I don’t typically do this but I received some comments regarding a recent post, and I feel I should clarify my statements. I never want to add to anyone’s pain or shame or burden, and I fear I may have done that.
I said, basically, that you and your spouse or ex-spouse are equal shareholders in your marriage or in your divorce.
Allow me to give an example to further explain what I mean.
A ways back, someone wrote me a letter that was completely inappropriate. . I can honestly say that I did not instigate it, and I can now say I believe I did not deserve it.
In this instance, I was a target. Just like if your spouse were unfaithful, or just up and left you, or has been abusive to you, you are a victim in that situation. I am not minimizing that.
If I stayed in relationship with that person who wrote me and allowed them to continue to do that to me over and over again without putting up boundaries of any kind, that would fall into my responsibility. I sadly had to take steps to put distance for my emotional health and my heart’s protection.
If I had been mean back, that would be on me. But I wasn’t.
If I had been mean to start with, or if I had done something to push buttons, that would be on me. But I hadn’t.
So, when I say that you and your spouse or ex-spouse own equal shares and equal responsibility, I mean simply this:
You are responsible for you.
You are responsible for yourself as a Christian.
You are responsible for yourself as a woman.
You are responsible for yourself as a wife.
You are responsible for yourself as a mother.
You are responsible for yourself as a friend.
You are responsible for yourself as an employee.
You are responsible for yourself as a human.
You are responsible to attempt to handle the cards you’ve been dealt with integrity, with kindness, with wisdom, even in your pain.
Your marriage or divorce may be a huge mess (mine both were) but that does not give you carte blanche to be mean or vengeful or catty or send inappropriate communication or what-have-you.
To quote the recovery world, you keep your side of the street clean. And you leave the other side of the street to God.
Hope this clears things up a bit. I apologize if I hurt anyone. Love you all.