Something transpired a while back that made me question the moral foundation of my entire twenty-three-year first partnership.
I shared it with someone and the response was, in part, “I’m not saying your entire {Christian} marriage was a sham, but…”
And someone else recently referred to my current marriage as my first real marriage, as if my previous marriage was so bad, it wasn’t worth counting.
But I heartily disagree.
Even if all the good that came from my first marriage were my two precious children, that would be enough and thanks be to God.
But I believe so very much more came from that relationship that made it worthy of existing.
I’ve been thinking back on the books I read, and the dates I initiated, and the tears I cried, and the counseling sessions I sat in on, and the fights I fought, and the prayers I prayed.
Those books shaped me. They taught me things. They helped me feel not so alone.
Those dates proved that I could do something I didn’t want to do when I thought I was doing something that was right.
Those tears were my balm, and have been saved in a bottle by the Creator of the universe and counted, and, I believe, treasured as precious.
Those counseling sessions taught me to be authentic. And to be humble.
Those fights taught me I was both walk-on-able and that I could be very mean. Neither are good, both are scary. I needed to learn this about myself.
And those prayers…they didn’t just waft past God as he rolled his eyes, thinking how this marriage didn’t even count since he knew it was going to end. Not in a million freaking years. They mattered. Every prayer I prayed in that first relationship mattered, even if they didn’t get answered in the way I would’ve thought they would or should.
And so, you, dear sweet one, in a hard marriage, feeling like it’s all a waste of time, or you, dear sweet one, who is out of your hard marriage and feeling like you just wasted the best years of your life…
It isn’t a waste. It wasn’t a waste.
It isn’t a sham. It wasn’t a sham.
It matters. It mattered.
All of it. Every moment of it.
Every single second of your hard relationship – when given over to God – will serve as a sacrifice of worship to him and as a tool to transform your heart into something both softer and stronger, despite what may or may not come of it, whether it continues or ends.
It all matters.
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AMEN!!! and AMEN!! and AMEN!!!
I wholeheartedly agree! Every trial should be counted as joy (James 1:1-4). My first marriage refined me and matured me in ways that no other experience could. Yes, it was hard and yes, it was painful. But I know that God was with me every step of the way and that I trust Him so much more as a result of that experience. I also know that my first husband was given multiple opportunities to change and follow Christ. He even acknowledged a few of those. Sadly, he chose not to change and then reverted back to his belief that he had never done anything wrong and that if there was a problem, it was all on my end. He loved his control and his power more. But I don’t doubt that the 13 years of marriage mattered. Every moment of our time here matters to God.
Those 13 years were not a waste of my youth, although I would not have chosen that for myself or anyone else. But I trust My Heavenly Father to have exchanged a new beauty for those ashes so that I can continue to grow and be refined by the pain and my personal failures during that time. I am determined to let God use ALL of my past, present, and future experiences to shape me into a more Christlike woman until He calls me home.
Thank you for sharing!
The journey then allowed us to become the women we are now, for the roles we now carry. The difficult relationships then pruned, shaped, built patience forgiveness and formed our hearts which now benefit the healthy relationships that can flourish. I wouldn’t be the wife for Mr. Wonderful that I am without the history of my first marriage. He would not be the same husband.
One of the mysteries of our Lord is how he takes even the bad and ugly and can bring forth good fruit from those years, if we let him.
Oh what a great post Elisabeth. We only see in part, God sees the whole. Thanks for this encouragement. Amen.
I’m there right now, and I’m betting my entire life on this–that it counts. That it’s for my good, and his glory, and that none of it is in vain.
Excellent blog –
Excellent response –
Excellent — this will bring freedom to many that are experiencing the same –
In in my own marriage — I can’t go back to the 10 years we were not living for HIM ( we had walked away ) ….but in that time — HE was right there.
God wastes nothing!
We must always be moving forward.
I tease at times, as I will call my marriage now – my 2nd marriage — after the fall /hurt /separation of infidelity…as now THIS marriage our 2nd half is SO much better than our first 20 years. But….those first 20years were awesome too — it just got message up in the middle.
Bless you – michelle
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, thank you for your willingness to share your story. For me the last few months have brought questions that I never fathomed I would find myself asking… asking myself, asking God. At the same time attempting to find peace simply in that often times we are not privy to the answers of such questions, this side of Heaven. I struggle to discern what about the last 12 years of my marriage brought Him anything?
My mess one day will be my message, and that will be the glory.
Until I am on the other side of this storm, looking back as you are now…. I’m trying to find peace in that… knowing each day is filled w/ new mercies and grace …. and that a couple bad days don’t mean a bad life.
I really enjoy your blog. I’ve been saying prayers for you and your new husband, your marriage and the blending of your families. God bless you!
Amen, so very well said.
Thank you. Ive been in an abusive marriage with 4 children & I finally got a restraining order & legal separation 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow is my 35th birthday & as I sit in bed alone tonight I am grateful to come across your blog. I’ve struggled so many times to try to figure out how I could be glorifying God with any decisions I make in the midst of the chaos that has been out home life . But before before I married I always said my prayer life was weak. It is now stronger. And my faith grows. And it’s all heart wrenchingly painful. But I know He can bring beauty from ashes & work all things for our good. My Lords promises keep me going & encouragement from other sisters like you is a great grace. Thank you.
Thanks for this Elisabeth! why do I have to constantly remind myself of this?!. My mind automatically goes to “what a waste of time those 24 yrs were!” It is part of the lead-in to my own pity party. Its taken awhile for me to realize that I dont need to go to that “party” and that God has given me much to be thankful for.
Merry Christmas and thank you for all you do!
Thanks Beth for this post. I have been wondering too if my hard marriage has been a wasted time. It sometimes feels like years eaten by the locusts. But the children are definitely worth it. Be blessed Beth!
Thank you for this post. I struggle with this too like many here. I am told by friends that I’ve wasted my life in this way. 29 years and hoping for a better future and the years the locusts have eaten being restored. The years of control and isolation, the feeling of being trapped in a nightmare. God forgive me for the damage to our grown children.
God bless you Elisabeth, and other christians who speak up for us christian wives who are told divorce is not an option.
I’m so thankful for my now defunct marriage! Without it I wouldn’t have my 4 incredible children. I never would have learned what it meant to put someone else ahead of my own wants and needs while surviving my ex’s alcoholism. I would have missed out on the struggles to grow and be strong when my faith lagged. I’ve never thought that the 27 years I spent with my ex was worthless-difficult at times, yes (not as difficult as some have had it). And, the good times certainly outweighed the bad that happened at the end, but if given the chance to go back and do it over again I’d say YES. What I’ve been through has helped shape me into who I am today.
Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. I needed that!
I’m grateful it encouraged you, Alora!