Recently on my Facebook writer page, I posted the following:
Relational PSA: Sweet girls, there are good, kind, tender, thoughtful, generous, God-loving men out there, who, hypothetically, may cause you to tear up in gratitude, often, and won’t get tired of you after, also hypothetically, seventy-five or so dates.
And then the responses rolled in:
Really? Sounds like a total pipe dream. I’m glad you have found one, though.
Where???
I sure hope so!
I’ve all but given up completely.
Woman…don’t play with me like that! You have a sighting?
Not really seeing them in my area or online for sure. A single man who catches my eye and who is honorable and honest is a rarity. Sadly, even those who claim to be God-honoring are just as disrespectful and dishonest. And many of my single Christian friends are finding the same in their dating.
Sigh.
I get it. I really do. I recognize the cynicism that is born out of deep betrayal and marriage & divorce pain. Before I tried online dating, I didn’t think there were any forty-something, Jesus-loving, single men in my area. I just never ran into any.
So, I’m here to officially say a couple things:
Yes, there are immature men out in the world who have no business dating who end up hurting my sweet girls. (And I want to ring their necks.)
But (ugh) men don’t have a corner on the market on jerkiness. There are just as many immature women out in the world who have no business dating who end up hurting some sweet men. (And I kinda want to, more gently, ring their necks too. Or at least tell them to stop dating and heal up, for their own sakes.)
Both genders are equally sinful, equally capable of hurting themselves and each other and making super poor relational choices. And in the same breath, I will say that both genders have the equal capability of being healed and transformed and kind to themselves and in relationships.
But to continue my proclamation:
Yes, sweet ones, there ARE good men in the world. Men who are kind. Men who will treat you well. Men who will respect you. Men whom you can respect! Men who will not try to control you. Men who will share their feelings. Men who will pray for you and with you. Men who love God. Men who will take you to church. Men who will love you.
Yes. There are.
You perhaps don’t see any around. And I have some thoughts.
One, you might not be ready to see what’s out there. In other words, you may still need to heal. If you’re still bitter at your ex-husband or about men in general, you have not forgiven your ex-husband and therefore you are not ready to date. No exceptions.
Two, if you are ready to date, you might need to readjust what you’re looking for. I am NOT saying to lower your bar (in fact, some of you may totally need to raise your pathetically low bar), but also be open to who God might want to bring into your life. Tall-Shadow has been such a sweet surprise for me, and he is better than what I thought I needed. So much better. Funny how that works.
Three, if you are ready to date, you might need to get your behind off the couch on a Friday night. I was SCARED TO DEATH to try online dating, but it ended up being such a fun and fascinating experience. And, for the love, I met an amazing man! Totally worth the risk. And you won’t know until you try. And you don’t make any of the baskets that you don’t shoot (or something sports-cliché’-y like that). In other words, odds are, a kind, godly, cute, single man is not going to just walk up to your door and ring the bell. (Though if one does, for heaven’s sake, please blog about it!)
Finally, just because I tell you all this does not mean you will find one. I have no idea your relational fate, and neither do you. God does not promise us a lifelong companion. But he does promise us to love us fiercely and forever, and that love is stronger than the love of even the best man.
God is love. –I John 4:8
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here, or “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.
i can attest there are honorable good forty something Christian men out there. I married one. He is awesome, and I have never been happier. I don’t know if I would ever have tried online dating, the idea gives me chills. God knew that. He allowed me to meet mine in my adult Sunday school class at church. This way, I got to see him life on life for a year before our first date. I liked his integrity, the way he was raising his kids, the way he related to others, both men and women with respect. Praise you Jesus!
Proud of you
Happy for you! Keep reminding us from time to time.
Right now, I am no where NEAR ready for any type of relationship! I encourage everyone walking this road to be aware of where you are and not allow anyone – I mean ANYONE – rush you into this!! Take time to heal!! There are tons of godly counselors available, a boatload of books out there….all of which indicate 1 year for every 5 years of marriage as a general guideline. A guideline ladies!! But pay careful attention! There is no deadline for this! But for pity’s sake heal and become whole before you just offer yourself up to a man!
It’s not rocket science. Only you can take care of yourself.
One day, Lord willing, I’ll meet one of these godly, good men. I just hope when I do I’ll have the good sense to recognize it! 🙂
I will respond since I believe the last comment you added in the article was mine. Godly men are out there; though so far not available or interested in me. I personally have had 7+ years to heal. I was never mad at my ex, so I would not be mad at men I don’t even know. Some of the men who seemed interested were not bold enough to ask me out even though I would show interest in who they are. I had one man ask me to coffee through a note given to me through people at my church. I don’t think my bar is set too high by expecting that a man should be bold enough to ask me by phone or in person. Notes are for jr high. If a man is not bold enough for that, how can he be bold enough in the situations that we will face in the future. Rejection sucks, I have been rejected, but love is worth the risk. Online wise, God has not brought anyone that is available in the same state, around my age or one that does not expect some form of sex while dating – christian and non-christian men alike. Online sites were awful in my experience and for several friends as well who have tried it. I stopped doing that altogether. I have heard stories of those it worked for, but it wasn’t going well for me. Putting myself through school and working and taking care of my kids has been my life in recent years.
I just keep doing life and the things that God has for me to do and in God’s timing and way, I will meet that man. God is bigger and doesn’t need technology or singles groups. He just needs a willing and obedient heart.
Yes, there are a few good men out there. I found one! And through online dating, no less. Sometimes you have to adjust your expectations. I never thought I would fall in love with an introverted engineer! God is good!
I have also met the one. I’m hoping he proposes soon, surely he will. I never knew that I could be totally in love with someone who was willing to completely commit to me. Never before in my adult life had I met someone who cares, shows affection, respects me completely, doesn’t try to get his way, doesn’t try to force me into anything… But loves me and wants to start the rest of his life with me.
Yes, there are great, honest, honorable, Christian men out there. They might have a bunch of hurting children, a bunch of debt, and may not look like a model. But they can be amazing husbands, if you are willing to put in the work and be an amazing wife. No one said remarriage was easy, it IS NOT! I met mine in church (I recommend this!). God is good!
Thanks Elizabeth, well written. I have asked some of the same questions. I’m patiently waiting to here God’s voice. It’s all in his timing.
Thanks for putting everything in a great perspective.
Randy