I am not naïve. Some of you who read my blog are unmarried and you consider yourself to be a Jesus-following, Bible-believing, church-attending Christian, and you are having sex. Some of you are doing so in hiddenness and shame, as I did in my early 20s; some of you are doing so blatantly, proclaiming to yourself and the world that your non-marriage relationship in its current form is a gift from God.

And I know why. Okay, before I get to that, let me say this other thing first.

I’ve been noticing something lately: I think I may have become more judgy.

Well, at least on this one issue: sex before marriage – regardless of your circumstances – if you claim to be a follower of Christ.

And this may surprise you but my new-ish harshness is starting to bug me. You may not believe me when I say this but I kinda wish I couldn’t care less what all of you do behind closed doors. (Except we all sort of belong to each other as followers of Christ and our lives are not our own, yada yada yada.)

I kinda wish I’d get off my soapbox and stop writing about it. And stop recording while-I’m-driving angry-rants about it. And stop upsetting the women I’m trying to shepherd and serve and support. And stop losing Facebook group members who are calling me judgmental.

I kinda rather we all just skip through wildflowers together, just loving Jesus and each other no matter what, not caring what the other is doing, not holding anyone to any kind of standard or taking anyone to task, singing whatever the 21st-century version of Kumbaya is.

I wish I could just live and let live, baby.

And I wish I could just mind my own biscuits so that everything could be gravy.

And all those other AlAnon slogans and country songs and political correctness-icities that have been drilled into my head.

If I had to guess, I think it’s bothering me more lately because it has come so much closer to home than I ever would’ve guessed…with people I thought I knew who are blatantly living one thing out and blatantly saying the opposite. It angers me, it worries me, it sickens me, but it mostly breaks my heart for each one of these people and the people in their lives who are watching their mixed-message lives and trying to make heads or tails out of it all.

But despite all of that, I wish I could just chill. And shut up. I seriously do.

But then I realized that if I were to do that – if I were to talk about divorce and dating and trying to follow Jesus and chasing after wholeness and holiness all the while acting as if grace means we can all do whatever the hell we want to do and life will be la-dee-da and Jesus doesn’t care how we live – then I would be doing a greater disservice to the women I am so desperately trying to shepherd and serve and support.

Because to act as if it’s okay to have sex when not married if you are a follower of Jesus would be wrong. That would be leading you astray. That would be sending you down into the muck and mire, handing out maps straight into the darkness, crossing my fingers that your relationship will somehow flourish and your life would somehow garner blessings. You know, because grace.

But in the economy of God, blessing follows obedience. And obedience means doing what God has so generously, kindly and lovingly laid out for us. And, I believe, spiritual blessing does not fall on all no matter what.

So, I may take my tone down a few notches, because I truly am not trying to hurt anyone (though, I am trying to wake some of you up because I care about you so very much), but I will not be changing my tune just because I’m upsetting some of you.

Because odds are, if it’s bothering you – this stance of mine – it’s probably because you’re being convicted, and nobody likes that.

So to the other thing I want to say. This might be hard to hear, and again, I’m not trying to hurt you, I promise. But here goes.

I refuse to believe that if this is where you find yourself in your life – being a single Christian having sex –

that it’s because you’re in love.
Or that it’s because you enjoy sex.
Or that it’s because you feel committed.
Or that it’s because you think the Bible is irrelevant.
Or that it’s because you truly don’t think it’s wrong.

You may think and feel all these things and you may tell yourself all of those things but these are all simply presenting justifications.

Because I truly believe that if you are a woman and you are a follower of Jesus and you are not married and you are having sex, it’s really because of this:

You are sad and/or
you are lonely and/or
you are broken and/or
you are insecure and/or
you are afraid you’ll lose your boyfriend/fiance if you don’t have sex.

You can be mad at me for saying that, but to my core, I believe that’s what is really driving you. (All of those were what we’re driving me all those years ago, and I’ve talked with enough girls and women to know that these are the core reasons for them as well.)

And if this is the case for you, sweet girl, BE BRAVE AND TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

I want ALL of you whole and on the road to healing and holy. And way more than I do, Jesus wants this for you.

I can almost guarantee that any “Christian” relationship that is tainted by sexual sin is one that is not whole.

The Bible says that being in sin grieves the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30) and quenches the Holy Spirit (I Thessalonians 5:19) in a person who believes in Jesus and claims to follow Him. It also affects our ability to discern what’s best for us as our judgment is greatly clouded when our feelings trump wisdom. At a time when your eyes need to be wide-open to who this other person and what your relationship can weather in the long run, you are all fuzzy (even if it doesn’t feel like you are) and the foundation of your relationship isn’t nearly as strong as it could be (even if it feels like it is).

Sweet girls, please trust me, please trust me, please trust me. (I WAS YOU.)

I promise to be a bit softer; if you promise to really, truly pray this issue through, and to be super honest with yourself and your partner, even if it’s scary, even it means you may end up alone for a time. You will NOT regret it, sweet girls. You will not, you will not, you will not.

And I say all of this because I love you so much,


If this post encouraged you (or challenged you!), you would benefit from some of my other divorce-related resources:
*my podcast – All That to Say: https://anchor.fm/elisabeth-klein, specifically this conversation with my husband about divorce: https://bit.ly/atts-conversation-with-husband-about-divorce
*grab my book, Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage: bit.ly/UnravelingMarriage
*Lies We Tell Ourselves webcast: https://elisabethklein.com/lies-we-tell/
*my 3-month e-course, Heartbreak to Hope (now PAY WHAT YOU CAN): https://bit.ly/Heartbreak-to-Hope-pwyc
*Surviving as a Christian Single Mom: www.elisabethklein.com/books
*Are You Ready to Date quiz: https://elisabethklein.com/partner-quiz/

Life isn't always how we want it. When change seems elusive, and we're stuck in old routines, a gentle push or some self-reflection can make a difference. Let these questions be that nudge to get you moving.

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