I received an email that said, basically, I married a man I shouldn’t have married. There were red flags and I married him out of my loneliness. And now it’s really bad and I don’t know what to do.

First of all, let me say, I am so very sorry. I am sorry that you are living the pain of a difficult marriage. I have an entire e-book of tips for getting through a difficult marriage, but I will say this to you:

DO NOT ISOLATE. You do not have to try to figure this out on your own. Do not let the embarrassment you may feel for “doing this too yourself” keep you from getting the help that you need. So, my absolute best suggestion for you is this: get into Christian counseling. Tell this counselor the truth, even if it is so hard to say.

BEG GOD to work and to heal and to show you your next steps. Ask him, humbly, what you can be working on to make your relationship stronger.

IF YOU ARE UNSAFE or your children are unsafe, or if anything illegal is being done in your home, tell someone and put up boundaries and get help.

And now to those of you are not married yet or who are considering remarriage, please, please, please take this as a cautionary tale.

Being single and lonely is hard, yes. I’ve been there.
Being divorced and lonely is hard, yes. I’ve been there too.
But there is nothing – and I mean, nothing – like the pain of being married and lonely.
And, I would imagine, there is nothing like the pain of considering a second (or third) divorce.

This pain – for those of you are still single, not yet remarried – can be prevented.  You do not have to end up on the other side of a marriage that you hate, that is adding to the messes of your life, that is bringing you more pain. YOU DO NOT. You can make better choices – even if they feel harder now – to spare yourself future pain.

Because listen to me, single woman: if your life is a mess…MARRIAGE (good or bad) WILL NOT FIX YOUR MESSES. MARRIAGE WILL NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. Marriage was not meant for that.

It can assuage your loneliness, to some degree, but only if it’s a healthy marriage.
It can provide you with a partner, with companionship, but only if it’s comprised of two attempting-to-become whole and holy people.
It can provide fun and laughter and shared purpose, but only if it’s a marriage that is not filled with abuse and addiction and unfaithfulness.

If you are in a hard marriage, there is still hope. This is not a hopeless situation. God sees you. God is not disappointed in you. God loves you and is on your side. And he will give you the daily strength to make healthy, holy choices.

If this post resonated with you and you find yourself in a difficult marriage, let’s work together to move you forward in your healing. 

Life isn't always how we want it. When change seems elusive, and we're stuck in old routines, a gentle push or some self-reflection can make a difference. Let these questions be that nudge to get you moving.

You have Successfully Subscribed!