For as long as I can remember, I have felt broken. I have felt that there was something off in me. That I was needier than the person next to me. That emotionally clinging to the little girl on the playground didn’t seem right because no one else was doing it but I practically couldn’t help myself. That I overthought things more than the average person. That I worried too much. That I internalized. That I was too organized (as in, attempting to control my environment because I couldn’t control my life). That begging a man to marry me because I was certain no other man would want me was the way to go, the way to secure my future. That keeping in what I’m really feeling is a fabulous idea because I’m pretty convinced I will say something that will hurt or annoy the person I’m talking to, that I’m just too much to handle, so pretending I’ve got nothing to say and I’m fine is my go-to. I have had more precarious than strong relationships. Despite the million things in my life that are beautiful, I am just south of content a good deal of the time. I fake feeling normal. I sometimes fake being happy.
I don’t want to say – because I’m not ready to admit – that I thrive on chaos and hard times, but I think that arena may be my comfort zone, though deep, deep down, I would give anything for relational peace across the board. But at any given moment in my life, I could list off at least one – if not a half a dozen – strained relationships that leave my stomach in knots when I wake up in the middle of the night to ruminate about them. (And of course, there’s the obvious revelation pointed out to me by someone from my past that I appear to be the common denominator in all of these wonky affairs, so of course, I’m the misfit, the problem, the broken one.)
I feel, honestly, a good deal of the time like I don’t really know how to live this life.
So, why am I telling you all this?
Because I need you to know – you, sweet, wounded, longing-for-love girl, you – that you are not alone, in your pain, in your struggle, in your not-feeling-normal-ness.
I may have been walking with Jesus for over thirty years, I may have been released and rescued from a hard marriage, I may have done a ton of healing work during my four years as a single mom, and I may now be remarried to a kind man who loves me, but I still feel this way. I still, every single day, struggle. I still, every single day, do not feel whole. I still, every single day, feel broken to some degree.
Even with a husband who treats me well.
Even with a God who loves me more than I’ll ever understand.
Life is hard, to paraphrase Glennon Melton, but not because you’re doing it wrong…life is just hard.
And in this world, to quote Jesus, we will have trouble.
But, girls, our God is so very good to us.
Our God is for us.
Our God will never let us go.
Our God is our Father.
Our God is our Husband.
Our God is our Friend.
Our God is our Counselor.
Our God is our Refuge.
Our God is our Strength.
You may feel broken today. You may feel broken tomorrow. You may feel broken every single day for the rest of your life. But you will never be alone in that feeling. And God will never, ever leave you, and will never, ever stop loving you.
And, I’m beginning to believe, God wants more for us than mere survival. I believe this promised abundant life is filled with our healing, should fuel our hope, should breathe new life into ours. If we ask for it, if we let it, if we trust.
So let’s keep walking into our freedom and wholeness until that day when all we are is free and whole.
If you’re feeling stuck and need someone to talk to, I’d love to work with you one-on-one.
Wow I felt surprised by this writing because this is how I feel 90%of the time. I feel so fragile almost all day, every day like something is seriously wrong with me. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. I feel like I can’t handle the simplest things in life. It’s so hard and I usually feel like I can’t go on. I’ve been separated for 5 years and mid divorce for 2. Life isn’t suppose to be this hard always. Thanks for the post
Sarah, I’m so very sorry. You are NOT ALONE, sweet girl.
No you are not alone
You just described me to me.
And I once thought I was good and healed and happy. Then more broken worldly things happen and the sadness is back full force.
Anyway Sarah. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you now and we have each other. <3
Elisabeth, you have spoken such powerful words directly to me over the past 2 1/2 years during my separation and my divorce and now as I find my way through healing, and mothering my children, and finding the way that I believe God wants to use me in this world other than raising my 3 amazing kids. God uses us THROUGH our brokenness, you have showed me that time and again! He is doing so again in this post because it is so easy for me to think that I will be “ready to be _________ (fill in the blank- happy, a good partner, a worthy writer, etc) WHEN I have “done all the work” of figuring out how I became so broken and in a broken marriage, etc etc etc. But I am realizing that I will never be completely “fixed” because that doesn’t exist on this side of Life, and therefore I need to quit putting self-acceptance as something that will happen IN THE FUTURE when I am healed and not full of holes. Self-acceptance has to be a choice of today, showing myself the Grace, Love, and Compassion that God showers on my daily in spite of my flaws. My prayer is that God will continue to use my brokenness to show others His Grace, Love, and Compassion in their brokenness., and to show them that we are so much better off when we are connected IN our brokenness rather than isolated because of it. I am reminded of the two one-winged angels that can only fly if they hold onto each other (from a favorite Advent storybook). In your brokenness, you are teaching others how to fly….so thank you so very much! I am so grateful….
Thank you for your kind, kind words, Betsy!
I love how you always speak to my broken heart. God Words.
Even though I feel alone, I’m not
Even though I feel like I’m hardly living, I am.
Even though I feel unloveable, I am loved.
You know.
So many of us know.
God bless us, all of us. May He fill our broken places and use our brokenness as a vessel. Right??
Let’s live in Him and the enemy in our minds just get lost forever already
Right, right, right.
OH HOW MY HEART ECHOED these words!! Bless you for your faithfulness!
Thank you, Kim.
Elisabeth, I am 61 years old, had a marriage for maybe 12 years and was separated for 15 when he finally divorced me. He hasn’t wanted to have anything to do with me and now my children (all young adults) rarely spend time with me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 15 years ago. I have felt broken most of my life. This summer was the hardest summer I have ever had. Although all of my children are in the area I live in and 3 of the 4 lived with their dad, I haven’t seen 3 of them since June despite texts that I would like to have lunch/get together. I have battled depression much of the summer and am in the throes of it now. I know all that God says about His love for me and believe it, but I feel lost, unnecessary and empty.
I’m so sorry, Darlene. I have pulled together my list of best resources to help you move forward in your healing.
Online support:
To join one of my private Facebook groups (difficult marriage, separated/divorced, single moms, remarried), please send me a friend request at http://www.facebook.com/elisabethkleinfisher.
One-on-one mentoring:
I offer several e-courses, MarriageMentor & DivorceMentor, and UnStuck, year-round: http://www.elisabethklein.com/mentoring-2
Find a counselor: https://biblicalcounseling.com/counselors/
If separated/divorced:
Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage is available in paperback/e-book: http://tinyurl.com/yc84nbs9
I’d recommend you find a local DivorceCare group: http://www.divorcecare.org/
Finally, I want to offer you my free resource Is Your Healing Halted? as my gift to you. (elisabethklein.com/healing-halted)
I truly hope some of these resources can bring you help, comfort, support and hope. You are not alone.
-Elisabeth
I have felt that way…in my first marriage and before, co-dependency and not believing in myself. I am learning, but it has been slow. My thinking is better, but still a people-pleaser, not waiting on God to fix my own issues and running ahead. But you are right, we are not alone. We may not know someone personally that has had the identical situation, but many have similar. Thanks for your encouragement and helping us feel that being human is OK.