I don’t typically do this but I received some comments regarding a recent post, and I feel I should clarify my statements. I never want to add to anyone’s pain or shame or burden, and I fear I may have done that.
I said, basically, that you and your spouse or ex-spouse are equal shareholders in your marriage or in your divorce.
Allow me to give an example to further explain what I mean.
A ways back, someone wrote me a letter that was completely inappropriate. . I can honestly say that I did not instigate it, and I can now say I believe I did not deserve it.
In this instance, I was a target. Just like if your spouse were unfaithful, or just up and left you, or has been abusive to you, you are a victim in that situation. I am not minimizing that.
However.
If I stayed in relationship with that person who wrote me and allowed them to continue to do that to me over and over again without putting up boundaries of any kind, that would fall into my responsibility. I sadly had to take steps to put distance for my emotional health and my heart’s protection.
If I had been mean back, that would be on me. But I wasn’t.
If I had been mean to start with, or if I had done something to push buttons, that would be on me. But I hadn’t.
So, when I say that you and your spouse or ex-spouse own equal shares and equal responsibility, I mean simply this:
You are responsible for you.
You are responsible for yourself as a Christian.
You are responsible for yourself as a woman.
You are responsible for yourself as a wife.
You are responsible for yourself as a mother.
You are responsible for yourself as a friend.
You are responsible for yourself as an employee.
You are responsible for yourself as a human.
You are responsible to attempt to handle the cards you’ve been dealt with integrity, with kindness, with wisdom, even in your pain.
Your marriage or divorce may be a huge mess (mine both were) but that does not give you carte blanche to be mean or vengeful or catty or send inappropriate communication or what-have-you.
To quote the recovery world, you keep your side of the street clean. And you leave the other side of the street to God.
Hope this clears things up a bit. I apologize if I hurt anyone. Love you all.
I’m so glad you followed up..I’ve been struggling with your comments on what I did wrong. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t push counseling. I’m not perfect but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what I did wtong. Ever since you wrote those words I’ve felt I’ve been missing something I did and have been trying desperately to find that oiece. Your followup completely clarified it fir me. Thanks for easing my heart
I too am glad you followed up. When my ex left after I discovered his affair & begged to go to counseling to fix whatever was wrong, he refused & replied that I’d never change. I was devestated because I never saw it coming & it had only been going on for 4 months. He walked out w/o a look backwards & to this day continues to put his mistress before our children. Through counseling I’ve learned that his actions & choices were just that HIS. His action & choices now are HIS. I sacrificed so much of myself to my marriage, my children & our family that at times recovery seems never ending. But I know that I’ve made good decisions & those I made while being in my marriage were sound & never selfish.
I agree we are all equally responsible for ourselves in every part of our lives But it is not black and white as the cause and effects on each is a huge factor in all of this. Not to be used as means of excuses or justification as yes each person does play a part in every situation, in different ways, is a role in the wrongs, directly or indirectly.
Because this subject is not black and white, the cause and effect does play such a huge part, I’m not sure I can agree with saying its equal but honestly, it really doesn’t matter if it’s equal or not. We are responsible for each of these areas of our lives, but as you know, even in our pain, everything is a process of learning, so I think the way the initial blog makes me feel is- I was responsible for being human in the middle of this world’s reality of cause and effects of abuse, therefore responsible for allowing the cause and how I allowed it to effect me. Wow. Life time of on going abuse causes many things, as mental health field has proven. For example, Battered Woman Syndrome, I was told I was exact classic textbook case in every way. I agree we need to reflect on our part in everything in life, to learn from and change. But this is a process like everything is. Becoming healthier in order to handle life’s moments in ways we should and even want to, but don’t. We don’t because we are still working through the process of each thing, what ever that is for each of us and where we are at in each step.
When in the darkness and don’t know any better or even how to be responsible for ourselves or our part or still trying to apply what we’re learning, sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don’t. Like the saying goes, didn’t get here overnight and not going to change overnight either. The important thing is we continue to try to do better next time. I’m not judging, only rhetorical because answer is really between you and God: have you figured out what your part was, directly or indirectly, in the situation written about in the letter victim to receiving? Maybe it was them finally starting to make a stand for themselves, in the process of learning, like us all and do wrong or maybe it was direct abuse, having to look past the cause and effect to be able to see and learn your responsible part concerning the letters subject and looking back at the time to see how handled or way should have…..
Thank you for the reminder to keep my side of the street clean! This is the second time today God has spoken to me and said “Rebekah…. hush. Keep your peace. Be nice. I’ve got this.”. I’d been dealing with some words from my ex and his mom recently that had upset me. I’d been thinking “Next time I’m not keeping quite! I’ve had it.”. Then our church lesson this morning and this post both reminded me that I can only be responsible for my words, not theirs. Love it when God does that. 🙂