Dear people I love,
I love each one of you deeply. But I cannot “make” you feel loved.
I want each one of you to be holy.
I want each one of you to be whole.
I want each one of you to be happy.
I want each one of you to live with purpose and passion.
I want each one of you to be okay.
I want each one of you to like me. (oy)
But I cannot accomplish ANY OF THESE THINGS for you, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter what I pray.
You are each responsible for your own lives, your own holiness, your own wholeness, your own happiness, your own purpose, your own okay-ness, your own relationships.
I have been trying – unsuccessfully – to make you all feel loved, to build bridges and connections, to put out fires, to apologize repeatedly for things I’ve said and done and for things others have said and done and for things I haven’t said or done that you think I’ve said or done.
I have nothing to show for it but my exhaustion. I have still managed to hurt each one of you. I CANNOT WIN.
Jesus never told me to take on these tasks and roles. I did this to myself. I thought it’s what it meant to be a “good” Christian wife, mother and stepmother. But I was wrong and today I am proclaiming that I am done.
If you want to be loved, love.
If you want to be close to someone, get closer.
If you want to be holy, spend time with Jesus.
If you want to be whole, talk out your feelings, keep a journal, get a mentor, go to counseling.
If you want to be happy, figure out what you love and do more of it.
If you want a relationship with me, it’s here for the taking.
If you want purpose and passion, figure out how God created you and then do something about it.
If you want to be okay, determine what “okay” looks like for you, and then, you know, take some steps.
I love you more than you may ever understand.
I pray for you every day.
I hope for love and peace and joy and Jesus for you.
And I am right here ready and willing to love and support you.
But YOU are responsible for YOU.
-Beth (aka wife, mom, stepmom, friend, coach, whatever…)
I am exhausted for all of these reasons & a few more I put on myself. This is exactly what I needed my head & heart to hear & accept. I pray I am able to stop trying to make others want something more than they want it for themselves. Your words are simple, raw & hold so much truth & meaning on the very day I needed it most. Thank you from the bottom of my exhausted heart.
Dear Beth,
I have been a member of your group for several years. I rarely share anything either to respond to others or about my own situation. I mostly follow for the information you share, which has been helpful. The tone of group has changed as it had gotten bigger. No one can do what you were able to do with a smaller more solidified group. I appreciate your compassion, your vulnerability; your honesty; and your boundaries. You haven’t disappointed me. I have no expectations for you to change my life. I know that only God can do that. You provide insight and support. I see that as your purpose. Don’t despair my friend, you serve God well.
Darlene
Wow! I understand this feeling so well. When I told one of my mentees something similar she recoiled and I almost felt like I had said something wrong. But truth is as much as I want the best for them all, I can’t do it for them. I can’t help you unless you help yourself. Thank you for this. I will be keeping it and sending it to them. Hopefully they get the point and don’t get offended.
One of the great lessons that I learned (the hard way) during my first year of second marriage was that I couldn’t continue to try and “manage” everyone’s emotions … it was just too exhausting and mostly didn’t work.
It was challenging, but freeing to let that go.
Beth,
Thank you for sharing! This letter sums us the past 3 years of my life. It has been a process but when I finally signed it there was such release, freedom and joy. Bless you!
I am so proud of you! You realized you can’t keep up the impossible goals and expectations you put on yourself! None of us can. This is something we need to hear from our friend and mentor. You can’t be all to everyone. We can’t expect to be all to everyone either!
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”–Ralph Waldo Emerson. You are a very honest and authentic person and have helped me and so many other women by what you have set into place–your writing, your facebook groups, your openness. Please know you are loved and appreciated for just being you and sharing your gifts with us!
You are amazing! Thank you for this letter! It is sooo refreshingly honest and true! You have no idea how you have been a steady source of help to me throughout the last few years! Just keep being you!
Beth,
You have been more than you know to so many. You HAVE provided a path to all of the things that you want for each member of this group. You HAVE built bridges and connections, but you can’t make people accept the connection or cross the bridge and so I’m glad you have finally decided to let go of expecting so much of yourself. While you can’t make people feel any particular way and can’t make people find happiness, you absolutely have shown the way for those who want to see. You have shown the way through your Faith, and your Seeking, and your sharing/journaling/reading, etc etc etc. I hope you see that more people appreciate you than criticize you, but even if you can’t, I hope you can let go of all of our opinions. You are serving God in the best way you know how and seeking to improve even that every day. And the only opinions that matter at the end of each day are your own and God’s, and we know that He loves you just the way you are. So get some rest and relish that Love.
My thoughts echo those which were previously said. Your authenticity, willingness to share your thoughts, feelings, experiences both past and present with us is such a gift. I am forever grateful for you. I have experienced a tough marriage and am now divorced and continuing to try and live a life by passing on grace, healing words, and hope to others (as a therapist) as you have done and continue to do for me. I know you are sensitive to others’ harsh words/thoughts but please know that you are inspiration and give insight to so many of us who needed you during very fragile times in our lives. Sadly, there are some who wish to have that shining knight rescue us from our struggles and become frustrated if that is not done. This is their journey as much as we want to ease others pain. Stay strong in being you, you are a gift just as is! Hugs