge and tangible to point to and stop doing).
The other day, when given the choice between a nap and a walk – when I was super low-energy and kinda sleepy – I chose the walk.
And I have put my too-tight jeans in the linen closet (hopefully for just now, but maybe for good), and I bought myself a pair of jeans that fits, that don’t literally hurt to wear, that don’t emotionally hurt to zip up.
And on an emotional and spiritual level, I tried something new. Out of the shower, getting ready the other day, I started thanking God for my body. Out loud. Listing things.
Thank you for my long hair. Thank you for my Mom’s green eyes and good genes. Thank you for my height, I like being small. Thank you that I can see and smell and touch and taste and hear. Thank you that I can use my hands. Thank you that I can walk. Thank you that I could run if I wanted to not that I want to. Thank you that I can ride a bike.
And then I shifted it a bit.
Thank you for my tummy. Thank for the stretchmarks from having my two babies. Thank you for my periods that remind me I’m a woman. Thank you that they’re becoming irregular that points to a new season of my life coming. Thank you for the extra weight because that means I’m not lacking for food. I’m sorry for not liking myself right now. Please help me with this. Please help me like myself.
You may have something like this in your life. It may not be a body-image issue. There could be any manner of things for us to not like about ourselves because, well, we’re girls and we’re kinda known for being hard on ourselves.
But let me leave you with this final thought from Stasi Eldredge:
Our hope doesn’t rest on us finally getting it together. OUR HOPE RESTS IN JESUS. And Jesus has proven once and for all, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he loves us. The center of his heart is fiery devotion, love, commitment, and a passionate pursuit of you. He not only loves you, HE LIKES YOU. And you get to like yourself too.
Sweet girls, repeat after me: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. -Psalm 139:14
We are loved, we are loved, we are loved.
If this post resonated with you, my new group coaching experience, WholeHearted, may be just what you need to kickstart your healing.
I understand completely. I’m only 4’11” and have gained 26 pounds in 2 1/2 years from meds and eating low fat. I have now switched to low carb high fat and it’s taken several months but finally 6 pounds, still a long way to go. I felt so much better when I wasn’t carrying this extra weight. You are not alone.
PS I read a really good book Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes it makes a lot of sense.
Thank you for this as I struggled with that also. I’m the opposite as you. I’m 5″9 and feel like the giant. I was tired all the time and as I’m in Florida I’ve been walking every day. Taking my supplements and loving life. Sun is shining down on all of us soaking the goodness of His love. Thank you for your thoughts! Hugs!
Ah the timing of this blog couldn’t be more appropriate. I have never enjoyed being “small”. I’ve always struggled with my weight but I was never obese. I remember thinking I was “fat” in high school and look back at pictures now and realize I was a slender, average size young lady. College years I packed on the freshman ten or more, but again…I was just average. After the birth of my twins and my subsequent divorce I lost a large amount of weight. Then…after the anxiety of the divorce subsided I packed on 30 pounds…then I dropped it and kept it off for a good while. I physically felt the best I had ever felt. Fast forward to now. Second divorce. Anxiety from the separation knocked off some pounds but I was at a place of having already put on some weight from being in sheer misery in my marriage. After a two-year separation…and me being so depressed and trying to control everything just like I did in my marriage…my stbx was “done” with me and the marriage. That was 9 months ago. I’m now coming out of the fog. Last night I went to Weight Watchers…and was stunned to finally see how much weight I have gained. I drove home crying, hating myself, hating that I’m 51 and weigh the most I’ve ever weighed in my life…never thought I would be here. I have so much self-loathing right now…my weight, my age (the changes in my face and body). And I read this and was reminded…God loves me and my hope rests in Him. Not how I look or age. I am taking steps to make myself be a healthier version…not just physically, but mentally as well. One step at a time.
Thank you for this I’ve gained 35 pounds since November due to anti depressants and overeating I’ve stopped anti depressants and drink water or apple cider instead of flavored coffee watch how much and how often I eat pray to God instead of wallowing in despair
God is telling me that gratitude should always be my first choice. I gained 55 lbs during my divorce and I finally decided that my emotional state comes before my physical state. Now I’m finally ready to start getting healthy but instead of doing it with my will, I’m trusting God to carry me through and help me feel physically better, whatever that means. Right now I feel awful. Thank you for your timing, my dear.
Oh, yes! And amen. And you are beautiful right now, and so am I, even as He transforms us into His image with ever-increasing beauty.
Dear Elizabeth,????
Then I must be your biggest fan now????, even from far away in South Africa! My distant location is why I can’t attend your Functions.
Thank you so much for posting this! I needed to hear this so much right now. I have put on 15 pounds in the past couple years since I went back to school and have been feeling self hate lately too. I am also 5’3 but with no 3/4 :). I am so mad at myself for gaining the weight all the time. I have 2 kids, one with ADHD, and I am a biochemistry student and pre-medical also woking as a scribe 20 hours a week. I try to tell myself that I have so much going on its ok that I gained the weight but in the end I still feel awful because I have increased my eating and I am always eating junk when I study. At the same time, the stress from all of this going on has increased my cortisol and inflammation levels so even when I try to lose weight and exercise it takes a lot to lost just one pound which comes back right away. To make it worse I have a sister who has always been beautiful and skinny and she is older than me. You have reminded me that I need to stop controlling this part of my life and give it to God, letting him transform me the way he sees fit and stop comparing myself to others. Ultimately I want to improve my health and feel better again, hoping weight loss comes with it. I graduate in 3 weeks and I am looking forward to a time I can focus on self healing.
Thank you for this. I do not remember ever liking myself. Always very self critical in my appearance, as a Mom, as a wife. I’m learning to accept things and to nurture myself. Trying to see myself as God sees me. I get bogged down in feeling like it’s too late at 52. My ex husband’s porn addiction and obsession with young women really beat me down.. I would love to feel desirable and confident. Working on it.
Just what I needed to hear, like all of your articles but considering you started this one off kind of fending off bad comments I needed to give you a big thumbs up. I am currently in the middle of this very same struggle. I needed a take on it that made me feel not alone. I would never have guessed you too are struggling with this but your realness is appreciated. You are beautiful inside and out!! Thank you for this and your consistent encouragement from afar that always touches me!
Oh Elisabeth…..you sing the song of many of middle aged woman, including myself!!! Our stories are very similar….including our height and weight!! During my “divorce diet” I got down a skelatal 107lbs….yes liked it,!!! but it wasn’t healthy. Now remarried, menopausal and happy…..142lbs. I probably averaged 118 before hormonal changes. I am a nurse and have done some side work with natural hormone therapy and so you all know…..it is NORMAL to gain weight around your middle section when you are in your 40’s/50’s and going through the change of life. This is where we all store our estrogen, in our fat, to last the rest of our lives when our ovaries stop functioning….the way God made us. I know, it isn’t fun to “look” at, but I know that this is just how it is….yes I watch what I eat, splurge a bit occasionally and walk and take the long road (parking out further at costco etc!!) when I can, but this is NORMAL. My husband actually likes my “bigger butt” lol and loves, cherishes me and tells me every chance he gets….just the way I am. Our society produces shame and feelings of dissatisfaction, but your are right Elisabeth….we are God’s holy creation and we need to love ourselves with every fiber of our being and with all shapes and sizes. This hormonal time is sometimes “crazy making” but if we are aware i think this is half the battle. Love to all you “fluffy” sisters out there!! Be as healthy as you can and thank God for his creation.
I needed that.
Thank you Sister for reminding me to whom I belong to. I am one of Our Heavenly Father’s princesses. I am 4’9″. It is quite obvious I am not close to my ideal physical weight. I have been carrying this extra luggage since the birth of my last baby in 2006. 2017, God made a way for my Babies and me to leave that toxic environment with a narcissistic man. I remained in that marriage for 16 years. I lost me in pleasing/catering to this man who rarely gave us his time. Now, I am moving forward with God exclusively leading my way. One step at a time.
Thank- you for being honest!:)
Much of the same happening to me..
We are fearfully and wonderfully made!.. And if we feed our body what it needs it will heal itself and that includes my weight gain! Yaay!… I have finally found help with weight watchers .. They teach healthy yummy options.. And this girl cant do diets if i cant eat!!..so now im eating way more and losing every week..:)
plus it helps to get on top my emotional distresses..( not easy) blessings either way!❤️