About three years ago, someone told me that what I was writing was wood and clay and not gold because I was writing from my pain. (I think that’s what’s called adding insult to injury.) Interestingly, I ended up building a ministry in the midst of my pain and have had many women tell me that it was because I was writing from my place of pain and because I was so authentic and raw that I was able to connect with them and resonate with them and actually help them.
Then recently I wrote about how good my new marriage is while pointing out the reality that life is still hard and even wonderful partnerships can’t make all the hard things just melt away, and therefore, finding a new man shouldn’t be the goal.
One reader responded this way:
“If this is the direction these blogposts are going to continue in I may need to unsubscribe. Elisabeth, you’re fast losing your connection with your base.”
I can’t win.
(I have deleted her comment so no one would try to write her, and she has since in fact unsubscribed from my blog.)
As a writer for almost fifteen years now, I know better than to let one negative comment sting. But it did. As in, breath left my body as if someone had punched me. I also know better than to respond to one negative comment – and trust me, I have let hundreds go over the years – but I think she may not be the only one who is thinking what she’s thinking. So, I have many, random, rambly thoughts to share with those of you who may share her view.
The direction these blogposts are going: If by “the direction these blogposts are going”, she means that I’m now writing about being remarried, well, yes, that is now going to happen. When I was in my hard marriage, I wrote about that. When I was separated, I wrote about that. When I was going through my divorce, I wrote about that. When I was figuring out being a single mom, I wrote about that. When I was dating, I wrote about that. Now that I’m remarried, I’m going to write about that. The direction my writing goes is the direction God is taking my life. And I write what I know. So, yes.
HOWEVER, though some people in their healing ask God to remove all memory of their painful experiences, I have not done that. In fact, because of my speaking and writing ministry, I have specifically asked God to heal me, of course, and to dull the pain, certainly, but I have also asked him to let the memories remain clear enough so that I will always, always be able to relate. And he has done this for me, this mysterious balance of me being able to recall as if living it out in real-time those moments such as being curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor sobbing so deeply that my body thought it would combust, begging Jesus to kill me because I was being made to feel so crazy in my marriage I didn’t think I could stand it another moment. Or the time I was threatened and couldn’t believe my ears. Or the moments in AlAnon where I learned something so key to my sanity that I felt the heavens part and a light shine down on my fragile heart and mind. Or the times I shared with a fellow believer what was going on and I was told to praise my husband more or hold my tongue more and how unheard and dismissed I felt.
I remember the pain. Let me clarify: I remember the pain that you’re in now. So deeply and tenderly. And yet, I have at the same time been given the profound gift of moving on and not letting that pain turn into bitterness and ruin me for all future relationships.
Also, I write about all of these topics – hard marriage, separation, abuse, addiction, dating, the Church, divorce, single parenting – still, all the time, all intertwined. I have not moved on to simply blogging about remarriage. I still write about all of it and plan to continue to do so.
And, I will always have in my arsenal of life experience a twenty-three-year difficult relationship. I will always be a divorcee. I will always have that four years of being a single woman and a single mom. And I currently still have one more year of co-parenting (if you can call it that) and all its battles. I will always be one of you and I am still one of you.
Finally to this point, human to human, you should want my writing to evolve, just as I desire for each of my readers to move out of their place of deep pain into a place of deep healing. You shouldn’t want me to write about pain all day every day. You shouldn’t want to read about pain all day every day.
Fast losing connection with your base: Though I mostly write to women in hard marriages and those who are divorcing and single moms, I also write about writing. And abuse. And the Church. And social justice. And dating. And pain in general. And now remarriage. And how faith intermingles with all of it.
I’ve never said that my base is only women in hard marriages and those who are divorced. In fact, for well over a year now, my tagline has been creating resources that help hurting women by bringing them hope, and I believe my job is simply to take the pain that God has allowed into my life and the redemption that he has brought about and then sharing it. My “base”, first and foremost, is for me to determine, and I have. And what I have determined is this: it is any woman who is hurting, any woman who has an ounce of faith, any woman who has a relationship she struggles with, any woman who wants more and better for herself and her children and relationships. And I believe that’s what I write about every time I come to the table.
I may need to unsubscribe: This part may come across as harsh, but that is not my heart’s intent, so please bear with me.
I do not make anyone read my blog. Just like if Rachel Ray decided to start blogging about how to catch a trout every now and again as opposed to making thirty-minute meals every day – which, by the way, would be her prerogative because it would be her blog – her subscribers may want to filter what they read, the same goes here.
Also, my writing here on my blog – though my heart and soul on the page – is freely consumed. Other than my generous Patreon supporters, I am not paid for what I do on this blog. If you had purchased a CD from a singer/songwriter expecting twelve Christmas tracks and instead found yourself listening to Gregorian chants or something, please, by all means, return the CD for your money back. If I charged each reader to read my blog, promising that they’d get a post on painful marriages or painful divorces every time, and I supplied you with tips on redecorating, okay. But I do not. Though this is my life’s work, you are able to come and go as you please and simply consume.
Listen, I need you to know that I get this. I really, really get this part. There is a writer whom I love. I adore how she strings words together and I devour each book she puts out. But I had to stop reading her blog. Because in her blog she talks about her gazillion speaking engagements and being flown hither and yon and her book deals and her multiple editors and… Umm, hear the bitter envy in my voice, perchance? I read her blog and look at her amazing success and want to throw my phone against the wall. Not totes healthy. So I’ve had to decide not to read her blog anymore. So, I really do get it if you’re hurting and I’m sitting here talking about being happily remarried how you might just want to strangle me. I get it.
Okay, and now a sidenote to that sidenote. Though I write pretty raw, real stuff here, I don’t typically share certain details. Last week I talked about falling asleep crying and waking up crying due to a few overwhelming circumstances in my life. If envy is what you’re feeling when you read my blog these days, I don’t think you’d envy me if you knew the sad and hard and crazy-making things that are weighing on my heart and mind in this season of my life. Remember: though we tend to compare our insides to everyone else’s outsides, we should only be comparing who we are now to who we used to be. Okay, enough on that point.
I wish you’d stay, but if what I am writing doesn’t resonate with you anymore, I do not want to add to your pain. That is the last thing I want to do. You will be missed and I wish you nothing but healing and restoration.
Finally, I know that this has more to do with the commenter and her pain and her place in her journey than it does with me. But I felt I needed to say all of this because I’ve had people ask me, “Hey, now that you’re remarried and not in that place anymore, are you going to keep doing what you’re doing?” And for right now my answer is an equivocal yes. Because there are so many hurting women. Because God, for this season and for a reason I don’t understand, has set me in a place and time to be their – our – voice. Because I can gratefully do so without losing my mind and without staying stuck in my pain. Because I can see the whole length and breadth now of the cycle of pain and stuckness and grieving and restoration and coming back to life and redemption.
So as long as there are women who find even the tiniest bit of resonance with my stories and my perspective, I will keep writing for them. And from my deepest places I do not want hurt anyone, so I will hold in my hands both the promise to keep writing with integrity and authenticity while remembering that I don’t want to cause further damage with my words to anyone who is already in pain.
And if we fall out of step, I will understand, and we will say goodbye and we will all be fine. Because it’s not about us really, it’s about the story of God and redemption and hope. And those stories will just keep on going and going and going, no matter who’s telling them and no matter who’s listening.
Thanks for being real. I am glad that you are finding some happiness and I believe that the pain of a broken family never is completly healed this side of heaven. Your story and others like it give me hope that my very long season of difficulty could also bring times of great joy and new relationships. I have found encouragement as you have shared the story of your wedding. Blessings!
I appreciate being able to see the whole process. No one has to read every blog post. I read the ones that interest me. For others it might be painful to hear about the life after death (remarriage), but I think it gives hope.
While I am not in the same place you are…my divorce is almost final, but what I do see is hope for the future. To know that the possibility is out there gives me hope. So keep writing, I’ll be reading.
I discovered your blog and Facebook support groups when I was in a dark place in the hell of separation. It was very helpful. Since then I have healed, worked on self improvement and I am in a serious relationship. For me, where you’re at is very helpful for me to read about.
I loved your recent post you mentioned about your new marriage and not everything being perfect. It’s the truth and your voice appears authentic. I enjoy reading all your posts because you are obviously a godly woman and you have gone before me in this process. Thank you for all your wisdom you share and please keep writing!
I’ll never forget the first time I read your four part series on your hard marriage. I’ll never forget where I was and what was happening.
I have followed your journey, and I have been encouraged. It never occurred to me that you would lose touch with your base. Perhaps because I understand that even as life moves forward and God brings tremendous healing, everything that has happened has brought us to where we are and who we are now.
I dated so much before I got married I realized while I was married that the grass wasn’t greener outside. I also had to reach the point that I understood nothing changes if nothing changes and I had done absolutely everything I could do. To read about your dating experiences and watch you navigate that brought back memories.
Congratulations on your marriage, it’s so exciting! I love that God works out our details so amazingly! It is my personal opinion that you keep writing, keep being authentic, keep laying it down before the Father, and those who need to read will be reading! He works all things for the good of those who love Him.
Big hugs!
Your authenticity through your journey blesses the majority, including me! To quote a Taylor Swift song, “haters going to hate hate hate hate hate….. just shake it off, shake it off!” 🙂
If you only ever write about the dark times, then what hope would we have that the dark times might end? The support I have found in your writings and through the facebook groups has gotten me through the worst days. But I am also in a place of healing and hope now. God has done a great work in my life. And He has used you to help me through the worst of it. Now He is using you to show me what I can have to look forward to. Follow His leading (as I know you do) and He will continue to give you the words we need to hear. Side note, I got thrown off the first time you referred to Richard in one of your blogs. I’d only ever heard the names Tall-Shadow and Buzz, so didn’t know who Richard was. 😉
Reading this post just reminds me of what a gifted writer you are… God has and does use you to reach the broken hearted. Hope is what we should be holding onto in the “mean time”… and your story sheds truth that in those moments where we can’t see OUR future, your story comes to our minds and we can hold on to that thread.
Keep writing where He leads you and from the heart… You are right where you should be.
God wins!
Do your thang, woman! Let it flow as God’s whisper directs you!
As a divorced guy who totally relates to your experience–sometimes it’s frightening to see my jumble of thoughts & feelings so clearly and thoughtfully written! I often finish your blog and think: “yeah…what she said!”
I too, have been reading your blog for quite a while, and what continues to draw me to your blog is your transparency. I know your journey and your heart healing that has taken place along the way, and that gives me hope. As happy as I am about your new marriage, I can be honest and say that weddings still have little appeal to me, but that’s only because I am still healing. So to dodge stuff that is painful is like refusing to take medicine when you are sick. That uncomfortable feeling tells me I need to do some self-examination and see what lies at the root of the pain. You are a gifted writer, and the fact that God has allowed you to remember the pain without the bitterness also gives me hope. I am trying to decide whether or not to continue leading Divorce Care simply because there are people in my life that have accused me of allowing divorce to define me. I don’t think that is true – I think that I simply want to help others as I have been helped. Like you, I want to offer hope and healing to women that have just started this unexpected journey. It matters. But maybe there is a fine line that I need to be aware of. So, bottom line, whether we are writing a blog post, a book or whatever it is, we must be transparent and honest and seek God. So, blog away, sweet sister! You are helping more women that you could possibly know this side of heaven!!
Love you, girl. Love your heart & your strong desire to please Him in all that you do – all the while staying true to who you are. Much love & respect.
I have only been following you for a short time. I found you because of an article you wrote years ago. So, the way I see it, for every unsubscriber there are fresh new ones that will come in search of peace and acceptance and someone who understands.
Elisabeth:
Sweet, SWEET lady… I just feel your heart when I read your blog posts. I am always grateful for your transparency. And, like Steve, I am sometimes left saying, “what SHE said!” 🙂
I don’t comment very often, and I wonder just how many of us out here read your offerings and are touched, or learn something, or are drawn closer to God. I MUST say this: even if only ONE woman is helped each time you blog… would it be worth it? I bet your answer is “YES” to that!!
And – I make an educated guess here – I think there are more of us being helped than you may realize.
Moving on. I have a question/suggestion. Even though you say you still have one more year of co-parenting, I wonder what your thoughts are on the years that will follow. Let me unpack that a bit. I have two adult children (27 and 21). The 27 year-old daughter is pretty completely estranged from her step dad (bio dad took off when she was just a year old), due to serious damage – from his hands/mouth – to her heart/spirit. She is working on healing, but has no desire for a relationship with her non-believeing and unrepentant EX-step dad. She is polite to him when she meets him in public but that is the extent of that relationship. (do you see red flags popping up there? I do too, but simply can NOT blame her a bit for guarding herself and giving her ex-step as much distance as she does. The damage to her little self at 14, 15, and 16 was PHENOMINAL. So much so that it was the final straw in the breakdown of my marriage.)
Ok, sorry this is so long.
For my 21-year old son, who is a biological child of this man…. He has been greatly wounded but is trying to have SOME kind of relationship with his Dad. He often has weeks or months at a time where he has to take a break from his dad, just in order to survive. And lick his wounds. Dad can be pretty selfish and toxic.
I worry about my son.
I wish someone was blogging about THAT mess: how our adult children are struggling with our ex-spouse.
How to stay “out of it” as a healthy ex myself, and allow my son to struggle and suffer and walk his OWN walk. While I am trying to be a SUPPORT system without being a pushy, opinionated MOM.
Because I see the further damage being done to my child, my precious child, and want to take my ex to task. And gripe about him to my son (no, no, NO, I KNOW that I can’t DO that!!!… I just WANT to)…
So. There it is. A topic for future days??? Because I know your kids are a little bit younger. But I just BET that you have some thoughts on that already!!
God bless, pretty lady!!
In His Love,
Babs
Thank you! Keep writing Elisabeth dear your words have helped me so very much in the past 3 1/2 years of hell with my separation, counseling, negotiations, healing and recovery. Divorced now one month w final settlement and my EX announces he is getting remarried next month. I am ok but my 23 yr old son is having a difficult time as his father is marrying the crack whore his dad had the affair addiction, and adultery that broke up our family.
Some people like to live in their pain and like that others are there too. I don’t see anything wrong with talking about your happiness, but to some that is like a sword in their heart. These gals need to trust God for their joy….not people. I had a very “good” friend, who went through the whole divorce with me. She was in every court proceeding (and there were many) and those long talks at night, when the tears flowed freely and the loneliness prevailed. She had been my friend for about 15 years, but when I fell in love and told her that I was going to get married (and she didn’t like that) our relationship was over. She wanted the drama, the hurt for me to “need” her. She said some very hurtful things to me, and some that resonate even to this day….some things a “friend” should never say to a friend……JEALOUSY and the inability to be friends with me when I was happy. Sad, but true. I think of her often and it still hurts, but that is not where God wanted me to stay….He blessed me beyond belief with my now husband….no that will never allow me to me forget my pain, because as you said, that realization never goes away…..but healing happens and God allows us to move on, to restore the years the locust have eaten, be thankful every day for what He has given to us….because we DO understand what we now how compared to what our lives were like in our past relationship. So be encouraged my sister, keep doing what you are doing because it is always our past pain that God allows us to go through, that ministers to others the most. Blessings on you!
I don’t intend on ‘unsubscribing’ and the woman who did is, as you said, very likely is stuck in the grips of her pain and unable to see the value of healing, hope and moving on. I was in a relationship with my ex for nearly as long as you were with yours (19.5 years). I have been divorced for nearly as long as you were divorced (3-3/4 years) and although I have not ‘successfully’ dated or gotten engaged I still hold out hope (and remind God of my hearts desire every day) that one day I will be part of a loving, supportive and mutually respectful marriage. Admittedly, I have read some of your ‘post-dating’, ‘post-engagement’, ‘post-wedding’ posts and have felt a ‘tinge’ of jealousy, envy and good ‘ole self-pity but after rebuking those toxic thoughts I found reading blogs like yours helps me hold out hope for my life here on earth ….and your blog also helps remind me that my relationship with Jesus is first and foremost the most important relationship to focus my attention and to put faith in Him to take care of the rest. Keep turning to Jesus Elisabeth….and let Him lead your thoughts and words to share on your blog, then lay those ‘negative Nellis’ at His feet to heal.
Wow, we really can do a bang up job of discouraging others, when we are in our flesh!
Fruit from the Spirit happens to be; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control………
We can take our pick as a promise to bolster our decisions and our feelings, whenever, in unlimited supply!
Each one is the mind and heart of Christ towards others. So one very painful but great test of how mature we are getting to be, is being able to rejoice for each others blessings while we are hanging out in a desert place.
Elizabeth, it is hope building and life giving for others to see your desert ending and even more life affirming to rejoice with you over that. There are way too many people hurting in this stinking world, without begrudging anyone who turns the corner or gets out of the valley of the shadow of death.
Now, I was thinking what might enhance your joyful blogging, might be to add a person who is still trudging through the dark as contrast or challenge to keep the healing stream of encouragement moving for those of us waiting for the light to break. You do a good job of reminding us of the ups and downs because you are sensitive and authentic, and you ‘get it’ that circumstances are temporary, so keep being real. The glow of new life blessings should never be hidden!
This is getting lengthy but let me state that I have endured an embarrassing # of failed marriages as a believer and want desperately to see God bring redemption to my life. I have felt permanently disqualified to be able to minister but in some ways I’ve never been more equipped. Oh the irony of being brought so low after being used in others’ lives to help their struggles in marriage. It was while I was in a very up and down 27 yr. marriage. I have felt so guilty, and like a leper within the church. I have much to say about being abused by the leaders of a few church and mission organizations, but that can be addressed for another occasion. I am turning the corner from living in a self imposed exile and this is me reaching out to you and others.
“faith intermingles with all of it.” 🙂
Thank you, Elisabeth. I have loved your blog for so, so many reasons. For keeping it REAL. For giving us HOPE. For reminding us we are not ALONE in the trenches. For sharing your road of HEALING. And yes, we have all found you and your groups at different stages in our journey. Maybe some of us are further along then some of the others. I cannot help but think that’s all part of God’s plan in all of this. YOU, sweet Elisabeth were there for ALL of us, helping us up when we fell and skinned our knees time and time again, loving us, praying for us, reminding us that Jesus has our back. ALWAYS. And you know what? As each of us move on and heal at our own pace (there is no manual in any of this) we are there to reach out and touch others. To extend our hands and help other sweet ones up and brush off dirty knees, offer listening ears and loving hearts just when they are needed the most. Your sweet spirit has often fueled us on some of our really, really yucky days.
As the new chapters in my life begin to unfold I am thankful for all that you have shared about your courtship, your sweet engagement (pics and all), your marriage preparation, your prayer life and of course your beautiful wedding. But again, for keeping it real — for reminding us that it isn’t always easy. And there are adjustments and changes and it isn’t always a bed of roses, but I think the biggest thing that your marriage has going for you is that you have put Jesus at the center and HE will not fail us.
So, my sweet love, shake that comment off. You keep doing what you are doing, from your heart. Be just who you are and know you are loved.
Elisabeth, I just want to say thank you for being so real and honest. Six months ago when my husband left, I would have read and been blessed by your blog. I didn’t come across it until very recently. I am in a different head space…I am on the road to healing…I am blessed by your ministry. I appreciate your willingness to share your feelings and experiences. Your story gives me hope. Hope that I can move on and I can find healing and I can find love again…if it is God’s will. So may I encourage you in your ministry. Please know that you are a blessing and an encouragement. Please don’t stop writing…May God bless you and your ministry and your marriage.
Nadia
Romans 12:15- Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Isn’t this the calling of every christian friendship?
I was one of those that watched from a distance and struggled to not envy you finding a good man and even messaged you about how I was struggling. But God has totally grabbed my heart and dealt with me in my place and I know we all walk a different road and He will be my partner till the end of time no matter what happens in my life – whether I ever marry again or not. Your blog has been a part of my healing process in an odd way.
elisabeth, you can delete my comment if you like.
i realize it is ridiculously long, and expresses some complex feelings.
i came back today to delete it myself and found i didn’t actually know how to.
feel free to remove it.
i still stand by what i said, but want your blog and comments section to be a place of peace and healing for folks, not tension.
mercy and wisdom going forward in your ministry –
– s.e.
Why did you remove your Facebook page? I really need it.
S.E.
YOU NEED TO WRITE A BLOG !!! Please don’t ask to delete your post. You speak reality….raw…harsh…truth.
Dear SE…Thank you, thank you, thank you for your courageous honesty. I pray the Lord raises up another ministry to support the group of ladies that have been left behind as this blog certainly has changed. I’ve heard it said that a lot of people can handle poverty but only a small percentage of people can handle wealth without it becoming an idol and I would imagine that popularity/success is much the same. I wish there was some way of connecting but I will pray the Lord provides each of us with the support system He wants for us. Blessings on your journey of birth, life, death (heart/marriage/relationships) and (eventual) resurrection.
To SE
Thank you for your honesty. I have just recently found Elizabeth’s site from a friend I was in Div.Care with & from another author/friend of mine, that I won’t name, I was feeling exactly as you were. I am truly happy for you Elisabeth, but I felt you flaunted it in our faces to the point I was feeling almost embarrased for you. You can still embrace your happiness and share it with us, but Did you really need to rub in the faces of those that were really hurting? and that looked to you that you once knew exactly how they were so wounded. I agree with SE, How do you think the ex-wife & children of Tall Shadow felt? Regardless of how their marriage ended.
Do you think Jesus would have acted and gloated like this? I was not a long time follower of yours, I’m glad now that I wasn’t, (it was briefly and just before you annnounced your engagement) so I wasn’t as effected as your long time followers, but It did bother me I must say, to flaunt it like you did. I think it is important to share your testimony about hope, but we certainly didn’t need all the graphics & descriptions. Just one beautiful simple picture of you would have sufficed. TO SE You should start your own Blog you
were spot on, on how painful this is to the wounded women/men, who may never have that chance and you have Love, Compassion, Empathy and Knows just what if would feel like to those that are hurting. Blessings to you.
Judy June 24, 2015 at 11:45 pm – Reply
To SE
Thank you for your honesty. I have just recently found Elizabeth’s site from a friend I was in Div.Care with & from another author/friend of mine, that I won’t name, I was feeling exactly as you were. I am truly happy for you Elisabeth, but I felt you flaunted it in our faces to the point I was feeling almost embarrased for you. You can still embrace your happiness and share it with us, but Did you really need to rub in the faces of those that were really hurting? and that looked to you that you once knew exactly how they were so wounded. I agree with SE, How do you think the ex-wife & children of Tall Shadow felt? Regardless of how their marriage ended.
Do you think Jesus would have acted and gloated like this? I was not a long time follower of yours, I’m glad now that I wasn’t, (it was briefly and just before you annnounced your engagement) so I wasn’t as effected as your long time followers, but It did bother me I must say, to flaunt it like you did. I think it is important to share your testimony about hope, but we certainly didn’t need all the graphics & descriptions. Just one beautiful simple picture of you would have sufficed. TO SE You should start your own Blog you
were spot on, on how painful this is to the wounded women/men, who may never have that chance and you have Love, Compassion, Empathy and Knows just what if would feel like to those that are hurting. Blessings to you.