A woman from my private separated/divorced Facebook group wrote me recently saying that her counselor shared something with her that was unnerving:
“There is only so much healing you will do as a single person. Deeper healing will come when/if you are ever in a healthy relationship with a man who loves you.”
She said she both understood what her counselor was saying and yet it stunned her a bit and she wanted my thoughts.
If she had told me this, say, a year ago, I would’ve balked at her counselor’s words and I would’ve said he didn’t know what he was talking about, and how dare he for making her feel like her healing had a ceiling placed upon it by her singleness.
But now that I’m remarried and in a healthy relationship with a man who loves me, I can say that I agree with the counselor. And yet…
I believe that God brings us just the right amount of healing at just the right time for each of us. I believe that he could heal all of us in an instant, but he chooses not to because there is so much for us in the journey from broken to healed, so much richness and joy and goodness.
I also believe that as a single woman, I was as healed up as I could be. Sure, some bumps along the road. Heck no, not perfectly whole…none of us are. But I had come so very far…so very far. And I bet that my friend who wrote in with the question has also come so very far with Jesus.
But alas, I am now writing from this side of a wedding day, and I am in a healthy relationship, and my man loves me.
And I have to admit, though in a sense I wish I couldn’t, that almost daily he heals something in me.
The other day we were in the grocery store parking lot and it was drizzling and he said to me, “Hop in and I’ll put the groceries in the truck.” And as I sat in the truck and waited for him, I started to cry. It was such a simple act, but it was so tender, and it was so taking-care-of-me of him, and he does stuff like that for me all the time. All the freaking time. And it softened my heart a bit more in a place that was so battered for so long and it were as if his love for me stitched up that place a bit tighter.
I want to be so clear and so gentle in what I’m saying. I believe in my heart and soul that I could have remained single for the rest of my life and I would have had the great gifts of the love of my children and friends and family and I would have been affirmed through my work and I would have known deep, sweet healing and tender care from Jesus and I would have been able to live an abundant life. (I can say this because I did have all of that and I was living an abundant life pre-remarriage!)
And yet, I hold in the other hand with equal weight and truth, that there is a daily, sometimes moment by moment, healing that is coming to me in my new marriage.
You know what I think it is? I don’t think for a second that God has a deeper, better, fuller healing for those who remarry and woe is you if you happen to be single. Not for a second. I think he simply chooses other methods to bring that healing, through books and songs and friendships with both women and men and serving and in nature. I know for a fact that it was in the deepest loneliness and pain of my divorce that I experienced him in such sweet ways.
Here’s what I know. I believe that not only will God not leave our hearts unhealed, I don’t think he can. He won’t quit until we’re healed, all the way through and through, no matter our marital status. You will be healed either way.
And we all are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. –II Corinthians 3: 18
God, not your marital status, defines your life. –I Corinthians 7:17
If this post resonated with you, Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage may help you further along in your journey towards healing.
Interesting thoughts, but I would disagree on the generality. I would say that perhaps the Lord saw fit to mend your wounds through the relationship of a spouse. For another, those their deepest wounds could be healed by an intimate connection with a friend or mentor. Yet a different individual may need the solitude of depending upon Christ alone for healing.
I’m so grateful that the Lord has used my wonderful husband to mend the broken and wounded places of my heart (and continues to do so). However, I don’t believe that is the only channel through which this healing could have taken place.
Regarding the sweet woman asking the original question, I might suggest that we can be healed in the theoretical relationship through faith. Some of us get to experience the human healing on this earth in relationship with another and some get to live on faith that this kind of relationship exists and will be fulfilled in Christ when we meet Him one day.
Healing and maturity exist in such a broad spectrum that it is open for a great deal of individuality, don’t you think?
PS – how dear of your husband to take care of you! What a gift.
This is the truest, most transparent, honest, moving post I’ve read! And you KNOW I LOVE your writing! This is SO TRUE!!
Just this morning a group of sweet friends and I were exchanging text messages – praising God, lifting each other up, loving and caring for each other – and healing just poured over my heart! God is continually bringing people into my life that bring His healing to me. He knows exactly where my heart is still tender and damaged, and each person He brings to my life touches those places in such a tender, personal way!
What a mighty God we serve! Married – single – who cares?! God does!! Always!! Thanks for sharing this precious truth!!
I have had this same “gift” and my reaction was the same….to sit in the car and cry. He was a little taken back at my reaction, but was given a greater realization of what I went through and how much I craved to “be taken care of for once”. Let me tell you, although it doesn’t happen as often as it used to, after two years of being married, three years of being together, it still happens and i still appreciated it so very much. One thing I told myself, I am never going to forget how this feels 🙂 thanks Lord!!
Being fat, ugly, and further away from God than ever, I guess I’m pretty much screwed. No man will ever want me. I’m looking at a life of struggle and loneliness. Yay me.
I am so very sorry for your pain. I want you to hear me though…you are so loved, and God created you with a purpose. Cling to him in your loneliness.
Missy, I’m with you. I wouldn’t want to make a generalized statement about how God chooses to heal us. That being said, I know my marriage to my second husband has given me so much healing. I thought I was so far along in my healing process before we married. In reality, I had barely scratched the surface. Our marriage included blending a very large family which has been extremely painful at times. It has even felt abusive to me, the pain his children have caused me. Growing through that pain has actually helped me learn so much about the abuse I received as a child and in my first marriage. Lessons I might have preferred not to learn, but God has used them to teach me anyway. And the love and care my husband gives me and the intense love I have for him are something I never would have wanted to miss. I praise God daily.
When I first left I was so broken. I knew it too. I said at that time that I couldn’t fathom ever dating again much less getting married. I had been in Al-Anon. I had been in counseling. I had been doing all the work all while I was in my nightmare marriage.
Now, a year and eight months after leaving and 6 months since my divorce finalized, and more Al-Anon and a lot more counseling and a whole lot of healing, and I can actually fathom dating. Perhaps there will be another husband, maybe, if this is how God has it planned.
It takes time, it takes work, and it takes being willing to hand God all the pieces, ALL OF THEM! He doesn’t just duct tape us back together, He makes us NEW!
I find great comfort in your words. They are very comforting to me!♡
I hope and pray and cry and beg (almost 4 years) for a godly, loving, faithful and sober husband. I lose faith daily and have felt alone and unlovable many times. Even depression. So far, God hasn’t answered my prayers. Many times I’ve pushed and tried to force things MY way, but it never worked out and only caused more pain. My greatest fear is actually that it’s not God’s will that I remarry. Very difficult for me to consider. Probably because I have made idols of people numerous times throughout my life. Either way, I’m hurting and miserable.
I find great comfort in your words. They are very comforting to me!♡
I hope and pray and cry and beg (almost 4 years) for a godly, loving, faithful and sober husband. I lose faith daily and have felt alone and unlovable many times. Even depression. So far, God hasn’t answered my prayers. Many times I’ve pushed and tried to force things MY way, but it never worked out and only caused more pain. My greatest fear is actually that it’s not God’s will that I remarry. Very difficult for me to consider. Probably because I have made idols of people numerous times throughout my life. Either way, I’m hurting and miserable.