This post is based very much on my opinion, on my instinct, and on years and years of my thinking being shaped by youth group and Christian college and Scripture and sermons and the Church and living within community and the Holy Spirit, along with years of working with women who are separated/divorced and remarried.
I believe that these principles are for those who consider themselves to be Christians, which I define as someone who believes Jesus died for her, is trying to follow him by living according to Scripture, and has the Holy Spirit dwelling within her.
And my final disclaimer: there will be a lot of can’s and should not’s coming at you. It’s not because I’m bossy or mean – you all know I don’t typically write that way – but it is because I love each one of you and care about you and your precious hearts so much. Okay, Beth, gosh…..just go.
If you are single and never married:
I believe you can date*.
(When I say that I believe you can date, I therefore mean that I believe you can marry/remarry.)
If you are currently married:
I believe you should not date anyone other than your husband. For the love.
If you are separated:
I believe you should not date anyone (other than your husband as part of the therapeutic separation plan) until divorce papers have been signed. And even then, for the health of your future relationship but more importantly for your full healing, I believe you should not date for at least a full year beyond your divorce date.
Here’s why I believe this. I believe that a covenant is broken when unrepentant unfaithfulness or abandonment takes place. But I believe a covenant is severed only when the divorce is legally final. A broken covenant can be repaired; there is still hope. A severed covenant, on the other hand, means the marriage is officially over, and though anything can be resurrected in God’s economy, a divorce would require the relationship to begin from scratch with a new marriage covenant being entered into. This is why I believe dating should not happen while there is still a chance that the marriage can be brought back to life.
Lastly on this point, if you are dating someone while still technically married, I believe you are dishonoring your estranged spouse, dishonoring the person you are dating by not being able to fully commit, dishonoring God, and not respecting yourself by acknowledging your very real and profound need to grieve and heal, and this will only serve to come back and bite you later.
And I’m not the only one who believes this: DivorceCare says that you are married until you are divorced. To be clear: if you are not yet divorced, you should not be dating. Period. There is no wiggle room here.
If you are divorced and were the covenant-breaker (meaning: you were unfaithful or abandoned your spouse through abuse or addiction) and were unrepentant and did not try to reconcile:
I believe you should not date and that you should remain unmarried until you have taken steps to repent.
If you are divorced and were the covenant-breaker but were repentant and took steps to reconcile but they were not received:
I believe you can date.
If you are divorced and were not the covenant-breaker and did all you could do to try to reconcile:
I believe you can date.
To further clarify things…
If you are single:
I believe you should not have sex. Sex when you’re not married is called fornication and the Bible talks about this.
If you are currently married:
I believe you should only have sex with the person you are married to. Sex with someone else when you’re already married is called adultery and the Bible talks about this.
If you are separated:
I believe you should not be having sex with anyone, including your estranged husband.
If you are divorced:
I believe you should not be having sex with anyone, including your ex-husband.
I know these are not popular stances. But I’m never written for popularity. This is what I believe God lays out. Not because he doesn’t want us happy or doesn’t want us having fun or doesn’t want us having sex (HE CREATED IT, oh my gosh), but because he loves us and knows what’s best for us and our hearts.
Listen, you can go ahead and do what you want…..some of you live your life that way anyway..…some of you have no intention of following what I’ve laid out here, and I get that. But I would bet that even if it doesn’t seem to faze you right now and even if you think I’m old-fashioned and it’s no big deal to date before your divorce is final or to sleep with anyone you want, I dare say that it will catch up with you…..either physically or emotionally or relationally or spiritually, you will be affected by these choices. And one day (hopefully sooner rather than later for your benefit) you’ll realize that God, who loves you completely, has just been looking out for you all along.
And…..and this is a super important and…..if you have already messed up along the way in any of these areas, or if you are right now, it doesn’t mean you are permanently benched. At any point, on any day, you can start fresh, you can start over. You can change direction. You can resolve to live differently. It’s called grace, and God pours it out in abundance. It’s never too late to make a better choice for yourself.
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Great post. The truth might be hard to hear but it’s the truth and it is good for everyone to remember. Love that you ended with grace and a call to repent and start fresh.
Thank you, Leona!
Another note on dating: Waiting to date (until divorce is final and then for a reasonable period of time following) honors our own vows and commitment. I felt that waiting was important for me to know that I valued my marriage, even if it didn’t last. My heart was pointed toward my husband for so long that to try and focus elsewhere would have been like whiplash … and unfair to whomever may be interested in more than I was capable of giving at the time.
So true, Missy. Thank you for that reminder. -Elisabeth
It is definitely a heart issue, a very personal issue between yourself and God. I really appreciate your words, Elisabeth, clear, concise and wise-leading based on scripture. My question for you is this: When you wrote, “If you are divorced and were not the covenant-breaker and did all you could do to try to reconcile:
I believe you can date,” do you have “guidelines” that you would advise any one to look towards (within scripture would be most beneficial) as to a time-frame? As in, how long after a woman is officially divorced, was not the covenant breaker, and there are still minor children involved. One person told me the other day, “Maybe you aren’t meant to heal alone.” Interesting thought to ponder…
Susan, I don’t believe Scripture touches on a timeframe, but DivorceCare suggests one year for every four you were married. But I believe you will know when you’re ready (and your friends can be wise counsel on this as well). -Elisabeth
AMEN and AMEN!! TOATALLY AGREE!!
🙂
I agree with you. Especially if there’s a chance the spouses can fix it down the road. If one goes out on the other it can cause more problems. So take the time you need and try to date your spouse all over again. You might be glad you did or you will see that it’s time to move on. Any marriage can be saved if both people want it to. But that’s only if both parties make changes for the better.
Agreed, Lauri. Thank you for sharing. -Elisabeth
We aren’t meant to heal alone but what keeps us from healing alone is God, not another man.
Agreed. -Elisabeth
I think your words are right on target Elisabeth! I’ve seen friends do it all, and I’ve seen most of the dating that should have waited until the divorce was final end badly.
I was divorced at 26…and that was 21 years ago. I agree with your suggestion to wait a period of time before dating again. I think, especially if you have been in an abusive marriage, that you need time to heal. Speaking from experience, at that point, any guy that would be even a smidge nice to you would feel like “true love” even if it wasn’t. I’ve seen a lot of people rebound and end up in another horrible situation because they were so vulnerable to someone just being kind to them that they overlooked massive red flags! Too many times they have built their identity on their relationship and marriage, and when that relationship failed, their identity crumbled. When Mr. Nice came along and said kind words, they grasped on trying to rebuild that identity. Guilty here! It took years for the Lord to reveal to me that my identity needed to be built on Him alone, but like when Nehemiah rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem, a lot of rubble had to be cleared away to build a new wall on a solid foundation. With me, a lot of crumbled pieces of identity that I had built around my marriage had to be cleared away for God to show me who I was in Him. Not a fun process, but a necessary one. I’m still rebuilding that new identity.
I think when you have children, they need time to heal and adjust to a new normal, and they need help. If mom is off dating Mr. Wonderful before the ink is dry on the divorce papers, or before the papers have even been signed, she is likely to not see some of their hurts because she’s so wrapped up in her newfound happiness with Prince Charming. Currently I have a friend who is not a believer, who started dating before the divorce was final, fell in “love” with the first guy, and has now bought a house and moved in with the new dude along with her kids, and announced that they are blending families and that her kids are doing “GREAT!!!”…..meanwhile, she’s still married legally. It makes my heart break.
I’ve seen a friend tell her daughter to remain pure, but that it was okay for her to sleep with new boyfriends because she was an adult and had been married and had already had sex. Ummm, yeah, her daughter started doing what mom did, not what mom said…..and mom was shocked! She shouldn’t have been shocked. Even after that, the mom still made no correlation between the two.
I know full well how it feels to be so lonely that it’s suffocating, and how sweet words can be like water to a parched, cracked, desert. Been there….done that. Regardless, I think it’s wise counsel that you gave to wait on dating to allow healing so future decisions are sound. All future relationships will have a better chance if being developed from a healthy perspective.
Thank you for sharing. -Elisabeth
Elisabeth, I is so refreshing to have biblical truth expounded – I agrees with your perspective. It may not be ‘politically correct’ but Gods standards are different from the worlds!
Thank you, Terri! -Elisabeth
Beautifully put. If people followed this advice, they would find their healing would be deeper and they would avoid making things worse for themselves. We do not need a man to be happy and fulfilled! These truths are meant for our benefit.
“…they would find their healing would be deeper…” That’s beautiful, Cynthia. Thank you. -Elisabeth
Excellent! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Sandy! -Elisabeth
Thank you for speaking Truth. God’s word does not change, regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in. Truth is Truth, promises remain, God, His plan and purposes are the same yesterday,today and forever. 🙂
“…truth is truth…promises remain…” Love that, Julia! Thank you for reading and commenting. -Elisabeth
I think all of your scenarios seem reasonable, acceptable, and biblically supportable.
And I think this is a lot more generous and grace-filled approach than the conservative (maybe even legalistic) church denomination I am in now. It seems that they view ONLY the woman as the “adultress” after a divorce, even if the husband was the covenant breaker. But scripture says that if he divorces her, HE makes her an adultress. The responsibility for that seems to be placed by Jesus onto the man in that case, and her situation is outside of her control. Something to think about…
Years ago, I was told by a counselor (who’s also a friend) that after divorce, you should wait 1 month (NOT 1 year) for every year you were married before dating.
For instance, if one was married for 18 years, they should wait 18 months before considering dating.
I had a child very early, I married this man just after high shool. We divorced after 2 years, I was 20 at the time. I jumped right back into a relationship… I also had sex with my estranged husband, I had sex outside of marriage…. I’ve traveled that road and for many years I am sad to say.
This past week my divorce, to my second husband was final, after 11 years of marriage. This has been the most devastating thing thus far in my life. However, I’ve worked for 2 years attempting to reconcile and restore the marriage.
I say all this to speak directly to what you said above… “one day it will catch up with you”. I never dreamed at 38 I would be dealing w/ emotional baggage that I’d sustained from choices I’d made in younger years.
It’s been a very difficult season to say the least, but my savior is bigger than all of that emotional baggage. Through grace, mercy and forgiveness I have been able to come out a changed woman who now can agree 100% with every statement above Elisabeth. Would I make different choices, if given a second chance… I’m living those different choices now through my second chance.
God bless your writing!
Amen sister! I agree 100% with everything you’ve written. Could have written it myself. I pretty much have in different ways (blog, book), but you laid it out very succinctly. Nice job!
Totally agree. Doesn’t matter how long the marriage has been broken or technically “over,” honor yourself, your spouse, and God by NOT dating or even flirting. You need time to heal from where you’ve been, and to assess how to avoid getting into another toxic relationship.
This is beautiful humble hard truth…thank you for sharing Elisabeth!!
Everyone who is in this boat needs to hear you out and Be Still with The Lord In His Presence and He Will show the same truth in His Word…Bless your ministry Amen