A friend of mine asked me for my divorce timeline – who divorced who, the events surrounding it all. I took a few minutes to attempt to sum up about three years in a handful of bullet points and sent it to her, saying she could ask me anything else she wanted to. (Having nothing to hide is a beautiful thing.) As I read that summary over, I realized something: though I did not handle myself perfectly or sinlessly throughout that process, I can honestly say I did handle myself well. It was (and still is) messy and chaotic, and I have my fair share of regrets for sure, but I believe I can say, overall, that I handled it well*. That’s huge.
Before I jump in with a few of the things I think I did right, I want to share some things I did wrong.
But before I even get to that, I need to admit something. My ex-husband and I are not friends. Our split was not amicable.
I’ve heard it said that other people aren’t our enemies; that sin is our enemy, that Satan is our enemy, but people aren’t our enemies. (Side note: then why does Jesus tell us how to treat our enemies?) But if the layman’s definition of enemy is someone who is intentionally trying to hurt you, then, yes, I do have an enemy. And this, by far, is my largest regret. We cannot even look each other in the eye; we almost never communicate. So my goal in walking through this separation and divorce with a clear conscience was not to end up best buds with my ex-husband. Though, I do hope and pray that by the time my children get married, our strained relationship does not ruin their wedding days; but my goal is not friendship.
My goal has been two-fold. First, our kids are watching us. They see the antics, they hear the words. They know what’s truth and what’s absolutely ridiculous. When my kids look back on that time in our lives, I want them to be proud of me and to know that I told them the truth, that I did the right thing time and time again even when it was super hard, that I took the high road over and over. So, basically, one goal is to teach my children how to handle themselves in difficult relationships.
And secondly, God is watching us. Whew. That thought right there takes my breath away when I really sit with it. He knows my motives, he knows my sorrow. Though it’s totally difficult to display Christ when walking through a divorce (for about a million reasons), it is not impossible and I am still trying to. He is my main audience. He is the only One whose opinion I really care about. So my other goal is to please Jesus through this whole mess. Okay, now onto what I’ve done wrong.
Saying more than what needs to be said. If you’re at the place where you are officially walking out the ending of your marriage, words, for the most part, no longer matter or hold any real significance. And though I get this intellectually, I still wanted to say about ten thousand more things. I wanted to point out the damage being done, I wanted to get in my two cents, the last word. And I did this, way more than I should have.
Obsessing. Thoughts of my hard marriage consumed me, and that did not change as I walked into my separation, especially in the first half when we were still attempting reconciliation. All that was wrong in our relationship was basically all I thought about. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that my bad marriage had become an idol for me. I hadn’t learned the skill of letting go (still learning it) and it took over.
Record-keeping. This was one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. I literally kept lists on my computer of all that was going on in our relationship. I justified it in that we were looking for change but it was nothing short of a compulsion. I finally got to a place where not only did I stop keeping actual records of wrongs, but I burned lists and deleted them all from my computer, realizing I no longer needed to be holding on to those things anymore.
There are so many more things I didn’t do well, like how I handled my anger and held onto bitterness, but here are some ideas of what I think I did fairly well.
I did what I was told, even when I didn’t want to. If you are in an attempted reconciliation process, and you have people around you helping you walk through it, prayerfully do what they suggest. They can see the path more clearly than you can in your immense pain. I did so many humbling, intense things that were so very difficult for me to do, but by the end, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had done every single thing I was asked to do to save my marriage, and then some.
I held my tongue. Now, not as much as I should have or could have, as I just confessed, but way more than most people will ever know. The number of things I didn’t say – and when I say say, I mean yell – could fill a book. I wanted to defend myself, I wanted to accuse, I wanted to hurt back. And I sadly did all of these things, but I didn’t do them nearly as much as I wanted to, especially seeing as I rarely censored myself during the marriage. And now, it’s the rare moment when I bother asserting myself.
Live at peace, as far as it is up to you (Romans 12:18). I did not attack. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I did defend myself from time to time, but even then, I chose wisely what battles to fight. (Very few, I might add.) But I came to a place of realizing somewhere along the way that I cannot control or change anyone but myself; I can’t make someone live at peace with me, but I can attempt to live at peace with everyone. For the most part, that entails, simply, not engaging. We have the right and the choice not to keep a conversation going, not to retaliate. Sometimes, it is important to stand up for what’s right but most of the time, walking away is the smartest thing we can do.
Walking through a separation or a divorce can be excruciating. But let’s do this hard thing well, sweet ones. How we live this out matters.
*Let me say this about me handling things well. I need to reiterate that I don’t mean perfectly or sinlessly. I messed up so much walking through that whole process, and yet, what I mean when I say I handled things overall well, I mean two things. First, I handled myself during my divorce years better than I would have say, even five years prior. And secondly, that’s only because of Jesus in me. If any changes have been made, any progress in how I respond, any transformation of my heart and mind, it’s only because Jesus is rubbing off on me in tiny little slivers. This has not been my doing; any good that I’ve done has only been because I was yielded to Christ in me.
SOMETHING NEW IS COMING and I AM SO EXCITED and DETAILS WILL BE COMING SOON! In the meantime, join me in my private Facebook group, Hope & Healing, filled with precious women just like you!
Thank you for being so open in your writing in order to help your readers! I appreciate your candor and I love your books.
The one time it Is advisable to keep lists is when dealing with violence and abuse. This is important so that you have a record to show to law enforcement if needed, and also to maintain your own mental clarity. If you are dealing with being gaslighted and mentally, emotionally abused, your own perception of reality is being constantly messed with and challenged. Writing things down as soon as they’ve happened is one good way to maintain your sanity, to help you remember that yes a particular thing Did occur despite the abuser’s denial.