Yes and no.
Let me share with you two recent evening and morning scenarios that played out in our home.
One recent evening, I fell asleep in the arms of the man I love after he prayed for me, and the next morning I woke up next to the man I love, grateful through and through.
(Hang with me…I’m not trying to make you sick with envy.)
Also, one recent evening, I practically cried myself to sleep filled to the brim with worry and fear and stress and swirly panic, and the next morning I woke up after fitful sleep and tears began flowing within moments out of a sense of overwhelming helplessness.
Here’s the thing: these were both the same evening and the same next morning.
My point, sweet ones? My marriage is wonderful and it’s a better gift than I ever hoped or prayed for – a gift that God did not owe us but we are both so grateful for – but life is still so very hard sometimes. Though Richard totally did sweep me off my feet, he did not swoop in as my hero and make all of our ex-spouse-related issues, all of our children-related issues, all of our work- and logistics- issues disappear. There is light between us but dark clouds still hover off in the distance, ever so slightly encroaching in on our little world. There are battles that were in our lives before we got married that are still battles now, tears I cried before that still linger post-wedding day. He and I are good – so very good – and it is a gift to be together and we are partners, standing side by side, but life is still very much…well…life.
I feel like you need to hear this. Just like having a boyfriend didn’t make my life perfection, having a husband – even a good, good, kind, tenderhearted, loving, praying-over-me husband – has not eradicated my problems and though my hope and prayer is simply to make that man’s life better and sweeter, I cannot eradicate his problems either.
And I need you to know this – you who are in a very, very painful marriage, and you who are healing up from divorce, and you who are desperately wishing for a man – because I need you to know that the goal for you should not be to get out of your marriage and find yourself a new man, or to heal up and find yourself a new man, or to date as hard as you can and find yourself a new man.
It’s not about a new man.
And here’s why: because life will always be hard and you will always be your very human, sinful, struggling self, even at your best (and, by the way, that’s okay…it’s what Jesus came for).
I feel like culture has set out this equation before us that many of us women – Christians included – subconsciously take on as truth:
lonely girl + good man = needs met and happily ever after
But that’s not the right equation. The equation should be:
woman (in any circumstance) + Jesus = on the path to wholeness and beauty and meaning and joy and peace
So the goal, as I’ve said before, is to ask God to help you become the most whole, beautiful, strong and yet tender version of you, and then lean into it, and embrace it, and simply become who God wants you to become, even in your mess. And follow him, even in your pain. And serve him, even in your loneliness. And worship him, even in your failures. And be a friend, even in your sadness. And take care of your children, even in your waiting. And shine, because this is your life, now.
No matter your hard or lonely current circumstance, you can become – right now – who God wants you to become. And no matter your pain or your failures, you can be – right now – a light. You don’t need a good man by your side to do these things.
And before you roll your eyes or slam your laptop shut or say it’s easy for me to say all this, I’ve been all of you. I said all of these things when I was in my hard marriage and when I was going through my horrible divorce and while I was single and not knowing what my future held and now I’m saying them while I’m happily remarried. My circumstances may have changed but my tune sure hasn’t…what I believe about the human spirit has not changed.
Abusive man or no man or good man, sweet girl: God crazy-loves you, down to your core and all the way through and his love will never end.
Hard marriage or no marriage or good marriage, sweet girl: God can heal you and restore you and make you whole.
Pain or no pain or circumstantially peaceful, sweet girl: God wants to and will use you – if you let him – and it will be beautiful. Even now.
If this post encouraged you, consider partnering with Elisabeth as she reaches out to help hurting women by bringing them hope.
That’s a nice knee jerk reaction to her post, but that has been the message she has been writing about all along. It doesn’t sound like anything changed to me other than she got remarried. She can’t stay single her whole life and not get married just because her base is unhappily married women or single women.
Excellent message – our circumstances do not determine our value or attitude. There is no “fix” to the fallen nature of life and struggle/pain are part of the journey. Still, I’m glad you’ve found a love with whom to journey. Keep sharing, keep encouraging!
This is what I appreciate about Elisabeth. She is not staying in the pain. She is fully acknowledging the torment and the agony that she has gone through. That she will continue to go through. Because that is life. Life is full of horrible and horrific things. The difference now is that she has someone who sees it too. Who sees the pain and enters in. I don’t think that you need to be hasty Anne and stop reading her blog. I think perhaps we need to read it with new lenses. Lenses of hope and joy. If we are bold enough to admit our pain and sadness to someone else then we should be brave enough to rejoice with them. This is called vulnerability. To be able to feel all the feelings with someone and not wish them to stay the same.The other thing I appreciate is you are always, always pointing to Jesus. Keep writing. And we will keep reading.
Elisabeth:
May I say “thank you, thank you, thank you!!!”?
(rhetorical “may i”… of course I may!!)
It IS about life lived with Jesus. And seeking Him daily. Allowing Him in so that we can experience His healing, His Peace, His direction, His partnership.
I, sweet lady, am terribly, horribly lonely. Very. Lonely. It has been ten years since my ex-husband and I signed final divorce papers. (I always feel compelled to add this: he filed. I didn’t. I didn’t fight the divorce, because I knew my husband had finally achieved his goal and gotten me OUT so that he could bring in the new woman – now his wife. However, at the time, I was open to repairing our marriage through Christian counseling. He did not want that in any way. Ok, moving on.)
As I said: lonely. HOWEVER, because I am dealing with a painful, REALLY painful disability, I have convinced myself that NO man would want me. So you can see that I have some healing still ahead of me!
I meet with Jesus every morning and try to stay in His beautiful presence all day long. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes not so much. I spend as much time as I can with my adult children and my two gorgeous granddaughters – one is 4 years old, one is 9 months old. I babysit twice a week, so I get to have time with my amazing daughter too…
But because of the loneliness, I still hurt, I still read your daily blog, and I still seek healing with my Lord.
I am deeply appreciative of your candor, and just wanted to say so. I am occasionally envious of those of you who have re-married and have a partner that God brought into your lives. I can deal. Because you are still speaking words that help and words that heal.
So… thank you. And God Bless.
AMEN! and AMEN!! I wish I could get the women in my DivorceCare group to understand this truth!!! SO IMPORTANT!!!
AWESOME post!!!!! You nailed it, Elizabeth. Life is hard and always full of challenges, heartaches, fears, loneliness, etc. And, it is also full of many great joys, love, rewards, meaningful moments, etc. It is fantastic to be able to share all of those experiences with a wonderful mate. However, NO person can fix everything or take away the challenges that we face. Until we understand the love and grace of Jesus Christ and rely on him, we will not be completely satisfied with this life here on earth. Thank you for your honesty, and sharing your beautiful heart and wisdom with us all. So happy you have found a fantastic man to celebrate YOU!
People have such different expectations of marriage! My Chinese-American landlady, also a divorcee, suggested: “Maybe it is for the best. Maybe you will meet a nice man … with a good job … and a house … and even an inheritance!” Just to say that what we seek in a happy home may be very different than what most of the world (and even most Christians throughout most of history) expects from a happy home. Part of being “completely satisfied” with life on earth is to expect and embrace suffering as our Lord suffered — at the hands of those who despise us and at the hands of those who (imperfectly) love us. I’m not very good at this.
Wow. This is so appreciated. Thank you and many blessings to you going into your future! Thank you for sharing this. Thank you. I am not getting any criticism. I appreciate your honesty about all stages of your journey and it only helps those of us on other parts of it! I’m hopeful one day God will fulfill those deep longings I have but I also am learning God is all I need. God has been so good, kind, tender , loving and there in some of the sweetest smallest and BIG way for me during MY heart ache. He is in control of it all. Every journey is different and we are here to support each other as the church of Christ! Thank you sister!