Recently, I received a message on my Facebook writer page that started off like this, “I’m sure you’re a nice person. And you’re probably fun to have around. But I have to confess that I dislike you very much.”
Why, thank you.
Obviously, I was intrigued. And I went on to read this cruel email that ripped me and my writing and my theology apart. Nothing I haven’t already heard before, people. So I deleted it.
(Okay, truth be told, I first sent it to two girlfriends to show them I must be still doing something right to get a message like that, and we had a laugh, and then moved on.)
But here’s the part that is most disturbing. The sender was a woman who had asked to join one of my private Facebook groups; at least, I thought it was. But it turned out that the actual writer of the message was her husband. Meaning, he had hacked into her Facebook account to write me a mean message.
So I think today’s blog is to the husbands and ex-husbands of the women in my groups, because I know some of you read my blog to see what your wife or ex-wife is “being fed”. Now, before I get going, I know that there are three sides to every story: the husband’s perspective, the wife’s perspective, and then the Truth (aka God’s perspective). And I also know that I could be hearing sob stories that are totally overblown from time to time, and that a lot of humans tend to point the blame at their spouses without looking at and owning their parts. I get it, I get it, I get it. But my target audience is women and I’m a woman, so that’s who my heart goes out to and who I write for and who I champion and who I want to protect. (Not at the detriment of men; I love men. Don’t get me started.)
So, dear husbands and ex-husbands,
First and foremost, I am not trying to get all wives to leave all husbands. I am not pro-divorce. I am pro-marriage. But I am also not pro-abuse, pro-addiction, pro-infidelity. I am not pro-stay-married-no-matter-what. But I am not trying to get your wife to leave you or divorce you. Never in a million years. I have never told a woman personally or through my blog to divorce her husband. I know it feels good to have someone to blame, but I am not the reason your marriage is failing or has ended. In fact, I had nothing to do with where you are right now.
With that said, if you find yourself hacking into your wife’s or ex-wife’s email account or Facebook account, you need to look at your actions. This should be a red flag that something is very wrong.
If you are sending messages as if you are her or if you are sending messages to people she knows or to, you know, authors who are just trying to help, you need to talk to someone about this. This is not only unhealthy, it is unethical.
If you are texting or calling or emailing your wife or ex-wife and sending her abusive messages or saying horrible things or calling her names, you need to stop. Tip: this will not endear you to her. This will only make matters worse.
If you are threatening her in any way, this is abuse and you need to stop.
If you want to get her back, and you are doing so using any of these methods, it won’t work and it’s not the responsible, appropriate, healthy, or godly way to go.
If you’re doing all this to hurt her, well, it’s working. But it’s wrong and you need to talk with someone. And if you have children together, this will inevitably hurt them as well, and I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you do not want to hurt your kids. So it needs to stop.
If you’re doing all this because you’re in pain – which I’m assuming is the case because hurt people hurt people – I’m so sorry that you’re hurting, but that is not justification for hurting someone else, and you need to get help.
God is for you. What I mean when I say this is that he is for you as a person, but he is not a proponent of revenge or retaliation or purposely causing someone else pain. He is for your wholeness. He wants you to heal and get better and become who he created you to be. He wants you to live like his Son, in humility and living at peace with everyone as best as you can. He wants you to own your mistakes and make amends. God is for you, dear man who is hurting. And he wants you to stop hurting your wife or ex-wife. And he can help you do that. But you have to admit that what you’re doing is wrong and you need to stop and you need to get help.
Surely God is my helper; the LORD is my sustainer. –Psalm 54:4
Thank you for this blog. It has been my experience that ex-husbands act as if they are the ones being hurt when so often, their abuse is the cause for the divorce. It’s all about taking responsibility for your actions, not blaming someone else.
I hope all of this remains private. Last week some of my responses seemed to have shown up on my wall, and I am super careful to make any response to the group. I deleted them from my wall, but I’m not sure how they got there in the first place.
The fact that a spouse can hack into it is kind of creepy. Your response was spot on though!! Keep on keeping on!!
You can turn off the notifications so they don’t show on your newsfeed; but know that only you can see your newsfeed, unless your computer is in a public place and someone walks by or someone has your passwords and logs on as you. Otherwise, what is posted in the group really does stay in the group. Promise.